Skip to main content

Joanna coming into her own...

Had my kids yesterday and will again tomorrow as its a holiday weekend here in Canada but today was a joanna day for yours truly. I was hoping to get together with Sabrina but she was really ill and she had to opt out.

I texted it her that it was an order from her alternate mother that she stay in bed. She roared at that.

So I spent a relaxing day as a woman and had a lovely time doing it. Its so natural and peaceful and sometimes beyond words. I am living my life in a way I never dreamed I could ever do. All the elements that I worked on are converging: makeup, voice, clothing, comportment, poise and femininity.

It all feels organic and natural. With the added bonus of female friends to socialize with its becoming even more natural and a lot less lonely. I never liked outings solely on my own and always wished for company.

But I was insecure and less brave that I could be out there doing what I do now. It took me the last five years to take those last steps of presentation security to finally break that feeling of fear about being myself.

That last important step of making Joanna a known entity with her own personality and sense of herself has been instrumental. I can now focus on continuing to merge myself into a whole being; something I could never do with a hanging appendage that I was attempting to amputate.

This morning in the quietness and solemnity of the mass, I thanked God for helping me come to terms with everything and truly begin to love myself and consequently others even more.

With time, things will fall into place even more.

Comments

  1. Joanna -

    You will notice that your feminine side will develop a different, but compatible personality over time. It's simply the feminine part of yourself that was being repressed by the masculine. By giving both sides the ability to express themselves, the unified whole is more at ease. (Think of a duo one singing bass and the other singing soprano, both on the same tune, but both having equal parts to contribute to the sound as a whole....)

    M

    ReplyDelete
  2. Marian, the only thing I am doing differently is gesturing and speaking differently ie. In a more feminine manner appropriate for my presentation. So it's not really a change of persona as much as an adaptation in mannerisms...

    Jo

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

another coming out

Recently I had lunch with one of the young estimators who occasionally works with me here in Toronto. We were chatting about work and our respective lives when she queried about my love life:

“So how is it going on that front. Meet anyone interesting lately?”

I reflected for a moment and then said:

“My situation is a little particular and if you don’t mind I can share something about myself”

She leaned in a bit and told me to please go ahead.

“I am trans” I said matter of factly.

She looked at me and smiled and said:

“Really? That’s so neat”

She is 35 years old and a lovely person which is why I knew I could confide in her. I then added that I had been reflecting on whether I would switch companies and begin working as Joanna and although she is totally open she also knows how conservative our business can be. So I told her that if I did decide to it would definitely be under a different umbrella.

Then yesterday I was coming back to my place and the lady who rents it to me, who is abo…

feeling sexy

Here are the results of a recent survey of genetic women:

“A new hairdo, walking in heels and a glowing tan are among the things that make a woman feel sexy. Freshly applied lipstick, newly-shaved legs and a little black dress also have a positive effect on the psyche”

Are you surprised? I’m not because it is exactly the same list that makes transgender women feel sexy.

For a long time the idea was pandered about that transsexualism was rooted exclusively in aberrant sexuality. But of course you cannot separate the sexuality from the individual because that forms part of their overall makeup and the fact that genetic and transsexual women overlap here surprises no one.

We should also add here that women aren't always thinking about sex and neither are transgender women.

Pre transition transsexuals would not readily admit they found these things sexy because they were afraid to be seen as perverted men in front of gatekeepers who understood nothing about their condition.

Today we kn…

the risks of downplaying dysphoria

Kati’s comment on my post called “Doubting you are trans” got me thinking about the validity of our feelings and the importance of not downplaying them.

Make no mistake: gender dysphoria is real and you are not delusional and by trying to downplay our emotional need to express ourselves we are making a mistake.

At the same time, I am very realistic about what I am doing to treat my dysphoria and understand that I was not born physically female. However, the idea that gender identity is established exclusively through birth genitalia has been pretty convincingly debunked which means that gender and its expression should be left up to the individual and not to society. But unfortunately, we live in a world where disobeying the rules leads to suffering through persecution.

Transition is one way to treat your “gender expression deprivation anxiety” (thank you Anne Vitale for that wonderful term) but it is not the sole method. However, denying that the feelings are real is a recipe for dep…