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affirmation...

"I love her high heels" said one Starbucks girl to the other while pointing to my feet while on their break. I was innocently waiting for my machiatto. They were not older than 20 and their admiration for my best pair of black patent pumps was giving me great pleasure.I turned around and said "oh thanks!"

I live for such validation from other women but I have never known why.

It just is and likely always will be. We are funny creatures us disphorics.

The absolute warmth that I experience when my presentation as a woman is validated is like passing a test. I have, at least for that day, had my womanhood approved by the toughest litmus test of all; namely young genetic women. Why this is so life affirming is rooted in the mystery of my condition but without further analysis I bask in my moment of feminine glory.

Its never felt better than now because now I can experience all of this without self blame and guilt. Joanna is who she is and she will not be denied.

Affirmation like this is serving as my stop gap measure in order to prevent my life from exploding into a million pieces. I will accept my ability to pass as a gift which counteracts my illness and helps me to cope.

I am meeting N tonight for drinks. Let's see how that goes....

Comments

  1. I kind of know what you mean. I always say I'm non transitioning, but reality is that I'm partially transitioned. I'm almost always id'd as male. But every now and them I get id'd as female and it feels wonderful.

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