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group therapy...

I had a good session with Helene yesterday.

It was positive and confidence building for me. She strongly encouraged me to get to the bottom of everything by signing up for the group therapy sessions which start in the fall. I have decided to take her up on that offer.

This does not necessarily mean that I need to enter the formal program either. I can for example only sign up for the group and forego the individual sessions with Helene. They meet once every 2 weeks on Wednesdays between 11 30 and 1 pm. The cost is $50 per session so its not astronomical.

In Helene's experience, people progress further in finding answers to their gender issues in the group setting than in the individual sessions. I will see how that goes. Interestingly she insisted on staying away from the word transsexual and instead opted to talk about gender disphoria. She stated that the term has a connotation for many and carries a stigma that would frighten many (myself included) from seeking therapy.

It's not a cheerleading club for transition that they are running but instead a program that helps people come to terms with their gender issues.

Among the group are people who have never crossdressed and others who are well into hormones and living full time so it is quite the cross section of gender misfits.

Interestingly when I brought up the issue of my recent meet up with N she alluded to the possibility that I am seeking out people who are ashamed of my being trans as much as I am. She noted in some of my use of language that I still have work to do in coming to terms with who I am.

 I know she is right and as much as I have dramatically improved my sense of self, I still have a ways to go before I find my baseline resting point. When I pointed to the impression that my disphoria was worsening with age she had a different perspective. She noted that the gap between my male life and my female life was widening.

This larger canyon is making it more difficult for me to bridge the gap. As she was speaking I realized that she was right. I am having trouble reconciling and living a double life is very challenging.

The session reinforced my resolve to get to the bottom of everything since, aside for the 4 month session back in 2007 with an apprentice sexologist at the hospital, I have never been in long term therapy for my gender issues.

I think the time has come.


  1. Group therapy may make sense. If you find it useful then stay with it. If you find it a waste of time you can vote with your feet. I find that I am one person. I am male most of the time and to almost everyone I encounter on a regular basis. I like to dress and present as a woman as often as I can. I recognize that I only have one head, one set of memories and a singular base of knowledge and experience regardless of my attire. I also recognize that I have duties and obligations as my male person that need to be honored.

  2. Understood pat but I am also more "out" than you plus I am alone. I need to investigate how deep this goes. Make no mistake however in that I won't be landslided by committee into a transition process. Helene insisted that this will not be the case and if I feel that happening I will vote with my feet for sure. I could still be a father to my son even if I transitioned and if I don't and simply stay gender non conforming then its not even an issue. Thx for your support...

  3. Sounds like your meeting with Helene has reinforced a lot of what we have discussed in the past. I am glad that you are progressing through your defensive mechanisms.

    I do have some difficulty with this..." I could still be a father to my son even if I transitioned..."

  4. I don't mean a father in the conventional sense but I would pretend to be a second mother either. The idea is that I have lived as a male all my life and would not shrug off my duty as a parent even if I were to live in a modified vessel. For the record transition is a last resort scenario.

  5. I meant NOT pretend to be his mother!


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