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finding my way back

I began writing this blog during a period of my life when my guilt was boiling over.

I had been left by a woman who thought I had verbal abuse issues, my marriage had broken up years before due to my omission of my gender issues and my kids had not been tended to adequately. I was unclear (and maybe still am) as to how much I am to blame for my gender issues.

Was I indulging a sinful habit or was this the way I was created and I was merely using crossdressing as a tool to manage a pre existing condition?

The fetish argument fell away after I began analyzing my life and realized that I hadn't been much of a crossdresser since my yearly indulgences were always rewarded with a massive purge.

So if I wasn't a transvestite or crossdresser or fetishist then what was I?

I then stumbled onto AGP theory and fell victim to its spell for a time. That theory has now been discredited as it does not speak to my experience.

So I am left thinking that I may fall into the Harry Benjamin scale of maybe type IV transsexual, perhaps somewhere between tranvestite and transsexual. The definition is only important in the sense that it helps me to remove culpability from my shoulders. Because I grew up with guilt as a way of life. Everything is your fault and you are responsible for your own actions.

I have finally understood that I have something that I did not create but that I am responsible for somehow managing. In every other area of my life my incredible self discipline has served me but not here.

This is beyond my understanding. Does God condemn me if I feel pressured to transition? Does it matter that much what envelope we come in? Am I sinning by succumbing to this temptation. I do not yet know but many people are born with conditions that require treatment. Why should this one be any different? Is it not also a medical condition?

Even if it isn't it makes little difference since regardless of the origin I am dealing with something real. The lack of resistance and my espousing my transgender nature has produced a much happier person. But might this last step produce a final eureka moment of final peace with the removal of all trace of disphoria? How long can I keep living a double life?

Yet in spite of my reflecting on it, I am far from being convinced that transition is the answer.

Yesterday morning I attended mass at the cathedral and afterwards my new friend Ginette and I spent a good hour and a half chatting over coffee. My soul was once again fed as I revelled in my natural femininity. But is this an elaborate playing pretend or is this my natural state? How could I ever face my children or my mother as the woman I now present to the world?

I believe that this has now become a management issue. I have overshot and now need to come back down to earth and put the uncoiled spring back in the box. I am on the cusp of reuniting with a woman I may be able to spend the rest of my days with so I need guidance.

Help me God to find my way.


  1. "...a management issue"???? You have got to be kidding? How long will you delude yourself? You are trying to "manage" a potentially terminal illness.

    Would you act as your own attorney if your life were on the line? Or the life of your loved ones? Would you treat your own heart condition if you needed a potentially life saving operation? You are displaying the greatest of hubris by continuing to believe that you can "manage" this on your own.

  2. I am out of energy and am trying everything to go other than in the direction of transition. I will check myself into the full hospital program with helene if the group sessions with her show what I fear most....that I am a transsexual...I am looking for alternatives but I am running out of ideas...

  3. Mistaking the internalized as nature. I don't know whether your case is of utter delusion, or an inability to understand. Astonishing.

  4. I don't get you at all. Do you have gender disphoria or the slightest confusion about your gender identity? If you do not then you are no help to me at all. Enjoy your fetish.

  5. Joanna -

    When I first came out as transgendered, I stepped on a path not knowing where it would lead. Do I think I will fully transition? No. But I had to accept that possibility that I would transition instead of repressing it. (And yes, there is a part of me that can imagine being a woman (with a vagina, and not a pseudo-woman having another form of sex) with a man. But I don't fantasize about it - my preference is sex with women.)

    As for you, I feel that you are repressing another potential thought - what if you really need to transition and have GCS? The more you repress those thoughts, the more they will come back with a vengeance - and the more likely you would suffer on the path to transition.

    Please note, I am not saying that you need to transition. Instead, I'm saying you are fighting it way too hard, and you are not trusting the path to take you to a place you will be comfortable.

    So now, let's examine your relationship with family and friends. What are you willing to sacrifice to have these relationships? Your happiness? I hope not. So you have to ask yourself - what makes you happy? What would bring your soul the most peace? If you can't afford not to have family and friends, (most of us can't), what can you do to satisfy that aching in your soul and to have that family and those friendships?

    You need to answer these core questions before you reunite with this woman. If you don't, your repression will trigger your responses of anger, and you will lose her completely. Let's say you accepted the chance of transition, could this woman be your closest friend instead of your lover? You've traveled so far already, and this woman is willing to give you a second chance. But this chance has been given because you started down this path, because you are finally starting to be honest with yourself, recognizing the needs of your soul....

    Don't blow it - whatever you decide to do....


  6. Marian its true that I have finally started to be honest about who I am and that search is now on in earnest. I do not want to delude N and she has a right to be with a normal male. So no I wont persue anything other than a friendship right now and maybe for good. What makes me happy right now is living the way I do now but I wonder if my disphoria might not be settled by a complete transition due to the fact that I live in a kind of schizophrenic fashion. However my kids are my priority and because its later in my life I will need to proceed cautiously and delay any transition process in order to be sensitive to my obligations....

  7. Joanna -

    Pursuing "just" a friendship at this time is wise. And yes, she has a right to be with a normal male. But more importantly, she has the right to be with who she wants to be regardless of ethnic group, gender expression, preference, or identification.... And yes, your kids must be your priority, and probably the one reason to delay transition if that is your destiny.

    Only time will tell if a complete transition is needed. Don't rush in any direction, but go with the flow. You'll know the right thing to do when you need to do something.


  8. "I don't get you at all. Do you have gender disphoria or the slightest confusion about your gender identity? If you do not then you are no help to me at all. Enjoy your fetish."

    If you are or have been sexually aroused by you know what, then that is your "fetish". You are hopeless!

    1. No I am afraid that you are the hopeless one because arousal is not necessarily a sign of a fetish. If you bothereed to read the studies you might want to note that many pre transition transsexuals experience arousal. You're steering down a blind alley. You are happy with yourself a fetishist and are no longer searching? well good for you but I am not done exploring my feelings and I am done with the theories so thanks.

    2. When I state "fetish" I mean sexual arousal by something.

      Of which, of a small percentage of the people who are sexually aroused by such develop dysphoria.

      Now, how are you going to account for the emergence of dysphoria in the minority of fetishists? Or are you going to continue to ignore the central issue?

      There has never been any "search" for me, because I am lucky to have never come to think in such a way that has allowed my fetish has become more than a fetish.

      I am being constructive. It seems more than anything that you are utterly incapable of understanding, seemingly anything beyond what you want to hear.

      Genuinely I would recommend seeking out not only a gender therapist, but one which deals with sexual issues.

    3. what you seem not to understand is that my goal is not to explain why only the minority of fetishists who experience disphoria. My only aim is to explain myself. I do not consider myself a fetishist based on my life experience to date. If that changes I will let you know...

    4. As I have already explained the mere presence of arousal does not automatically signify fetish just as for you the mere presence of a fetish does not automatically signify disphoria.

    5. Yes your goal is to explain yourself, so if you ever experienced autogynephilic fantasies, then there is a fetishistic dynamic, for which any gender issues are adjunct in relation to. Both adjunct as a presexualized cause, and as a postsexualized psychological internalization of the fetishism.

      Sexual arousal by very definition is sexual arousal by a property, that property is a fetishistic niche. All sexuality is fetishistic.

    6. Whatever floats your boat and helps you explain yourself....

    7. You are a fetishist and so you subscribe to AGP theory. I am not and so I don't. I think the reason you are trying to convince me otherwise is that you are afraid to turn into me by age 50. I've lived longet than you and I know a little bit about human psychology to boot.

      Plus you don't need to convince me of your theory to be happy so go ahead and be happy...

  9. wxhluyp I dont make it a habit of deleting comments from my blog but I will do just that if you persist on your repetitive message which really serves no purpose for me. Unless you have something constructive please dont bother posting the same thing over and over...

  10. Marian rushing is the last thing on my mind. It took me many many years to even acknowledge that these feelings are legitimate. So now is the arduous and long road back to trying to sort them out. I am going to be in the hands of a very experienced therapist who works under the Montreal General Hospital gender clinic. She deals with many cases like mine. let's see what happens...


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