Skip to main content

happy but of course work remains...

Why does it appear that happiness equals femininity for me? and if it's not a natural state for me why does my brain go there. Why is that a personal endorphin and not for other males or at least a more significant portion of males.

Intetestingly, the more comfortable I am in my skin as Joanna, the more the idea of transition appeals to me. But of course that would require a full transformation because when I come home I don't change back anymore. I want to just slip into comfortable jeans and a t shirt but I'll still be Joanna and that would necessarily involve having a female body.

As I age I am also less interested in intercourse. My sexual driver in bed with a woman is seeing myself as a woman and in this way I am cagegorized as autogynephilic by Blanchard. I am increasingly less caring about having a relationship and more and more about being internally at peace.

So even as I am now happier than I have ever been and will concentrate on remaining so, something is still unresolved. The drive towards something more is there even as I desperately apply the breaks. The timing is terrible right now and I will do nothing.

My sense is that in the future I might.

I am not tied to my body - its just a vessel. But this vessel I inhabit is cross wired and there's something wrong. Like a car that needs a tune up in order to operate properly. The mental peace that I require is tied to this body somehow. My guts tell me living as a woman is a stop gap measure because I have been advancing so rapidly over the last 5 years.

Some early transitioners like AQV shake their head and tell me I have other issues but I beg to differ and less advanced disphorics like Marian want to strike a balance between having a relationship with a normal woman who, if she does not celebrate occasinal crossdressing outings, at least tolerates them. You have both challenged me in different ways but neither of you intrinsically understands where I am since we are all in the end individuals.

I seem to have crossed a threshhold and as I still bask in the radiance of having eradicated my shame and guilt, I still look at other women with envy and think:"I want to BE you". How long I can keep that at bay remains to be seen.

I remember sitting in that neighbourhood cafe as an 11 year old and hearing the comment addresed to my mother:" is this your daughter?" feigning indignation, I secretly beamed with internal satisfaction.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

"Oh please its 2016!"

I have mentioned before that I have a lovely young couple living above the unit next to mine. Well the other day as I was getting in the door, she and I overlapped for the first time with me dressed as a woman.

We had a nice conversation and at some point I mentioned the obvious which was that I had told her future husband that they might see me in a different guise from time to time so they wouldn't wonder about who the strange woman was. She just looked at me almost rolling her eyes while smiling from ear to ear and said:

"Oh Please it's 2016!"

For the record she was also very complementary regarding my choice of attire.

I could care less at this point in my life what people think but it is still lovely to see the millennial generation's freedom of spirit and acceptance so lacking in previous generations. Yes they have their own foibles, as does every generation, but this area certainly isn't one of them.

the pseudoscience behind gender dysphoria

The real science as to what causes gender dysphoria still awaits.

Harry Benjamin was on to something except he didn’t have the scientific evidence to back up his suspicions hence, like a true scientist, he negated to draw conclusions. His hunch, based on treating so many patients over his lifetime, was that one is born with a predisposition to be gender dysphoric.

However, with inconclusive brain scans and no DNA marker (as of yet) we are left with believing the word of people who need help and only want to lead happy and productive lives.

The best we have been able to muster since Benjamin's death in 1986 was to amass statistics on who gets a boner imagining themselves as a woman which is in equal parts pathetic and disappointing. For this is not really science at all but is instead playing with interview data that doesn't point to anything definitive or conclusive. I have dealt with this problem at great length in my blog.

The whole thing started with Kurt Freund's obses…

looking past cross gender arousal

Jack’s latest Crossdreamers post got me thinking about cross gender arousal and how it could be avoided; also whether it even matters. This with particular focus on the inability to relate of someone on the outside looking in.

You see, sexuality is a very complicated thing to begin with and when you then add gender identity ambiguity it becomes a recipe to really confuse someone.

So imagine that you are a little boy who identifies as a girl but then along comes puberty and short circuits everything by having the sex you identify with also be the sex you are attracted to. For in essence this is what happens to all all male to female gender dysphoric trans persons who are attracted to women.

So I ask myself: can I imagine a scenario where this inherent contradiction would not produce sexual confusion? The answer is that I cannot.

I am in the unique position, like many of you, to have experienced an early identification with the feminine become sexualized later on. This brought confusion…