Skip to main content

A good place

It’s been a good period of late. I feel content and although I am uncertain about the future on the gender front, I am truly over my previous relationship with N and happy to be on my own.

It takes a while to regain your bearings and your self esteem after a tumultuous breakup like the one we had. I had 3 years full of ups and downs during which my previous understanding of what it meant to be with another person was tested. I came away exhausted and defeated but I learned some hard lessons.

For a time you get very down on yourself and think that no one will ever love you again but this is a temporary phase punctuated by the rejection you have just experienced. It so colors everything that it percolates its way into every aspect of your life. Shaking it off and moving on has taken me almost a full year.

Interestingly I have grown more as a person during this period than during any previous year of my life. I have become truly autonomous and any desire for codependence is gone. That little yearning that you get while you are still adapting to being alone has been eradicated. Sure I still get a bit lonely here and there and this is normal as we are social animals but I am trying to fill that void with my children and my friends.

As things stand now, I no longer think that a relationship is a viable alternative for me.

I am a proud transgender person who is finally free of guilt and shame and I will be pursuing my life with balance in all things. Seeking counseling here and there for my gender issues will from part of that balance.

For the first time in many years I am in a very good place on the inside.

Comments

  1. Joanna,
    I am so glad that you are at a peaceful point in your life. There are so many pressures that people face to use a single aspect of their lives to define themselves. I find that all of us have many different components that go into making the whole. A person can be a male, transgender, father, husband, friend, relative, doctor, engineer, salesman, carpenter, etc. We can be all of these at one time or another and all of these components factor into the full person.
    I am glad that you are no longer so down on yourself and hope that things continue to look up.
    I am continuing to review the lightinthecloset.org website and am finding that many of the things set forth in that site make sense and many even apply to me. It is always good to find more affirmation of our worth as people.
    Pat

    ReplyDelete
  2. Yes the site is very well thought out and has many excellent responses to the many questions I have asked myself over the years as a transgender Christian. Thanks again for sending me the link!

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

how times change

How times have changed.

Whereas transition was something not to even contemplate for us, here is a young trans person who felt the opposite pressure. She looks and sounds extremely passable but decided it wasn't for her despite the social media presence of young transitioners potentially inspiring her to.

We are all different and I happen to think she's rather a smart cookie as well...


indoctrination

As transgender people, organized religion hasn't really been our friend however on the other hand it has often had little to do with true spirituality. I needed to learn this over time and much of what I was taught growing up was steeped in the judgmental superstition of society instead of what some creator would demand of me.

Regardless of your belief system, you are a child of the universe and have been endowed with uniqueness and goodness of spirit. You have probably never wished anyone ill will and you have tried your best to live within the absurd coordinate system of humanity. Yet somehow belonging to the LGBT community was entirely your fault.

As I have grown older this inherent irrationality became increasingly evident to me. I knew I was a fundamentally good person and yet I was different in a way which was not of my choosing. Hence with this comprehension my self appreciation and esteem grew in proportion.

Religion for me today seems forever trapped in the misinterpretat…

let's please read carefully

This post is prompted by a recent comment I received to one of my older posts and I wanted to address it.

I used to wonder why some transgender people accepted Blanchard’s work until I think I figured out why: they may not have examined it closely enough. They would experience cross gender arousal and then accept it was Autogynephilia without properly understanding what the term meant and what the theory said: it is an invented sexual “illness” which makes people transition. In other words, it is the arousal itself which causes this desire and not a pre-existing gender identity which does not align with birth sex. Of course, Blanchard has no explanation for the origin of his proposed “illness” only that it is a form of sexual deviance.

My counter proposal? we transition despite this arousal. In other words, the transgender identity is pre-existing and the arousal is the result of the mismatching of burgeoning sexual feelings towards females and this misaligned identity; it is not per…