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facing reality

It is no longer much of a mystery to me that I am actually a repressed transsexual. I have come to this conclusion very slowly and very deliberately and I now know it to be true. The only question that remains is what if anything to do about it on a practical level.

Kay Brown, an advocate for the Blanchard model, defines an autogynephilic transsexual thusly:

“The prototypical autogynephilic transsexual was accepted as a boy as a child.  She was often a “loner”, finding her hobbies and reading to be more rewarding, but still willing and ready to participate in rough & tumble play.  She often envied girls and observed them more often than most masculine boys.  As she entered puberty, she began erotic cross-dressing in private, often masturbating while dressed, usually with lingerie.  She found this shameful and hid her cross-dressing as best she could.  She entertained thoughts of living as a woman, often in very idealized situations.  As a young adult, she dated women, often finding it necessary to imagine that she was female to “perform”.  She typically hid this fact from her dates.  She fell in love and found that the previously growing desire to live as a woman abated for a while.  She married and had children.  Her need to cross-dress and use autogynephilic ideation grew, as the first blush of their romance matured into committed love.  She agonized about it obsessively, trying alternatively to push it out of her thoughts and trying to appease it by cross-dressing.  At one point, perhaps in her early 30s, or in her late 50s, a set-back or other significant personal change brought all of these feelings to the fore… and she made the fateful decision that she could no longer ignore her sexuality.  After having tried to ignore the cognitive dissonance between her successful social identity as a man, husband, and father, and her obligatory autogynephilic image of being female, concluded that the female image is her “true” image.  She then made steps to begin counseling with a gender therapist, obtained prescription for feminizing hormones, and then began the painful steps to living full time as a “transsexual”, since she didn’t pass very well and had too many social connections who know of her previous status as a man to be truly stealth.  She had SRS within a short time of nominally living as a woman, as she was impatient, feeling like she had waited long enough in her previous life as a man.  Her wife may or may not have demanded a divorce.”

With the exception of taking feminizing hormones and reference to not passing very well, this is exactly my life. I am also not going to rush into SRS.

I did not need Kay Brown’s description to define my position I merely include it as a reference to otherwise state a personal truth. I came to my conclusion organically and slowly on my own. My thoughts and reflections over my lifetime and more specifically over the last 10 months have placed me squarely where I am. It is the first time I have said it on this blog and I now know it to be true.

I am a transsexual.

But knowing it and doing something about it are two different things. My bell has gone off and I am rushing to live my life as genuinely true to my female nature as I can muster but I am petrified of tipping my life upside down. I require instead a calm and steady reserve.

Now continues the task of seeing whether my ability to pass as a woman and my slow deliberate transition into a new life as a female will suffice without requiring surgery or hormones; at least for the time being. I still need to pass as a male while my kids are young and continue to work in my current field as a male.

I had already begun to transition but in my own way and now I continue forward.

Comments

  1. I would strongly urge you to seek professional help. It is more than obvious to me that you are desperately seeking validation for your feelings and in your efforts, are being whip-sawed by what ever quack theory du jour you happen upon.

    Kay Brown, Julie Serano, Anne Lawrence and all those many out loud and proud transgenders are just that; late transitioning TG's.

    They either are, or were gay, or over the top AGP. Do not try and make sense of their individual rationalizations. You take great comfort in "passing as a woman" in your daily outings and/or casual interactions. Ask yourself, as so many late transitioned post-ops have, how well might you "pass" in bed with a man.

    Do you honestly believe that you will suddenly be happy being asexual? All this jargon about gynephylic/androphylic, or hetero-sexual vs. homosexual is just that. Jargon, produced by gay homophobic or fetishistic men who have no idea what being female is really or simply, all about.

    Do yourself a favor. Go re-read, "So You Want to Be AT-Girl". Give thanks that you were NOT born TS and stop trying to convince yourself that you are something that you clearly are not.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I don't care about being asexual AQV. I am more interested in calming my disphoria. I still have no plans to transition and will fight it tooth and nail. You don't believe that Julia serano and company are transsexuals but the latest accepted defintions disagree with you.

    You obviously believe that what we currently call androphilic transsexuals are the only valid kind. I have posted recent quotes from Anne vitale that begs to differ.

    But once again I believe that I have some form of mental illness. I have always had it and the solution of hrt and srs will not be pursued even if the current system would approve me for it.

    I already went for therapy and going back into the hospital program will just put me on that 2 year path for surgery....

    Thanks for your support...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Joanna -

      First, let's assume you DO NOT have a mental illness. (I don't consider a true transgendered person to be mentally ill because of being transgendered - research is starting to show that an area of the brain may be slightly more prominent in the M2F transgendered person - and I'll post information on this when I can find it.)

      Next, I'm not going to try to define what I mean by "true transgendered" means in this reply. Instead, I'm going to focus on self identification and a need to synchronize one's body (and external presentation) with one's image as seen by others.

      So the big questions are: What do you want in love and companionship? Do you want to spend the rest of your life with a man or woman? What about living with someone vs. a "steady" relationship? Do you want sexual contact and intimacy?

      If you know the answer to these questions, then when you're ready, place a personal ad (with your best female picture) on a service like OK Cupid, and state what you are, who you are, and be extremely honest about yourself --- THEN WAIT for the responses to come SLOWLY. They will come! I have an ad out there in female garb, openly telling women that I like to dress this way, and if they are bothered, move on to the next ad. Guess what - I get responses - and you can too....

      If you think of yourself as mentally ill, you will behave that way. If you think of yourself as healthy, but configured differently than the average person, you will eventually find what you want in a mate.

      M

      Delete
  3. Joanna. I understand that you do not perceive my critiques as "support". Perhaps a more accurate interpretation might be sympathy. I feel bad for what I perceive as someone struggling to come to terms with themselves hampered by the misconceptions of others, and a system constructed exclusively for its own benefit.

    The whole idea of "trans" is a constructed fallacy. Try this link for a thought provoking read:

    http://freethoughtblogs.com/nataliereed/2013/03/19/trans-101/

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "...Trans Community, the centralized, heirarchial and internally normative spaces that tend to be the only means of access, resources and information most people questioning, or not yet plugged into the wider discourse, have available. And the books I was reading were simply the ones that sell, the ones that are widely available and widely known, like Julia Serano and Kate Bornstein… authors who themselves benefited from affirming the concepts their audiences believed in or wanted to believe to at least the same degree that they challenged anything; authors who benefitted from being privileged within the standards, heirarchies and expectations of The Trans Community and who met the conventions established for what a trans advocate or community leader is supposed to be." ~Natalie Reed

      Delete
  4. I also find it ironic that your latest mentor conveniently "forgot" to include Benjamin's study in her historical review of the literature.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I really do appreciate all the feedback I receive. I really should not care to label myself anymore either. According to the Blanchard model I am an autogynephilic transsexual. Many like me have tranditioned and are leading fruitful and happy lives. Reading more won't really help either AQV because the reading while informative does not rid one of the disphoria. It helps only in defining where I am in the TG spectrum. I need to deal with the every day and the now.

    Marian while I appreciate the encouragement and advice, I can't bring myself to do what you suggest. I am not going to entertain an online selling of myself. Not only because my heart is not in it but also because a person like me is better off alone. I am not the happy once a month crossdresser. I dress almost every day in an attempt to manage my GID. Nobody wants that and the search for that one person will sap my life energy doing nothing but.

    Thanks to you both..,

    ReplyDelete
  6. " According to the Blanchard model I am an autogynephilic transsexual."

    Really? Are you sexually aroused by your own image as a woman?

    ReplyDelete
  7. Yes AQV but in part only. Have you not been reading my blog! Lots of so called AGPers are transitioning. If it were only about sex would I want to live as a woman or wouldnt I be happier at a fetish party in a maids uniform. All transsexuals fantasize about feminization to some degree. Read the studies!

    So there you have it.

    While I disagree with blanchard and lawrence on their simplistic purely sexual model I still look at their research and compare the late transitioning to the early transitioning archetypes.

    You are not a late transitioning TS so you can't relate. Why did Anne lawrence transition if it were only a sexual fetish?

    Sorry does not compute with me....

    ReplyDelete
  8. Oh and I read natalie reed trans 101.....her conclusion in a nutshell? Do what you must because no one can advise you in the end....

    ReplyDelete

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