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Ain't life grand?....

Last night after going to a short get together for my boss who is transferring to another office for 2 years, I met N and we had dinner. It was a very pleasant time together and the conversation flowed well. Of course we both expressed trepidation because neither of us had been in this situation before; namely, trying to figure out what we mean to each other a year after a spectacular break up.

She certainly brought up some issues.

For one I am partially asexual in that my libido is not the greatest to begin with. Secondly I suffer from what many transgender and transsexuals have to deal with in that in order to be intimate with a woman I have to fantasize about my own femininity (note the non reference to Ray Blanchard’s term).

She is aware of this and is not happy about it and I feel bad because I am not physically able to repair that part of myself. For better or worse it’s the way I am made.

So as nice as the evening was, I reflected last night as I was trying to sleep, how narrow my chances are to be in a stable relationship in my current state with someone who would want someone normal and conventionally male.

I am not a normal male and never will be. She will always feel disappointed and I will always feel bad that I can’t deliver what she desires and deserves.

It’s actually a recipe for unhappiness for each of us.

So as we left each other last night we decided to not start anything until I start group therapy in the fall.

Interestingly she asked me why I would not just cave in to transition and see if I might not be happier as a woman. I continue to argue my way out of that option in front of her because I am scared to death and fear deep down she may be right.

I just don’t want to turn my life upside down to find out.

I am starting to understand how transsexuals feel in that they are slowly being lead down a road towards the inevitable in that no matter whether you veer right or left, you are in the end left with little choice but to transition.

I never thought that I would be facing such a scenario, but here I am and my biggest fear is finding out that I am in reality a woman.

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