Skip to main content

thoughts on a Friday afternoon...

There’s no more origin analysis left to be done. Once you have eliminated the guilt and shame there is only management left.

I am no longer interested in the source of my disphoria because I realize that it can only now become a futile academic exercise which, in this particular case, has very little to go on in terms of hard evidence.

As I learn to adapt to my new life both as a single person and an accepting transgender person, I am finding with the passage of time some peace finally settling in.

The last 9 months have brought me much gut wrenching self analysis. I have often talked aloud to myself during this period; wrestling with both my emotions and my intellect. There has been some “why me” self pity but along with that much needed growth.

The fog of denial that we live with daily invariably stunts our growth. In the absence of truly facing the truth there is a constant hurt and confusion and loss of self esteem which perceived failure often brings. If you are to blame for how you are and you fail to measure up then you are weak and unable to meet the challenge.

I am also increasingly comfortable with the idea of living alone. I am filling up my time with activities and my children still command my attention. It’s perhaps not an ideal situation but at this stage of my life and knowing what I know about myself, companionship for its own sake simply won’t do. It would require someone that truly fascinates and inspires me to be a better person and who fills my soul in order for me to change my current status. This person would invariably also need to be very understanding of the reality which I live every day; so I have set a tall order but selling myself short just won’t do. I will not now nor will I ever entertain the online gaming that people currently use to pair up. I have neither the appetite nor the energy for it.

I just want to live.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

another coming out

Recently I had lunch with one of the young estimators who occasionally works with me here in Toronto. We were chatting about work and our respective lives when she queried about my love life:

“So how is it going on that front. Meet anyone interesting lately?”

I reflected for a moment and then said:

“My situation is a little particular and if you don’t mind I can share something about myself”

She leaned in a bit and told me to please go ahead.

“I am trans” I said matter of factly.

She looked at me and smiled and said:

“Really? That’s so neat”

She is 35 years old and a lovely person which is why I knew I could confide in her. I then added that I had been reflecting on whether I would switch companies and begin working as Joanna and although she is totally open she also knows how conservative our business can be. So I told her that if I did decide to it would definitely be under a different umbrella.

Then yesterday I was coming back to my place and the lady who rents it to me, who is abo…

feeling sexy

Here are the results of a recent survey of genetic women:

“A new hairdo, walking in heels and a glowing tan are among the things that make a woman feel sexy. Freshly applied lipstick, newly-shaved legs and a little black dress also have a positive effect on the psyche”

Are you surprised? I’m not because it is exactly the same list that makes transgender women feel sexy.

For a long time the idea was pandered about that transsexualism was rooted exclusively in aberrant sexuality. But of course you cannot separate the sexuality from the individual because that forms part of their overall makeup and the fact that genetic and transsexual women overlap here surprises no one.

We should also add here that women aren't always thinking about sex and neither are transgender women.

Pre transition transsexuals would not readily admit they found these things sexy because they were afraid to be seen as perverted men in front of gatekeepers who understood nothing about their condition.

Today we kn…

Being transgender isn't exclusively a problem of aberrant sexuality

If being transgender were exclusively a problem of aberrant sexuality, then I would seem to be an exception to the rule.

To date I have lived my life like a choir boy and have had low libido throughout. I have yet to ever see a porn film and both my ex-wife and ex-girlfriend complained about my lack of sex drive. I also knew I was different from a very young age.

This is why the accusation that male to female transgender persons attracted to women are perverts doesn’t hold much water with me. I was mortified when I hit puberty and realized that my desire to be female had taken on sexual overtones and I ended up, like most of you, repeatedly throwing things in the bin as a repudiation. In fact, accepting that my sexuality has been permanently impacted was the hardest pill to swallow in my journey to become a fully realized transgender person.

That is why I say to those who are still concerned about what outsiders who haven’t lived your personal experience have to say about you should l…