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calming things down....

While it may not the end of my blog, that’s really it for me with the research because the literature has finally given me a big headache. The search that started slowly back in 1995 with my personal explorations into the web pages of transsexuals, transgender and gender variant people and finally culminating in technical articles and books has now come to an end. It does not mean I’ll never read another article mind you just that it won’t be associated with a massive search for self understanding.

The theories of Blanchard and Lawrence are wrong. There was an attempt at trying to categorize transsexuals in order to explain both early and late transitions. But the fact that heterosexual transgendered men end up as paraphilic perverts clearly shows a complete lack of understanding of the condition people like me face.

What remains now is to look inside myself to find for balance in living with my gender disphoria.

Interestingly, I took the COGLIATI test yesterday and came in with a score of 10 (otherwise categorized as androgyne). This result pretty much reflects how I view myself these days but as with all gender tests I take it with a grain of salt.

Therapy is also not on the horizon because I am not looking for anything other than adapting my life to my new reality as a completely self accepting transgendered person.

Sunday I spent the entire day as Joanna. It felt comfortable and right but I doubt I would want to live as a woman 24/7. That uncertainty will keep me sitting just where I am now for the foreseeable future.

The relationship door is not closed but I am not doing anything to open it any wider. The more I understand myself and human nature in general as I age, the less I am willing to settle for less. What I mean by this is that it is rare that I encounter truly interesting people who not only embody the physical traits that each of us is first drawn to but more importantly, possess a truly fascinating personality, soulfulness and true sense of self that would make couple life more rewarding. I have never found this and both my relationships suffered from some missing elements that would make life more enriching than less so. Adding the additional challenge of GID makes it all the more daunting.

In the end I feel that many of us partner up because we are more fearful of being alone than to be with the wrong person.

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