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Being in between things...

It’s quite an interesting period I am going through now.

I am peeling away layers of old paint in my psyche but that does not mean I am ready to embark on transition. My aim is to achieve congruence and balance and as I have very often stated here I want to come to an equilibrium that works for me.

One of the annoying aspects is the impracticality of leading a double life. Changing clothes back and forth and removing and re applying makeup makes for a schizophrenic existence that I am not sure I want. But even that is not good enough reason to make a major life change.

It must be based on NEED and not want.

I am probably in the in between stage where I am slowly accepting the possibility that transition would work well for me and trying to be happy as a part time male. In essence I have reversed myself and become a woman who plays male for her children and for work.

But I am not sure of that. It’s just a theory.

What I have discovered over the last year is that being me is more like a female and playing a male requires more work. My ability to be open, social and happy seems to be stronger when I am Joanna. I am naturally tense as a male probably because it is not my normal state. It’s like putting a square peg in a round hole.

I have no basis for physical comparison since I have never take hormones but the change in mental processing is markedly different. I can truly relax and be myself as Joanna.

My ex spouse confided to me that my daughter expressed fear about a potential transition on my part. I had never spoken to my daughter directly about this so I called her to inquire where this was coming from. It turns out that it was her own idea to just express one day to my ex spouse. But putting it out in the open gave me the chance to allay any fears that my daughter might have had about transition.

As it turns out I don’t think she would have as much trouble as I might fear except that there would naturally be an adjustment period. Like everything else in life, it would take time.

Time is what I am letting happen and with it more answers will come.

I've got it!!...I think what is currently happening is that i am slowly melding me into a whole person. Whoever wins in the end will either be a man or a woman.


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Recently I had lunch with one of the young estimators who occasionally works with me here in Toronto. We were chatting about work and our respective lives when she queried about my love life:

“So how is it going on that front. Meet anyone interesting lately?”

I reflected for a moment and then said:

“My situation is a little particular and if you don’t mind I can share something about myself”

She leaned in a bit and told me to please go ahead.

“I am trans” I said matter of factly.

She looked at me and smiled and said:

“Really? That’s so neat”

She is 35 years old and a lovely person which is why I knew I could confide in her. I then added that I had been reflecting on whether I would switch companies and begin working as Joanna and although she is totally open she also knows how conservative our business can be. So I told her that if I did decide to it would definitely be under a different umbrella.

Then yesterday I was coming back to my place and the lady who rents it to me, who is abo…

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Here are the results of a recent survey of genetic women:

“A new hairdo, walking in heels and a glowing tan are among the things that make a woman feel sexy. Freshly applied lipstick, newly-shaved legs and a little black dress also have a positive effect on the psyche”

Are you surprised? I’m not because it is exactly the same list that makes transgender women feel sexy.

For a long time the idea was pandered about that transsexualism was rooted exclusively in aberrant sexuality. But of course you cannot separate the sexuality from the individual because that forms part of their overall makeup and the fact that genetic and transsexual women overlap here surprises no one.

We should also add here that women aren't always thinking about sex and neither are transgender women.

Pre transition transsexuals would not readily admit they found these things sexy because they were afraid to be seen as perverted men in front of gatekeepers who understood nothing about their condition.

Today we kn…

Being transgender isn't exclusively a problem of aberrant sexuality

If being transgender were exclusively a problem of aberrant sexuality, then I would seem to be an exception to the rule.

To date I have lived my life like a choir boy and have had low libido throughout. I have yet to ever see a porn film and both my ex-wife and ex-girlfriend complained about my lack of sex drive. I also knew I was different from a very young age.

This is why the accusation that male to female transgender persons attracted to women are perverts doesn’t hold much water with me. I was mortified when I hit puberty and realized that my desire to be female had taken on sexual overtones and I ended up, like most of you, repeatedly throwing things in the bin as a repudiation. In fact, accepting that my sexuality has been permanently impacted was the hardest pill to swallow in my journey to become a fully realized transgender person.

That is why I say to those who are still concerned about what outsiders who haven’t lived your personal experience have to say about you should l…