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Let the treatment begin...

I know two things. One, I need to be challenged and two, I cannot do this any longer on my own.

I have done everything I can to try and understand myself but now I need to figure out whether I am in deep denial about my gender issues and how to find a need a concrete way forward.

Living like a hybrid is not really something I desire as a final solution but, if it must be that way, I will have at least explored all of the options at my disposal.

The hospital group setting will be composed of my peers and will be moderated by Helene who has many years of experience with the Montreal General Gender Clinic. Already in our last two meetings she has picked up on my roadblocks towards my finding peace with this issue.

I desperately want transition to be off the table but I cannot do that without doing the hard work required to look deep inside myself and understand what I must do to find rest.

I don’t understand why I cannot be happy labelling myself as transgender because I should be. Perhaps the nagging doubts will be eliminated in this last step.

One thing for sure is that I have done all of the reading and homework I can do on my own. Some of it has confused and derailed me but most of it has been a kind of saving grace.

Now it’s time to look deep inside myself and ignore everything else. What do you want Joanna? What will leave your mind at peace?

Interestingly Helene has told me that not all of her patients opt for transition and some of the ones that do choose to delay it due to family reasons. So it’s not a GRS clinic they are running. They want to help people find a resting point.

N knows that I need to do this because she thinks I am in denial. I don't know how to answer her.

All I know is that I am more than ever looking forward to starting with the group in the fall.


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