Skip to main content

the next and hopefully last phase....

If it helps me to resolve things in my head I will downgrade my self description to cross dresser. This has a less meancing connotation to it and helps to settle things into an area of certainty. It puts me in a safer zone.

Yes I have gender confusion but it need not go beyond where I am now. I'm getting my ya yas out now and tackling all of my pent up frustration. I'm crossdressing with reckless abandon and, maybe just maybe, arrive at an equilibrium where there is not the slightest doubt as to my status.

Do I envisage this hapenning? Yes I think I do.

I may be turning a page because one cannot live in utter constipation for decades without the cork popping out and all of the contents spilling out over God's green earth. My contents are spilled and I'm gathering them up slowly.

The thought processes have ended up as confused blog entries and desperate self questioning. But when all is said and done, I may be able to say: I figured out how to encapsulate my alternate gender expression into a container that fits its need

It need not be an unsatable monster that looks for more nourishment and in so doing has me mulling over irreversible surgery. I am happy but will be happier when the final pieces of the puzzle are inserted and I can see the final landscape image.

I am certainly closer to what I seek than I have ever been and these months alone in reflection mode have proven to be instrumental.


  1. I dunno....I guess I should really just leave this alone. I mean you certainly seem to have this all nicely figured out to you satisfaction.

    Of course, I am not so sure. I mean you seem to have it all packaged up nicely with a big red bow but....this is now. What about next week, or the week after that. I guess there is not a lot you can do about that really, other than "just one day at a time".

    I do agree that trying to keep a lid on this thing should be your major focus, seeing as losing control could certainly have disastrous consequences so yes, I do agree...What ever works....

    So....since we seem to be wrapping this up for the final time, (this week), let me offer a couple more tidbits on what you seem to think are valid, meaningful concerns. Namely those important, (to you),disagreements.

    "the same gender disphoria that drove you also drives me"

    How can you honestly believe this? Just consider how you see things...little things that cause you to say or think things like this:
    "Whatever causes people to do radical things like remove body parts cannot be so completely and radically different even if the life journey is." Really?!?

    Maybe that is how it works for you. Certainly that is how you see things. However, that is just not how it is. You suffer from GID. I do not.

    You married a woman, impregnated her, and are now raising the children from that union. I seemed to have missed out on that as well.

    These are not just differences in a "life journey". These are fundamental differences between a man suffering from GID and simple woman.

  2. A woman really?? You were born a cis gendered woman? Apologies I must have missed something. I thought you were born male and transitioned young. You are really not getting me here AQV. I actually firmly and truly believe that ALL transsexuals suffer from gender disphoria from day 1! I think it has a biological and it is an abnormality of nature. Like the occasional 2 headed fish. Do you honestly believe that other than your insistence, your intervention with HRT and SRS you would be anything other than male? You would fail a simple genetic test tomorrow. With all due respect I'm not sure if you're not more deluded than I.

    But at the end of the day its what you need to believe to get you through life.

    Oh and please spare me your sarcasm.

    I will await a link to some literature from you that proves me incorrect.

    Everything I say above does not negate the fact that you knew what you were doing when you transitioned. Until I see far more compelling evidence to the contrary I will not move from this

  3. I have explained all in numerous blog posts and you have'nt even scratched the surface of my argumentation....

  4. Kay brown transitioned in her teens but she believes nothing that you believe. Why is that may I ask? Why does she buy into anne lawrence and blanchard and believes two type transsexualism?

    Sorry I don't mean to appear rude. Again just point me to the literature that really outlines your exact point of view concisely and clearly...

    1. Kay Brown AKA Candice Brown Elliott has quite the pedigree. You can find it here....

  5. You don't know me from Adam and don't know how difficult my life was. For you it was a matter of life and death? Are you attracted to men AQV ? Because if you are that says a lot to me right there...

  6. Golly whiz! Attacking the messenger? How gauche. How typical of the angry male not getting his way. How dare I stand up and point out that yes, we are very different. When/how did this degenerate into an argument?

    I am most certainly not trying to move you from your 'position'. That is up to you. As I have said to you many times...."If it works for you..." On the other hand, if it does not....

    I point out errors in your thought process; your logic, if you will. You react with anger and outrage. Yes. Transsexuals are in fact about as rare as two headed fish. Men suffering from AGP/GID...not so much.

    You sarcastically refer to me as 'exceptional' as though that were a pejorative. Are you really denying the fact that nature produces exceptions to the rule. The two headed fish, the while leopard, the black swan?
    What about the Mozart's and the Beethoven's? The Picasso's and the Einstein's?

    Am I comparing myself to them? No. However, I can tell you from my own experience that in spite of my efforts, I have never met anybody in R/L that has survived what I went through. In almost 5 years of perusing and wandering about the Internet, I have encountered less that 3 individuals whose experience even came close to mine.

    Am I attracted to men? Yes. Was I attracted to men or boys prior to my transition? No.

    You ask me for literature. There is very little that even comes close. My guess is that the reason for that is that the vast majority of the research was done on the available population of what I refer to as trans-genders; IE those who experience problems with their gender identity.

    I think that the best I could offer you would be Harry Benjamin's "The Transsexual Phenomenon". Another good read for those in your situation would be "So You Want To Be A T-Girl".

  7. Unfortunately there is very little logic involved here and that's precisely the problem. One day there may be some proper science but right now there is an awful lot of conjecture out there...

  8. Yet while I address some of your misconceptions you continue to ignore or deflect those pertinent issues that I raise. Why is that? I realize that the truth can be terrifying, continuing to deny it or hide from it can be even worse.

    Your pal Blanchard has been exposed for the fraud that he is and to me it just rienforces what I knew decades ago. These guys do not have a clue.


Post a comment

Popular posts from this blog

my last post

This will be my last blog post.

When I wrote recently that this blog had another seven years of life in it I was trying to convince myself that it was true. It was in fact a little bit of self delusion.

With almost 3,000 posts to date I have accomplished what I set out to do which was to heal myself and in the process share some of the struggle I had been through with others on the chance they might find some value in my words. After seven years of writing, my life still isn't perfect; no one's is. But I have discovered a path forward completely free of the trappings which society would have had me adopt so I could fit in.

Over the last 25 years of my life I have turned over every stone I could find while exploring this topic and in the process realized that we haven't even begun to scratch the surface of this deeply complex subject. What I have ultimately learned is that my instincts have more value than what someone who isn't gender dysphoric writes about me. We are …

One transgender woman's take on AGP

This entry from the transhealth website dates back to 2001 and it offers a very nice dissection of the now mostly debunked but still controversial AGP theory and how this transgender woman could care two cents about it. People who have been trying to marginalize the experience of gynephilic transwomen have pushed for the stigmatizing idea that they are actually perverted men.

Well this soul, who couldn't give a hoot either way, isn't buying any of it and her frankness at times had me chuckling to myself as I read her posting.

If we ever met I would give her a hug for seeing through the BS but mostly for being herself:

"About a year ago I was reading on Dr. Anne Lawrence’s site about a new theory of the origin of trans called “autogynephilia.” This theory asserts that many trans women—and transsexual women in particular—desire reassignment surgery because they are eroticizing the feminization of their bodies.

The first thing that struck me about it, of course, was that it …


While this blog is most definitely over, I wanted to explain that part of the reason is that it was getting in the way of writing my next book called "Notes, Essays and Short Stories from the North" which will combine philosophy, trans issues, my observations on life, some short fiction and things that have happened to me over my life and continue to (both trans related and not).

When it is complete I will post the news here and will be happy to send you a free copy upon request in either PDF or eBook format. All I ask is that you provide me with some feedback once you're done reading it.

I'm only in the early stages so it will be a while.

Be well all of you....

sample pages...