I feel that going to a complete comfort will all the more entrench me in the idea of leaving things as they are (ie no transition). I want to be ok with permanently seeing myself as a transgendered woman who cross dresses as a man in order to retain her life stable and minimize the impact on others.
I know its a nuance and it changes nothing for me but it helps me to frame things mentally.
But my exploration as Joanna is a daily experience and since I am now in a happy place with a distinct view of living life one day at a time, I will simply stay the course with internal peace as my primary consolation.
That being said, I still wondered to myself as I awoke this morning that if my kids were both to give me their approval, would I be tempted to transition?
I am not sure what I would do in that scenario but I would have to reflect long and hard about whether this happiness I feel as a woman would be permanently instilled in me and enrich my life even further. That as of now remains unanswered.
However, I am not anytime soon about to propose that question to my kids. I will instead test the concept of spending my life as a full time woman by seeing if longer periods in that mode produce a requirement for more.
After mass this morning I met sabrina for a chai latte and we had a good long talk about her life. She sees me a bit as a surrogate mother I think and I enjoy giving her the benefit of my life experience to her. I am after all twice her age. Because it's mother's day she insisted on paying - God bless her. It's a relationship that works for both of us as her mother and father both have some problems. She thinks I'm a strong fascinating woman.
The feeling is mutual.