Skip to main content

How I feel inside...

Robyn P sent me some comments so I thought I would address some of them in this blog entry:

I try and analyse how I feel when I am out as Joanna. I try to put my finger on why I want to present as a woman and why I enjoy it so completely.

There is comfort and there is joy and it’s undeniably a positive experience for me. Yes I enjoy the clothing: the earrings, the heels but there is more to it than that; and certainly more than a sexual experience.

I don’t think it rests in my having had a bad childhood either. I had a normal childhood with loving parents who encouraged me to behave as a boy. I don’t recall being dressed up or emasculated in any way. I always felt an affiliation to the feminine although I was not effeminate per se. I knew how to behave as a boy but I was more sensitive than most boys.

I am an artistic person and there is a creative aspect to creating a feminine presentation.

Why do I need to present as a female when I am her and she is me? Because part of feeling feminine is undeniably tied to the way one dresses. It need not be flashy either. When I go out this summer I will wear shorts and a tee shirt and ballerinas. I might add some make up and some earrings and that’s about it. We are after all sexual beings even if the activity is not sexual. The accessories sometimes connect us physically to where we are mentally and serve as a reminder.

I believe that I am somehow two spirited. I cannot explain it concisely but this need exists which does not require the eradication of the other side. To be Joanna I need not kill the male side and as much as I might relish living as a woman full time, I have too many family and work obligations that necessitate that I present as male.

Yesterday I saw my friend Vicky who works at the Estee Lauder makeup counter. I was supposed to have coffee with her and finally we could not but in discussing with her I could feel the comfort and the warmth inside when I am being perceived, recognized and treated as a woman. It feels to me like my natural state and perhaps it truly is.

My mother told me recently that if she had known about all this early on I could have made that transition early and lived my life as the woman I was perhaps meant to be. But it took all this time for me to recognize what everything meant and sorting through the mixed messages and expectations thrust upon me as a child. I was too afraid to be different; to be what I thought was a freak. Today I would perhaps more quickly have been identified as transgender and have had the support of those around me and I would have spoken up upon seeing it.

I won’t live in regret but just move forward knowing what I know now and enjoy finally being myself.

Comments

  1. I also experience an incredible amount of joy, peace, and contentment whenever I appear as a woman. It is a very comfortable place for me to be as much as I can. And it is definitely not sexual for me at all...

    For most of my life, I thought I had a "normal" childhood. So I logically determined that since my upbringing was good, my gender questioning and crossdressing HAD to come from birth. However, this was an unsatisfactory explanation. I know why I dress and appear as a woman. It is quite simple. I get a lot of "good things" internally. The question became "Why am I getting these 'good things' inside of me when 95% (pick a number) of men don't?" i had to take a good hard look at why I am going down a certain path while most of my peers are not. I discovered that even though I had a "normal" childhood, there were quite a number of events that happened and a some events that should have happened that didn't. Separately, they all seem innocuous, but combined together into the big picture they formed the path many years ago that I am on now.

    Has it helped me? I don't know...

    ReplyDelete
  2. This was a good post with excellent comments from Robyn. Where each of us are today and where we come from and where we will end up are unique to the individual. There is no one set formula and for the most part even trying to define ourselves with what passes for common terminology on the 'gender spectrum' is difficult. We do not live in a static environment. Who we are is a combinition of our birth and our life experiences.
    Pat

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

how times change

How times have changed.

Whereas transition was something not to even contemplate for us, here is a young trans person who felt the opposite pressure. She looks and sounds extremely passable but decided it wasn't for her despite the social media presence of young transitioners potentially inspiring her to.

We are all different and I happen to think she's rather a smart cookie as well...


indoctrination

As transgender people, organized religion hasn't really been our friend however on the other hand it has often had little to do with true spirituality. I needed to learn this over time and much of what I was taught growing up was steeped in the judgmental superstition of society instead of what some creator would demand of me.

Regardless of your belief system, you are a child of the universe and have been endowed with uniqueness and goodness of spirit. You have probably never wished anyone ill will and you have tried your best to live within the absurd coordinate system of humanity. Yet somehow belonging to the LGBT community was entirely your fault.

As I have grown older this inherent irrationality became increasingly evident to me. I knew I was a fundamentally good person and yet I was different in a way which was not of my choosing. Hence with this comprehension my self appreciation and esteem grew in proportion.

Religion for me today seems forever trapped in the misinterpretat…

let's please read carefully

This post is prompted by a recent comment I received to one of my older posts and I wanted to address it.

I used to wonder why some transgender people accepted Blanchard’s work until I think I figured out why: they may not have examined it closely enough. They would experience cross gender arousal and then accept it was Autogynephilia without properly understanding what the term meant and what the theory said: it is an invented sexual “illness” which makes people transition. In other words, it is the arousal itself which causes this desire and not a pre-existing gender identity which does not align with birth sex. Of course, Blanchard has no explanation for the origin of his proposed “illness” only that it is a form of sexual deviance.

My counter proposal? we transition despite this arousal. In other words, the transgender identity is pre-existing and the arousal is the result of the mismatching of burgeoning sexual feelings towards females and this misaligned identity; it is not per…