Skip to main content

I'm getting used to these little thuds...

I don’t want to negate anything I said in the previous post with the exception of wanting to be a woman or aspiring to be a woman. That is a fallacy because I am a man and will always be one but I suffer from gender disphoria and that makes my brain think things that sometimes I shouldn’t.

Yes my mind wants me to go to certain places but it doesn’t mean it’s realistic or ultimately desireable.

Where I really want to get to that balance point where my gender variance is just a comfortable part of my expression and right now after decades of suppression I know I am overshooting. The headiness of days when I get to express my femme side makes me post things that are not or should not be in my sights as a target.

The reason I know this is true is because I fall back down to earth the next day and reality is there too.

Make no mistake in that I am still content with my management plan but because I am so buried inside my head these days I can become deluded and confused at times.

One step at a time I tell myself. Things will settle down.


  1. Every day has its ups and downs. That is the nature of life. There are benefits of order and there is a comfort when things add up or are easily explained but there are also benefits to keeping balls in motion.

  2. No pun intended right pat??

  3. But you are right this is the nature of life and I know I am on the right track now with who I am....


Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

another coming out

Recently I had lunch with one of the young estimators who occasionally works with me here in Toronto. We were chatting about work and our respective lives when she queried about my love life:

“So how is it going on that front. Meet anyone interesting lately?”

I reflected for a moment and then said:

“My situation is a little particular and if you don’t mind I can share something about myself”

She leaned in a bit and told me to please go ahead.

“I am trans” I said matter of factly.

She looked at me and smiled and said:

“Really? That’s so neat”

She is 35 years old and a lovely person which is why I knew I could confide in her. I then added that I had been reflecting on whether I would switch companies and begin working as Joanna and although she is totally open she also knows how conservative our business can be. So I told her that if I did decide to it would definitely be under a different umbrella.

Then yesterday I was coming back to my place and the lady who rents it to me, who is abo…

feeling sexy

Here are the results of a recent survey of genetic women:

“A new hairdo, walking in heels and a glowing tan are among the things that make a woman feel sexy. Freshly applied lipstick, newly-shaved legs and a little black dress also have a positive effect on the psyche”

Are you surprised? I’m not because it is exactly the same list that makes transgender women feel sexy.

For a long time the idea was pandered about that transsexualism was rooted exclusively in aberrant sexuality. But of course you cannot separate the sexuality from the individual because that forms part of their overall makeup and the fact that genetic and transsexual women overlap here surprises no one.

We should also add here that women aren't always thinking about sex and neither are transgender women.

Pre transition transsexuals would not readily admit they found these things sexy because they were afraid to be seen as perverted men in front of gatekeepers who understood nothing about their condition.

Today we kn…

Being transgender isn't exclusively a problem of aberrant sexuality

If being transgender were exclusively a problem of aberrant sexuality, then I would seem to be an exception to the rule.

To date I have lived my life like a choir boy and have had low libido throughout. I have yet to ever see a porn film and both my ex-wife and ex-girlfriend complained about my lack of sex drive. I also knew I was different from a very young age.

This is why the accusation that male to female transgender persons attracted to women are perverts doesn’t hold much water with me. I was mortified when I hit puberty and realized that my desire to be female had taken on sexual overtones and I ended up, like most of you, repeatedly throwing things in the bin as a repudiation. In fact, accepting that my sexuality has been permanently impacted was the hardest pill to swallow in my journey to become a fully realized transgender person.

That is why I say to those who are still concerned about what outsiders who haven’t lived your personal experience have to say about you should l…