It takes a while to regain your bearings and your self esteem after a tumultuous breakup like the one we had. I had 3 years full of ups and downs during which my previous understanding of what it meant to be with another person was tested. I came away exhausted and defeated but I learned some hard lessons.
For a time you get very down on yourself and think that no one will ever love you again but this is a temporary phase punctuated by the rejection you have just experienced. It so colors everything that it percolates its way into every aspect of your life. Shaking it off and moving on has taken me almost a full year.
Interestingly I have grown more as a person during this period than during any previous year of my life. I have become truly autonomous and any desire for codependence is gone. That little yearning that you get while you are still adapting to being alone has been eradicated. Sure I still get a bit lonely here and there and this is normal as we are social animals but I am trying to fill that void with my children and my friends.
As things stand now, I no longer think that a relationship is a viable alternative for me.
I am a proud transgender person who is finally free of guilt and shame and I will be pursuing my life with balance in all things. Seeking counseling here and there for my gender issues will from part of that balance.
For the first time in many years I am in a very good place on the inside.