Skip to main content

a return to innocence....

There has been so much progress for me that it’s hard to keep up. My psyche has been repairing itself ever so rapidly and I have removed a lot of “thou shall nots” from my vocabulary.

Last night I had a nice heart to heart with my mother about where I am these days and at one point she said that if I knew I would be happier as a woman then perhaps I should do what I needed to but then in the same breath she expressed trepidation. I know this is not easy for her but she also wants to see me happy. I made sure she knew last night that I loved her and that I had two great parents who made my life easier and not more difficult. Without them I would be in a far worse shape today.

Helene called me back around 5 pm and we set up an appointment for June 10th during which I am going to basically pour my heart out to her about how I’m feeling these days. I want to pose her a series of questions about my mind set and assumptions and see how she answers them. She has the measuring stick of experience and it will come in handy here.

First and foremost on my mind is the realization that my disphoria seems to be gaining strength. I am drawn to the idea of melding myself into one true person for the first time in my life. But the question is does that mean being a woman full time? I do not know yet but I know that when I get up in the morning I think about getting into women’s clothes to go to work. I am starting to think that this is how things are meant to be for me and is truly my normal. That excites me and scares the hell out of me all at the same time.

My part time life as Joanna has given me a taste of something truly wonderful and comfortable and I want to live that all the time. I need to make sure that I NEED to live that way and that living as a pretend male is something I can no longer do.

I pray on it and ask God to give me guidance. I want to know what the right thing to do is and I want to base it on need and not some flighty desire. But as I have said in my recent posts, I think the next couple of years will be pivotal for me in this decision process and I should hopefully have my final answer by then.

The issue of arousal has become a moot point now. I understand that the excitement of being the woman I aspire to be sometimes brings this on. In the past it would bring me down into negativity and doubt but its playing much less of a factor in my thinking process. I can now put it into context and not let it bother me since it’s not a motivating factor in my decision process.

How interesting that I remove the layers of psychological built up grit, I seem to be slowly re-becoming that innocent little boy who secretly aspired to be a girl.

Comments

  1. I see that you keep looking deeper and deeper into the issue of whether transition makes any sense.
    I suppose it should come down to a question of what feels right and what makes you and those you love happy. You do recognize where you fit in with your family and that you have obligations. You also seem to be able to get out and about and devleop yourself as Joanna. Try to enjoy both parts of the whole.
    Pat

    ReplyDelete
  2. I need to dig Pat in order to fully be happy that the way I am living is the right way to go. I dont want to have regrets either way and yes my main concern is my family obligations ahead of my own but I still need to have a final answer because living as a half and half is not exactly a picnic either. Also I dont have the feelings of a wife tio consider as you do.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Joanna,

    I thought of you when I came across the website lightinthecloset.org. I suggest that you take a look at it. I have not had the time to review the entire site but the few items that I did check out were interesting to me.

    Light in the Closet is a lay ministry that seems to be trying to explain acceptance for transgender people as children of God.

    Pax
    Pat

    ReplyDelete
  4. Thank you so much Pat. I will make sure to go there and check it out....

    ReplyDelete
  5. Pat I went to the site and I was very pleased with what I read there. Thank you for the wonderful link. Is it a site about redemption and forgiveness!

    ReplyDelete

Post a comment

Popular posts from this blog

my last post

This will be my last blog post.

When I wrote recently that this blog had another seven years of life in it I was trying to convince myself that it was true. It was in fact a little bit of self delusion.

With almost 3,000 posts to date I have accomplished what I set out to do which was to heal myself and in the process share some of the struggle I had been through with others on the chance they might find some value in my words. After seven years of writing, my life still isn't perfect; no one's is. But I have discovered a path forward completely free of the trappings which society would have had me adopt so I could fit in.

Over the last 25 years of my life I have turned over every stone I could find while exploring this topic and in the process realized that we haven't even begun to scratch the surface of this deeply complex subject. What I have ultimately learned is that my instincts have more value than what someone who isn't gender dysphoric writes about me. We are …

One transgender woman's take on AGP

This entry from the transhealth website dates back to 2001 and it offers a very nice dissection of the now mostly debunked but still controversial AGP theory and how this transgender woman could care two cents about it. People who have been trying to marginalize the experience of gynephilic transwomen have pushed for the stigmatizing idea that they are actually perverted men.

Well this soul, who couldn't give a hoot either way, isn't buying any of it and her frankness at times had me chuckling to myself as I read her posting.

If we ever met I would give her a hug for seeing through the BS but mostly for being herself:

"About a year ago I was reading on Dr. Anne Lawrence’s site about a new theory of the origin of trans called “autogynephilia.” This theory asserts that many trans women—and transsexual women in particular—desire reassignment surgery because they are eroticizing the feminization of their bodies.

The first thing that struck me about it, of course, was that it …

epilogue

While this blog is most definitely over, I wanted to explain that part of the reason is that it was getting in the way of writing my next book called "Notes, Essays and Short Stories from the North" which will combine philosophy, trans issues, my observations on life, some short fiction and things that have happened to me over my life and continue to (both trans related and not).

When it is complete I will post the news here and will be happy to send you a free copy upon request in either PDF or eBook format. All I ask is that you provide me with some feedback once you're done reading it.

I'm only in the early stages so it will be a while.

Be well all of you....

sample pages...