Skip to main content

A good place

It’s been a good period of late. I feel content and although I am uncertain about the future on the gender front, I am truly over my previous relationship with N and happy to be on my own.

It takes a while to regain your bearings and your self esteem after a tumultuous breakup like the one we had. I had 3 years full of ups and downs during which my previous understanding of what it meant to be with another person was tested. I came away exhausted and defeated but I learned some hard lessons.

For a time you get very down on yourself and think that no one will ever love you again but this is a temporary phase punctuated by the rejection you have just experienced. It so colors everything that it percolates its way into every aspect of your life. Shaking it off and moving on has taken me almost a full year.

Interestingly I have grown more as a person during this period than during any previous year of my life. I have become truly autonomous and any desire for codependence is gone. That little yearning that you get while you are still adapting to being alone has been eradicated. Sure I still get a bit lonely here and there and this is normal as we are social animals but I am trying to fill that void with my children and my friends.

As things stand now, I no longer think that a relationship is a viable alternative for me.

I am a proud transgender person who is finally free of guilt and shame and I will be pursuing my life with balance in all things. Seeking counseling here and there for my gender issues will from part of that balance.

For the first time in many years I am in a very good place on the inside.

Comments

  1. Joanna,
    I am so glad that you are at a peaceful point in your life. There are so many pressures that people face to use a single aspect of their lives to define themselves. I find that all of us have many different components that go into making the whole. A person can be a male, transgender, father, husband, friend, relative, doctor, engineer, salesman, carpenter, etc. We can be all of these at one time or another and all of these components factor into the full person.
    I am glad that you are no longer so down on yourself and hope that things continue to look up.
    I am continuing to review the lightinthecloset.org website and am finding that many of the things set forth in that site make sense and many even apply to me. It is always good to find more affirmation of our worth as people.
    Pat

    ReplyDelete
  2. Yes the site is very well thought out and has many excellent responses to the many questions I have asked myself over the years as a transgender Christian. Thanks again for sending me the link!

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

looking past cross gender arousal

Jack’s latest Crossdreamers post got me thinking about cross gender arousal and how it could be avoided; also whether it even matters. This with particular focus on the inability to relate of someone on the outside looking in.

You see, sexuality is a very complicated thing to begin with and when you then add gender identity ambiguity it becomes a recipe to really confuse someone.

So imagine that you are a little boy who identifies as a girl but then along comes puberty and short circuits everything by having the sex you identify with also be the sex you are attracted to. For in essence this is what happens to all all male to female gender dysphoric trans persons who are attracted to women.

So I ask myself: can I imagine a scenario where this inherent contradiction would not produce sexual confusion? The answer is that I cannot.

I am in the unique position, like many of you, to have experienced an early identification with the feminine become sexualized later on. This brought confusion…

understanding the erotic component

I have written about crossed wires before in two separate posts. The idea is that one cannot pass through puberty and the development of sexual feelings for females and not have your pre-existing gender dysphoria be impacted through your psychosexual development. The hormone responsible for your libido is testosterone which is present in much stronger concentration in males and is why gynephilics are most likely to experience erotic overtones as the conflict between romantic external feelings and their pull towards the feminine become permanently intertwined.

Because I came from a deeply religious family where sex was not discussed much at all, I grew up with little access to information and was very much ignorant of matters relating to the subject. With no firsthand experience in intercourse until I married I was then faced with the reality that my ability to perform sexually had been deeply impacted by my dysphoric feelings. This began years of turmoil and self-deprecating thoughts …

another coming out

Recently I had lunch with one of the young estimators who occasionally works with me here in Toronto. We were chatting about work and our respective lives when she queried about my love life:

“So how is it going on that front. Meet anyone interesting lately?”

I reflected for a moment and then said:

“My situation is a little particular and if you don’t mind I can share something about myself”

She leaned in a bit and told me to please go ahead.

“I am trans” I said matter of factly.

She looked at me and smiled and said:

“Really? That’s so neat”

She is 35 years old and a lovely person which is why I knew I could confide in her. I then added that I had been reflecting on whether I would switch companies and begin working as Joanna and although she is totally open she also knows how conservative our business can be. So I told her that if I did decide to it would definitely be under a different umbrella.

Then yesterday I was coming back to my place and the lady who rents it to me, who is abo…