Skip to main content

a word to N...

A blog is like a personal diary or at least this one is. It is written from my perspective and chronicles my attitudes, fears and joys at a particular junction of my life. It does not pretend to be the news because it is sometimes used to vent rather than to try and stay 100% factual and yes it can be like navel gazing at times.

I write what I feel at the time and it has been my therapy.

The fact that it is a shared document does not change the previous statements.

Last night N and I went out for coffer and dessert and for a few hours we talked and walked. It was a very nice evening during which our previous relationship was discussed.

This blog also came up as a topic.

A few days ago I mentioned in this blog that I was coming clean. I said that I was a woman and that I knew it in my bones. I don't know if this is 100% truth either because it is based on conjecture and perception. It comes from the mind of a person who suffers from gender disphoria.

People who have followed this blog know that I have done about faces and gone down some blind alleys in an attempt to try and understand myself and those errors get documented and remain there for all to see.

N has now read my blog and I want to tell her in this post that I am sorry. I have no business telling someone that I am attracted to them and that I am very certain that I will never transition. I can only say that I will fight it with all my strength.

I understand that my mind plays tricks on me and that my GID ebbs and flows like the tide and when I am in male mode and next to someone I still have feelings for I am apt to say things I should'nt. Until I have a clear plan ahead that offers me firmer footing, I will refrain from exposing anyone to any of this.

It's probably also best that I make that I remain permanently on my own so I can more effectively dose out my crossdressing to treat my GID. No good can come of mixing my problems with the entirely normal expectations of a female companion.

But I do want to thank her for the lovely evening once again and to apologize if she thinks I was deliberately trying to deceive her.

I seem to have far more expertise, it seems, at deceiving myself.


  1. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  2. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  3. I won't allow profanity on this site. I had to remove the comment and no need for your intervention but thanks...

  4. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  5. profanity??? I must have missed that.

  6. ahhh your comments are all to familiar.
    it is so true in that being in fem comes like the ebb of the tide at the ocean.

    in the last 20 years as i have come to know myself a BIT better i have always told the gg's i have gone out with by at least the third date about being transgendered. on one first date i found that the persons' child had just transitioned but believe it or not it has never been a problem (accept once but that was sooo short it was done by the 3rd date.) other issues have ended the relationships just as they can come up in traditional relationships ( where being transgendered is not part of the equation). in all cases maybe because i work in a arts related field they were glad that i was not as macho as guys they had known in previous relationships.
    unfortunately due to all the diseases out there i will probably never truly know if i am bi but i am guessing that that is were i will find the most acceptance. but as i have said there have been gg's who are completely straight who have been accepting of me.
    ohhh the tangled webb of our minds.... science has only begun to unravel the mysteries of the mind and it has a verrrry long ways to go to fully understand such things.
    i guess what i am saying is that if M is accepting of you perhaps just go with the flow. and in the verrry least you will have a wonderful friend to go places with and share your thoughts. but then again isn't that what a relationship is all about? sharing. and wouldn't it be great if everyone could have a partner that was their best friend? so just take it one event at a time but i wouldn't shut M out completely as that is not fair to M. as long as she knows about both selves then you are starting out on an even playing field with being honest with her.

  7. woops i said "M" instead of "N" for your friend sorry about that.

  8. Thank you for your comments Diana. Yes we are so similar in so many ways and yes I am trying to work things out with N...

  9. Perhaps you might find some relevance here...

  10. I did find relevance there and I am planning to do just that. Incorporate Joanna into my life without any hormones or any surgery. N undetstands and supports this approach and it will allow me to have an outlet to manage my disphoria. Thank you for posting it....

  11. Sharing your blog with N was a brave decision. As a GG she should recognize that your blog is very much like your diary. It records present tense impressions as you look back on where you have been and then try to look forward.

    She will recoginze that your postings, while not always consistent from one to the next, are your best efforts at making an accurate record as you come to grips with your GID and everything else that is going on in your life.

  12. I agree with Pat. Sharing your blog with N was a brave move and a tribute to your strong commitment to utter unflinching honesty. Yes there will be some harsh words and sometimes some bruised and battered feelings. Is that not the way of the world and why we all struggle so hard to find someone, somewhere that might give us succor?

    Stay the course. You can do this.


  13. Thanks to both of you for your support. She needs to understand exactly where I am with all of this and now she knows even more.

    Yes Pat a blog is a kind of jotting down of your mind at that moment and that moment may not always be a lucid one.

    I cannot afford to not be honest with her and with myself.

  14. I am trying to stay on course AQV!


Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

"Oh please its 2016!"

I have mentioned before that I have a lovely young couple living above the unit next to mine. Well the other day as I was getting in the door, she and I overlapped for the first time with me dressed as a woman.

We had a nice conversation and at some point I mentioned the obvious which was that I had told her future husband that they might see me in a different guise from time to time so they wouldn't wonder about who the strange woman was. She just looked at me almost rolling her eyes while smiling from ear to ear and said:

"Oh Please it's 2016!"

For the record she was also very complementary regarding my choice of attire.

I could care less at this point in my life what people think but it is still lovely to see the millennial generation's freedom of spirit and acceptance so lacking in previous generations. Yes they have their own foibles, as does every generation, but this area certainly isn't one of them.

the pseudoscience behind gender dysphoria

The real science as to what causes gender dysphoria still awaits.

Harry Benjamin was on to something except he didn’t have the scientific evidence to back up his suspicions hence, like a true scientist, he negated to draw conclusions. His hunch, based on treating so many patients over his lifetime, was that one is born with a predisposition to be gender dysphoric.

However, with inconclusive brain scans and no DNA marker (as of yet) we are left with believing the word of people who need help and only want to lead happy and productive lives.

The best we have been able to muster since Benjamin's death in 1986 was to amass statistics on who gets a boner imagining themselves as a woman which is in equal parts pathetic and disappointing. For this is not really science at all but is instead playing with interview data that doesn't point to anything definitive or conclusive. I have dealt with this problem at great length in my blog.

The whole thing started with Kurt Freund's obses…

looking past cross gender arousal

Jack’s latest Crossdreamers post got me thinking about cross gender arousal and how it could be avoided; also whether it even matters. This with particular focus on the inability to relate of someone on the outside looking in.

You see, sexuality is a very complicated thing to begin with and when you then add gender identity ambiguity it becomes a recipe to really confuse someone.

So imagine that you are a little boy who identifies as a girl but then along comes puberty and short circuits everything by having the sex you identify with also be the sex you are attracted to. For in essence this is what happens to all all male to female gender dysphoric trans persons who are attracted to women.

So I ask myself: can I imagine a scenario where this inherent contradiction would not produce sexual confusion? The answer is that I cannot.

I am in the unique position, like many of you, to have experienced an early identification with the feminine become sexualized later on. This brought confusion…