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Being in between things...

It’s quite an interesting period I am going through now.

I am peeling away layers of old paint in my psyche but that does not mean I am ready to embark on transition. My aim is to achieve congruence and balance and as I have very often stated here I want to come to an equilibrium that works for me.

One of the annoying aspects is the impracticality of leading a double life. Changing clothes back and forth and removing and re applying makeup makes for a schizophrenic existence that I am not sure I want. But even that is not good enough reason to make a major life change.

It must be based on NEED and not want.

I am probably in the in between stage where I am slowly accepting the possibility that transition would work well for me and trying to be happy as a part time male. In essence I have reversed myself and become a woman who plays male for her children and for work.

But I am not sure of that. It’s just a theory.

What I have discovered over the last year is that being me is more like a female and playing a male requires more work. My ability to be open, social and happy seems to be stronger when I am Joanna. I am naturally tense as a male probably because it is not my normal state. It’s like putting a square peg in a round hole.

I have no basis for physical comparison since I have never take hormones but the change in mental processing is markedly different. I can truly relax and be myself as Joanna.

My ex spouse confided to me that my daughter expressed fear about a potential transition on my part. I had never spoken to my daughter directly about this so I called her to inquire where this was coming from. It turns out that it was her own idea to just express one day to my ex spouse. But putting it out in the open gave me the chance to allay any fears that my daughter might have had about transition.

As it turns out I don’t think she would have as much trouble as I might fear except that there would naturally be an adjustment period. Like everything else in life, it would take time.

Time is what I am letting happen and with it more answers will come.

I've got it!!...I think what is currently happening is that i am slowly melding me into a whole person. Whoever wins in the end will either be a man or a woman.


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