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thoughts on a Friday afternoon...

There’s no more origin analysis left to be done. Once you have eliminated the guilt and shame there is only management left.

I am no longer interested in the source of my disphoria because I realize that it can only now become a futile academic exercise which, in this particular case, has very little to go on in terms of hard evidence.

As I learn to adapt to my new life both as a single person and an accepting transgender person, I am finding with the passage of time some peace finally settling in.

The last 9 months have brought me much gut wrenching self analysis. I have often talked aloud to myself during this period; wrestling with both my emotions and my intellect. There has been some “why me” self pity but along with that much needed growth.

The fog of denial that we live with daily invariably stunts our growth. In the absence of truly facing the truth there is a constant hurt and confusion and loss of self esteem which perceived failure often brings. If you are to blame for how you are and you fail to measure up then you are weak and unable to meet the challenge.

I am also increasingly comfortable with the idea of living alone. I am filling up my time with activities and my children still command my attention. It’s perhaps not an ideal situation but at this stage of my life and knowing what I know about myself, companionship for its own sake simply won’t do. It would require someone that truly fascinates and inspires me to be a better person and who fills my soul in order for me to change my current status. This person would invariably also need to be very understanding of the reality which I live every day; so I have set a tall order but selling myself short just won’t do. I will not now nor will I ever entertain the online gaming that people currently use to pair up. I have neither the appetite nor the energy for it.

I just want to live.

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