Skip to main content

I really should know better...

I had to contact N for some tax issues and we ended up emailing back and forth about it. At one point (and I am not sure what made me do it) I told her that I missed her and that I thought we should meet for coffee.

Well it was back to old times and before I knew it I was embroiled in a series of texts and emails that had me scratching my head. It started innocently enough and then proceeded to me being asked why I missed her and why I contacted her again.

It made me feel like the old days when we used to fight.

Truth be told I was probably using my rose coloured glasses again and because I had started to feel so good about things lately that I could use that positive energy to re ignite something that was never really all that good I suppose.

I don’t really understand romantic love at all. I wear my heart on my sleeve all the time and I am very honest. I am also latin tempered and that can get me into trouble. I was shy and withdrawn growing up and although I am very sociable I am basically somewhat of a loner. I am also finicky about who I consider a friend because basically at the root I am a bit of an intellectual snob. Pedestrian and uninteresting people bore me and when N used to acclaim that her friends were so amazing I was hard pressed to see what she saw in them. Maybe its me I don't know...

The one time we met an interesting couple (he was a college professor and his wife also highly educated and interesting) the evening turned out to be very much to my liking but she found them to be bores. I was left scratching my head once again.

I think the problem is that we were never really and truly friends N and I.

And now I am left with the same dilemma that all trans people have. How much can you be yourself and still conform to the standards of acceptability in order to attract a mate. But the truth is that my 2 major relationship failures have left me disappointed and confused. And now that I have truly accepted myself I am not going back to shoe horning myself into someone else’s idea of what a man should be.

For better or worse, I am who I am.

Comments

  1. Great minds and thinkers have been writing about their inability to understand romantic love for centuries. That you may be confused by romantic love merely entitles you to join the club.

    Obviously there were some positive feelings and emotions between you and N. Additionally, simply from an accounting for your life perspective, you and N did have some significant investment in each other.

    Nevertheless, there are issues that always arise when we need to coexist with others. Sometimes these issues can simply be secondary in nature and go into the interpersonal mix of things that are good, bad or indifferent. Sometimes the issues cannot be overlooked or ignored and once the Rubicon is crossed there may be no turning back.

    I count my blessings daily and at the top of my list is a wonderful wife of almost 40 years who remains my lover and best friend. My most sincere wish for my children is that they find a wonderful mate. I am not saying it is all wine and roses...there are plenty of negatives... but from the day we met I felt the chemistry and that persists to this day.

    Pat

    ReplyDelete
  2. You are indeed fortunate Pat most especially if she is able to understand and accept the trans side of you. I struggled so much with this part of me that I could not truly be myself when I was with her.

    ReplyDelete
  3. My wife appreciates the optomist part of me more than the trans part of me. She has never been happy with my dressing but over the years seems to have come to a point of peaceful acceptance that many of my better points are in some fashion connected to my dressing.
    I try to not make it a big issue and I do what I can to stay aware of her sensitivities. I would like to get out and about but she fears/dreads anyone finding out about my dressing. For the most part she does not like to talk about it but has become tolerant of it.
    Pat

    ReplyDelete
  4. This is where you and I are very different Pat in that I am very much out. So I have the threshold that most women would even tolerate...

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

looking past cross gender arousal

Jack’s latest Crossdreamers post got me thinking about cross gender arousal and how it could be avoided; also whether it even matters. This with particular focus on the inability to relate of someone on the outside looking in.

You see, sexuality is a very complicated thing to begin with and when you then add gender identity ambiguity it becomes a recipe to really confuse someone.

So imagine that you are a little boy who identifies as a girl but then along comes puberty and short circuits everything by having the sex you identify with also be the sex you are attracted to. For in essence this is what happens to all all male to female gender dysphoric trans persons who are attracted to women.

So I ask myself: can I imagine a scenario where this inherent contradiction would not produce sexual confusion? The answer is that I cannot.

I am in the unique position, like many of you, to have experienced an early identification with the feminine become sexualized later on. This brought confusion…

understanding the erotic component

I have written about crossed wires before in two separate posts. The idea is that one cannot pass through puberty and the development of sexual feelings for females and not have your pre-existing gender dysphoria be impacted through your psychosexual development. The hormone responsible for your libido is testosterone which is present in much stronger concentration in males and is why gynephilics are most likely to experience erotic overtones as the conflict between romantic external feelings and their pull towards the feminine become permanently intertwined.

Because I came from a deeply religious family where sex was not discussed much at all, I grew up with little access to information and was very much ignorant of matters relating to the subject. With no firsthand experience in intercourse until I married I was then faced with the reality that my ability to perform sexually had been deeply impacted by my dysphoric feelings. This began years of turmoil and self-deprecating thoughts …

another coming out

Recently I had lunch with one of the young estimators who occasionally works with me here in Toronto. We were chatting about work and our respective lives when she queried about my love life:

“So how is it going on that front. Meet anyone interesting lately?”

I reflected for a moment and then said:

“My situation is a little particular and if you don’t mind I can share something about myself”

She leaned in a bit and told me to please go ahead.

“I am trans” I said matter of factly.

She looked at me and smiled and said:

“Really? That’s so neat”

She is 35 years old and a lovely person which is why I knew I could confide in her. I then added that I had been reflecting on whether I would switch companies and begin working as Joanna and although she is totally open she also knows how conservative our business can be. So I told her that if I did decide to it would definitely be under a different umbrella.

Then yesterday I was coming back to my place and the lady who rents it to me, who is abo…