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what now?

I now know that my cross gender behaviour has always been about internal identity instead of arousal. This is all the more apparent as I age. As any elements of eroticism wane, the identity gains increasingly in strength. The identity was strong in the early years then became confused during the turbulent middle years but of late it is back with a clear focus. That identity, in fact, never left me but I merely decided to ignore and suppress its existence in order to try and “fix” myself.

In fact it was never about eroticism but I allowed its mere presence to justify killing my natural instincts towards the feminine and I allowed the guilt and shame of a teen boy’s inadvertent orgasms to stifle everything. Suppression came at a high price however.

With a clearer vision about my past I can see why it was always about emulating my mother and wanted to dress in her clothes. I wanted to be like her from earliest memory and to this day favour the shoes and earrings that I remember her wearing when I was a child.

Over the last five years, I have been adopting a female identity which feels comfortable and right. This is why I think have been confused about the idea of whether I am or am not a transsexual. I feel that at my core part of my true identity is female and that my suppression of this part of myself has been so deeply rooted that I had been denying any connection to it.

Living as a part time woman has given me insights that I never dreamed I would experience while also relieving the tension that I lived with when I was suppressing all. During those years, the tension was at times almost too much to bear.
So I have asked myself recently in the quiet hours of the evening: “God why give me this desire to be female but not give me a female body to begin with? am I then wrong to desire something which my spirit seems to want and appears natural to me?”
Keeping things slow and deliberate has been the correct way to go. This way I feel that I won’t be swept up in a wave of emotion which could lead to disastrous circumstances. Transition of any sort will be used as an absolute last resort when I feel I am in a situation of sheer mental impairment. I have read too many regret stories and they are gut wrenching to say the least.

My saving grace has been my ability to pass. In building relationships with other women I have been able to express my femininity in a way that makes me happy and tames the appetite for any hormonal or surgical intervention. Thank God for my feminine features.

Last night I came home and got dressed. I went to a local cafe where Christine (the barista) knows me as a woman. A young lady who used to also work there entered and before long the three of us were nicely chatting. It felt inclusive and it felt right. I was being addressed in the right pronouns of “she” and “her” and it felt wonderful. I was once again privileged to be a woman if, once again, only for a few hours.

That will have to be good enough for the rest of my days and I think I can live with that.

Comments

  1. Interesting solution for a most difficult of conundrums. I am both happy for you and impressed that you seem to have found a workable solution where so many others have failed.

    My hope is that others can learn from your hard work and from what you have learned. How to "feed the demon" without becoming enthralled and disrupting your own life and the lives of others.

    Well done!

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  2. Vvery much appreciated AQV...Thank you...

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  3. This was a warm and refreshing post. I think that many of us struggle at times with our dual natures. We live in a binary world and we tend to question whether we are male or female. Your experience as merely being one of the girls at the cafe was wonderful. It is that sort of affirmation that feeds our soul.

    I tend to think that there are components of both genders in us and that much of our struggle is to be able to express that dual nature in a society that may not be ready to embrace it.

    My feeling is that we have an inner essence and that some of my inner female components make me seem to be the well liked and well rounded person that I am.
    As a large guy (6'1", 240 lbs) my ability to pass is somewhat of a pipe dream. I have a need to dress and go out and mix with civilians as a means of affirming the female component of my nature but I do not live in "fool's paradise" and delude myself into thinking that I pass as a GG. Nevertheless, when I do get out people seem to be able to get comfortable with 'Pat'. Perhaps that is the goal.

    Pat

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  4. Very well expressed Pat but you know what? Passing is first and foremost a mind attitude. When I was a lot younger and prettier I didnt pass because my body language and level of discomfort gave me away. I pass a lot of the time but not ALL the time. However I don't care and smile and chat with people anyway. I've been amazed at the good feeling I receive back because I've been a good ambassador for the trans community. Be proud of who you are and you go girl!

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