Skip to main content

coming clean...

I need to clarify something.

I am transgender by circumstance only and not by choice. I am transgender because I am stuck in a no man's land and not because I want to be this way.

Why would I want to be stuck as a partial male and not quite a woman? Why would anyone?

I don't care to play dress up like a weekend CD and then go back to being male. I am a woman and was always meant to be one. I know it in my bones and in my heart of hearts. But this is no longer a question that requires answering.

The questions that linger are: can I live the rest of my days as the woman I am in the body of a male and continue to play a role for the sake of my career and my children AND if not how much resolve do I have to face such a huge upheaval.

This I do not yet know.

I know I have been hiding behind theories in order to deflect focus from reality. I enjoy being a woman because I am a woman. The closer I have been coming to the woman I am, the closer I have been approaching true contentment. This is why things are going so well in comparison to my previous existence.

However, my natural instinct is to want to resolve things quickly. But, just like my son's anxiety, some things take time to resolve and require patience. I have learnt much about patience in dealing with my son.

I will be applying that new found patience towards my own situation and let things move along slowly as they should.

Comments

  1. Perhaps you have heard of http://calietg.blogspot.com/2011/04/transitioning-smart.html

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I am a huge fan of calie's and she speaks an eloquent truth in that post. The game plan remains the same for me: no transition unless I feel my physical and mental health are compromised. I am a strong person but no matter which road I would choose there would be big challenges regardless. Thank you fot posting this...

      Delete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

another coming out

Recently I had lunch with one of the young estimators who occasionally works with me here in Toronto. We were chatting about work and our respective lives when she queried about my love life:

“So how is it going on that front. Meet anyone interesting lately?”

I reflected for a moment and then said:

“My situation is a little particular and if you don’t mind I can share something about myself”

She leaned in a bit and told me to please go ahead.

“I am trans” I said matter of factly.

She looked at me and smiled and said:

“Really? That’s so neat”

She is 35 years old and a lovely person which is why I knew I could confide in her. I then added that I had been reflecting on whether I would switch companies and begin working as Joanna and although she is totally open she also knows how conservative our business can be. So I told her that if I did decide to it would definitely be under a different umbrella.

Then yesterday I was coming back to my place and the lady who rents it to me, who is abo…

feeling sexy

Here are the results of a recent survey of genetic women:

“A new hairdo, walking in heels and a glowing tan are among the things that make a woman feel sexy. Freshly applied lipstick, newly-shaved legs and a little black dress also have a positive effect on the psyche”

Are you surprised? I’m not because it is exactly the same list that makes transgender women feel sexy.

For a long time the idea was pandered about that transsexualism was rooted exclusively in aberrant sexuality. But of course you cannot separate the sexuality from the individual because that forms part of their overall makeup and the fact that genetic and transsexual women overlap here surprises no one.

We should also add here that women aren't always thinking about sex and neither are transgender women.

Pre transition transsexuals would not readily admit they found these things sexy because they were afraid to be seen as perverted men in front of gatekeepers who understood nothing about their condition.

Today we kn…

Being transgender isn't exclusively a problem of aberrant sexuality

If being transgender were exclusively a problem of aberrant sexuality, then I would seem to be an exception to the rule.

To date I have lived my life like a choir boy and have had low libido throughout. I have yet to ever see a porn film and both my ex-wife and ex-girlfriend complained about my lack of sex drive. I also knew I was different from a very young age.

This is why the accusation that male to female transgender persons attracted to women are perverts doesn’t hold much water with me. I was mortified when I hit puberty and realized that my desire to be female had taken on sexual overtones and I ended up, like most of you, repeatedly throwing things in the bin as a repudiation. In fact, accepting that my sexuality has been permanently impacted was the hardest pill to swallow in my journey to become a fully realized transgender person.

That is why I say to those who are still concerned about what outsiders who haven’t lived your personal experience have to say about you should l…