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Ain't life grand?....

Last night after going to a short get together for my boss who is transferring to another office for 2 years, I met N and we had dinner. It was a very pleasant time together and the conversation flowed well. Of course we both expressed trepidation because neither of us had been in this situation before; namely, trying to figure out what we mean to each other a year after a spectacular break up.

She certainly brought up some issues.

For one I am partially asexual in that my libido is not the greatest to begin with. Secondly I suffer from what many transgender and transsexuals have to deal with in that in order to be intimate with a woman I have to fantasize about my own femininity (note the non reference to Ray Blanchard’s term).

She is aware of this and is not happy about it and I feel bad because I am not physically able to repair that part of myself. For better or worse it’s the way I am made.

So as nice as the evening was, I reflected last night as I was trying to sleep, how narrow my chances are to be in a stable relationship in my current state with someone who would want someone normal and conventionally male.

I am not a normal male and never will be. She will always feel disappointed and I will always feel bad that I can’t deliver what she desires and deserves.

It’s actually a recipe for unhappiness for each of us.

So as we left each other last night we decided to not start anything until I start group therapy in the fall.

Interestingly she asked me why I would not just cave in to transition and see if I might not be happier as a woman. I continue to argue my way out of that option in front of her because I am scared to death and fear deep down she may be right.

I just don’t want to turn my life upside down to find out.

I am starting to understand how transsexuals feel in that they are slowly being lead down a road towards the inevitable in that no matter whether you veer right or left, you are in the end left with little choice but to transition.

I never thought that I would be facing such a scenario, but here I am and my biggest fear is finding out that I am in reality a woman.


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“So how is it going on that front. Meet anyone interesting lately?”

I reflected for a moment and then said:

“My situation is a little particular and if you don’t mind I can share something about myself”

She leaned in a bit and told me to please go ahead.

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She looked at me and smiled and said:

“Really? That’s so neat”

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Are you surprised? I’m not because it is exactly the same list that makes transgender women feel sexy.

For a long time the idea was pandered about that transsexualism was rooted exclusively in aberrant sexuality. But of course you cannot separate the sexuality from the individual because that forms part of their overall makeup and the fact that genetic and transsexual women overlap here surprises no one.

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Pre transition transsexuals would not readily admit they found these things sexy because they were afraid to be seen as perverted men in front of gatekeepers who understood nothing about their condition.

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Being transgender isn't exclusively a problem of aberrant sexuality

If being transgender were exclusively a problem of aberrant sexuality, then I would seem to be an exception to the rule.

To date I have lived my life like a choir boy and have had low libido throughout. I have yet to ever see a porn film and both my ex-wife and ex-girlfriend complained about my lack of sex drive. I also knew I was different from a very young age.

This is why the accusation that male to female transgender persons attracted to women are perverts doesn’t hold much water with me. I was mortified when I hit puberty and realized that my desire to be female had taken on sexual overtones and I ended up, like most of you, repeatedly throwing things in the bin as a repudiation. In fact, accepting that my sexuality has been permanently impacted was the hardest pill to swallow in my journey to become a fully realized transgender person.

That is why I say to those who are still concerned about what outsiders who haven’t lived your personal experience have to say about you should l…