I am not going to stress about it mind you but my thought process goes towards the solution of transition as a way to achieve stability. I could be out to everyone and in every aspect of my life.
One thing that's clearer than ever is that I'm not a crossdresser and joanna is tied to my identity.
Pat and Marian have suggested I look at it as "girl time" but its starting to be more for me which is why I reflect on it daily.
But where I sit now it's not the time for me to do anything. Even if my kids were not in the picture the timing is still wrong.
One of the interesting things I am noticing is that my sense of confidence has taken a huge boost. Whether in male or female garb, the improvement has been markedly felt. This is because I have embraced who I am instead of shunning it.
But do advanced gender disphorics like me benefit from full transition? The anecdotal evidence I have is that they often do.
One thing that is clearer as I age is that with declining testosterone levels my body has become slightly more feminized and accompanying that has been a desire for more of the same. And it makes sense that taking my body where my psyche wants it to go would produce a sense of well being.
However on the flip side my history and learned biases barge in on a regular basis to bring me down to earth to remind me that what I think I want is wrong and of questionable morality. God made you a male and you are not to tamper with His will. So it becomes a tug of war of sorts for your heart and soul.
There are days when I am certain that I would be happier as a woman and until that thought disappears I won't be able to permanently put aside the idea of transition.