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more thoughts on transition

I suppose that living the way I am can appear to be a little schizophrenic. It's becoming more and more of a double life which, in the long term,may not be sustainable or even desireable.

I am not going to stress about it mind you but my thought process goes towards the solution of transition as a way to achieve stability. I could be out to everyone and in every aspect of my life.

One thing that's clearer than ever is that I'm not a crossdresser and joanna is tied to my identity.

Pat and Marian have suggested I look at it as "girl time" but its starting to be more for me which is why I reflect on it daily.

But where I sit now it's not the time for me to do anything. Even if my kids were not in the picture the timing is still wrong.

One of the interesting things I am noticing is that my sense of confidence has taken a huge boost. Whether in male or female garb, the improvement has been markedly felt. This is because I have embraced who I am instead of shunning it.

But do advanced gender disphorics like me benefit from full transition? The anecdotal evidence I have is that they often do.

One thing that is clearer as I age is that with declining testosterone levels my body has become slightly more feminized and accompanying that has been a desire for more of the same. And it makes sense that taking my body where my psyche wants it to go would produce a sense of well being.

However on the flip side my history and learned biases barge in on a regular basis to bring me down to earth to remind me that what I think I want is wrong and of questionable morality. God made you a male and you are not to tamper with His will. So it becomes a tug of war of sorts for your heart and soul.

There are days when I am certain that I would be happier as a woman and until that thought disappears I won't be able to permanently put aside the idea of transition.

Comments

  1. Joanna -

    I have some comments....

    <>

    I agree with you there. Your psyche is most important here. Once us transgendered folk get a taste of being out in the world in our preferred gender, the more it feels right and proper to be so. When our presentation reflects our self image our psyches start to heal...

    <>

    Here is where I disagree with you. The medical research is beginning to show that there is a difference between the brains of transgender and non transgender folk. Although I forgot the exact structural difference, I believe that we have a slightly larger hippocampus than the non-transgendered folk. So did god make us completely male?

    Please understand that I describe myself as agnostic, and have as little to do with organized religion as possible. The orthodox groups within these religions use restrictions on sexuality as controls on their adherents for social unity. Most restrictions, such as the Hasidim copulating through a hole in a sheet are geared to deny sexual pleasures of any sort to followers.

    So, what should this mean to you? Don't worry about what someone else says god means. Read the texts for yourself (if you need to) and come to your own conclusions instead of letting them be handed to you. And when you do, you'll find that you can interpret many passages in many different ways. By doing so, you can free yourself from what others think you should do - and be free to express yourself your own way.

    Once you break free of conventional morality, you'll find that you can still live according to your faith and its underlying values *and* still find ways to take care of your own needs....

    <>

    I've come to think that my self image doesn't completely depend on me being of either sex. When I look at myself in the mirror as a man, I don't resent anything in that image. When I put on my prosthetics (wig, breast forms, etc.), cover up my masculinity, and see a woman in the picture - I feel good too. So I feel that full transition wouldn't cure much of anything for me, as there are parts of me that needs to be in each of the two genders.

    Maybe you could attack this problem from a different angle, and see if you can your solution that way....?

    M

    ReplyDelete
  2. Well you are quite right Marian that we are different and likely there is a biological trace that will eventually be found. But yes I am also not hating my male anatomy and am seeking ways to combine my gender variance in a more congruous way in my life. Bit by bit I am getting there!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Oh and I dont really worry about religious bigotry most especially when it originates with ill informed and bigotted people who do not understand anything of the science behind all of this. people stuck in the Old Testament dont concern me in the least!

    ReplyDelete

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