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wondering aloud on a sunday morning...

As comfortable as I currently am in public dressed as a woman, I feel I still have a little ways to go. However the remaining shortfall has less to do with how others perceive me and more how I perceive myself. My internal comfort could be still better and I am working on removing the last vestiges of that of anxiety relating to the stigma in my history that says that what I'm doing is undesireable in the eyes of society and God.

I feel that going to a complete comfort will all the more entrench me in the idea of leaving things as they are (ie no transition). I want to be ok with permanently seeing myself as a transgendered woman who cross dresses as a man in order to retain her life stable and minimize the impact on others.

I know its a nuance and it changes nothing for me but it helps me to frame things mentally.

But my exploration as Joanna is a daily experience and since I am now in a happy place with a distinct view of living life one day at a time, I will simply stay the course with internal peace as my primary consolation.

That being said, I still wondered to myself as I awoke this morning that if my kids were both to give me their approval, would I be tempted to transition?

I am not sure what I would do in that scenario but I would have to reflect long and hard about whether this happiness I feel as a woman would be permanently instilled in me and enrich my life even further. That as of now remains unanswered.

However, I am not anytime soon about to propose that question to my kids. I will instead test the concept of spending my life as a full time woman by seeing if longer periods in that mode produce a requirement for more.

After mass this morning I met sabrina for a chai latte and we had a good long talk about her life. She sees me a bit as a surrogate mother I think and I enjoy giving her the benefit of my life experience to her. I am after all twice her age. Because it's mother's day she insisted on paying - God bless her. It's a relationship that works for both of us as her mother and father both have some problems. She thinks I'm a strong fascinating woman.

The feeling is mutual.

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