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How I feel inside...

Robyn P sent me some comments so I thought I would address some of them in this blog entry:

I try and analyse how I feel when I am out as Joanna. I try to put my finger on why I want to present as a woman and why I enjoy it so completely.

There is comfort and there is joy and it’s undeniably a positive experience for me. Yes I enjoy the clothing: the earrings, the heels but there is more to it than that; and certainly more than a sexual experience.

I don’t think it rests in my having had a bad childhood either. I had a normal childhood with loving parents who encouraged me to behave as a boy. I don’t recall being dressed up or emasculated in any way. I always felt an affiliation to the feminine although I was not effeminate per se. I knew how to behave as a boy but I was more sensitive than most boys.

I am an artistic person and there is a creative aspect to creating a feminine presentation.

Why do I need to present as a female when I am her and she is me? Because part of feeling feminine is undeniably tied to the way one dresses. It need not be flashy either. When I go out this summer I will wear shorts and a tee shirt and ballerinas. I might add some make up and some earrings and that’s about it. We are after all sexual beings even if the activity is not sexual. The accessories sometimes connect us physically to where we are mentally and serve as a reminder.

I believe that I am somehow two spirited. I cannot explain it concisely but this need exists which does not require the eradication of the other side. To be Joanna I need not kill the male side and as much as I might relish living as a woman full time, I have too many family and work obligations that necessitate that I present as male.

Yesterday I saw my friend Vicky who works at the Estee Lauder makeup counter. I was supposed to have coffee with her and finally we could not but in discussing with her I could feel the comfort and the warmth inside when I am being perceived, recognized and treated as a woman. It feels to me like my natural state and perhaps it truly is.

My mother told me recently that if she had known about all this early on I could have made that transition early and lived my life as the woman I was perhaps meant to be. But it took all this time for me to recognize what everything meant and sorting through the mixed messages and expectations thrust upon me as a child. I was too afraid to be different; to be what I thought was a freak. Today I would perhaps more quickly have been identified as transgender and have had the support of those around me and I would have spoken up upon seeing it.

I won’t live in regret but just move forward knowing what I know now and enjoy finally being myself.


  1. I also experience an incredible amount of joy, peace, and contentment whenever I appear as a woman. It is a very comfortable place for me to be as much as I can. And it is definitely not sexual for me at all...

    For most of my life, I thought I had a "normal" childhood. So I logically determined that since my upbringing was good, my gender questioning and crossdressing HAD to come from birth. However, this was an unsatisfactory explanation. I know why I dress and appear as a woman. It is quite simple. I get a lot of "good things" internally. The question became "Why am I getting these 'good things' inside of me when 95% (pick a number) of men don't?" i had to take a good hard look at why I am going down a certain path while most of my peers are not. I discovered that even though I had a "normal" childhood, there were quite a number of events that happened and a some events that should have happened that didn't. Separately, they all seem innocuous, but combined together into the big picture they formed the path many years ago that I am on now.

    Has it helped me? I don't know...

  2. This was a good post with excellent comments from Robyn. Where each of us are today and where we come from and where we will end up are unique to the individual. There is no one set formula and for the most part even trying to define ourselves with what passes for common terminology on the 'gender spectrum' is difficult. We do not live in a static environment. Who we are is a combinition of our birth and our life experiences.


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