I know that I am a gender variant person and not a transsexual and because of this transition is really not the best option for me. I do mull it over but if I can find better ways to manage it then I will do so.
Madeline basically says on her site that if you don’t need to transition you shouldn’t – which is very wise advice. Whether you are gender variant, gender queer, androgynous, etc; find your comfort zone within the gender spectrum and stay there.
This is what I am trying to do and sometimes I need to go to a site like this that confirms what I am thinking – that transition is not the best way to go for me. It is certainly an option if things get bad enough but I won’t go there unless I absolutely need to.
This brings up an interesting question my close friend J (who I confide in with all this) had for me yesterday morning when we were talking on the phone; why is it that at home I don’t often dress in women’s clothing? He asked me this when we were discussing my future options including the possibility of transition.
It is a fair question because in truth I do separate when I go out as Joanna from my life at home. It’s as if I have reserved my alternate gender expression for only my outings. It’s true that I don’t sleep in a nightie and the most I will do is wear ballerinas when at home.
Some of this is just logistics of course. When I go out I wear a wig so why would I put that on at home? I also wear makeup when I go out (part of the reason is to cover my light beard shadow) which again is not needed when I am home alone. But still it was a fair question which had me reflecting a bit.
Yesterday I called Helene (the psychologist with the hospital program) and left her a message. I feel that I am due for a refresher discussion as to where I am these days and try and realign myself. She deals with so many transgender people on a daily basis that she represents for me a sounding board that I can use to test myself and my thinking. At this stage however I won’t allow myself to be talked in or out of anything and she knows this as a professional. We only met once before but I liked her and she encouraged me to see her whenever I needed to even if I decided not to re enter the hospital run program.
I had been trying to go it alone but I think I need to get some feedback and she fits the bill quite nicely for me.