Skip to main content

Let's be kind...

I don’t want to start little brush fires with my blog postings. At least not intentionally.

I understand that the call to transition is not a choice and at a certain point in time you do something about it or you just go mental. Every person who I respect and have corresponded with about this topic has told me the very same thing: Do not transition unless you absolutely have to because it is not easy and it is not a choice.

Still, I often feel stuck in no man’s land.

I am not a weekend crossdresser who likes to go to gay bars and pretend to be a girl. There is something in me much deeper than that and it has forced me to take on a separate identity as a part time woman so that I can manage it.

Am I a transsexual in denial? I deeply, deeply hope that I am not.

As a quick side note, I was recently at a site of someone who thinks that crossdressing is sinful. This person, who was a self proclaimed fetish dresser, is also the Pastor of a church and he quotes Scripture at length on his site. I took issue with his webpage only because I did not want some young searching transgender to come upon it (like I might have done many years ago) and think they were a perverted sinner.

Because here I am at 50 years of age using crossdressing as my only lifeline to avoid transition. It is the only lifeline I have left and you better believe I will use it. I go grocery shopping and have coffee with other women and that makes me a sinner? I hardly think so.

There are all kinds of people in the world and all kinds of ideas about what the person next to him or her should do or not do.

I suppose the message of this post is that we should try and respect each other because gender variance is a very confusing topic. Each of us is confused about what we are at some point or another in our lives and the best message to hear when we are passing through trying times is to hear the words: “I feel for you and understand that this is not easy”.

We need to have empathy for each other.


  1. Joanna
    Sometimes it seems like you are rather rough on yourself. I do not think that I need to find a label for you other than Joanna. I do not think that you need to find a label or classification for yourself other than simply being you.

    In many situations you present as the guy you have presented as being for 50 years. In other situations you have the priviledge and ability to present as Joanna. Being passable, or blendable or merely acceptable as a guy in a dress is wonderful. It is a breath of fresh air. It is freedom and liberty. It gives you the ability to find some degree of balance. It gives you a lot to be thankful for.

  2. Pat, I know I can be hard on myself sometimes but I was referring more to how we treat each other as transsexual or transgender folk. We just need to appreciate each other an not quarrel. I do very much appreciate that I can finally be myself and if this is my final baseline I will be very happy!

  3. You were in dialogue with a fetishistic crossdresser, then you call for respect for a gender variance.

    Presupposing gender issues in addition to an individuals fetishism can be disrespectful. Even presupposing the innateness of gender issues, however "deep" they may appear.

  4. This fellow was making the blanket statement that ALL crossdressing is sinful. While I do have sympathy for him I have an issue if some poor disphoric kid ends up reading his preachy drivel and ingests it. He should have instead said that he found HIS own behavior sinful.

  5. Also not forgetting, that the vast majority of people who are unlucky to find themselves with often such a distressing fetish, are not dysphoric. Yet it is a fetish that has the conditions to encourage a dysphoric mindset, of which how the individual contextualizes the fetish, and for the time he lives with it is determinant. The moral here is to educate, not to assume nor impose the transsexual narrative, yet not to discourage even ultimately something like even transition as a way to address severe dysphoria.

  6. Fetishes are fine but they do not begin in prebubesence and good luck proving it. If you are content with the idea of a fetish defining what you do then I have no problem with it. For me this is tied to my identity and I know it as well as you know your own situation. We are clearly different and I understand most of you are not disphoric. My interest is in people with disphoria and not with fetishists. I have made that more than clear in this blog.

    1. Sexuality is present from the very early years of life, what comes with puberty, amongst other things is the conceptualization of sexuality. Myself, I have been in the lucky position to recognise a "sensation" that was connected to the experiences from as early as 4-6 years of age, which in puberty and the discovery of masturbation, recognised that the "sensation" was sexual arousal.

      You are compartmentalizing the reality of the relation between the fetishism and psychological construction. You know that any gender issues are a seldom and adjunct precondition of the fetishism. A genuinely serious matter remains to be fully acknowledged, being that the fetish becomes internalized.

  7. Actually, most fetishes are acquired pre-puberty.

  8. I don't buy that one. I was far too young and I would like to be pointed to some literature if you have it. There was absolutely no sexualisation to speak of at the age of 3 or 4 I am nothing like wkhlyup who perfectly happy with his standing as a non disphoric fetishist. I have no interest in those types of fantasies and never will so that's a dead end for me....sorry

    1. Sexualization is a well known reaction to post traumatic stress, most often documented in childhood abuse.

      Either you are or are not sexually aroused by the fantasies. Fantasies that both fetishists and dysphoric fetishists share. The only differences between the groups is that the dysphoric group prefers to account for their fetishism in adjunct terms, suiting their politics.

    2. I don't have feminization fantasies nor do I have any childhood trauma or abuse. You and I are different plain and simple.

  9. Who said anything about sexualization? Do your research if it really matters that much to your current reality

    1. It will actually have zero impact on my current reality however I just point out the distinction to underline that my behavior is not fetishistic per se. I don't go to fetish parties or dress up in leather suits. If going out shopping, church and coffee as joanna then I guess I don't understand the meaning of the term fetish. But again it does not matter in my day to day management of my life...

    2. You are being simplistic. The meaning of "fetish" here is simply sexual niche. Hopeless.

  10. Its not sexual niche its comfortable and it makes me happy....

    1. Joanna, I like this thought a lot. I agree with it a lot.

    2. If you are or have been sexually aroused by it than that is one thing, the psychological context of it in non-sexual terms is another thing. The non-sexual psychology is adjunct, and however serious, or how it may even justify something like transition in individuals, it will routinely be constituted as an internalization of the fetishism.

  11. I am sorry but that last statement sounds like gobbely gook to me. This is not about sexual arousal but about identity. If this were just about being aroused I would not be confused just as you are not since you ID as an AGP fetishist pure and simple. You offer the same thing every time.

  12. My identity is not an adjunct to fetishism. That makes no sense. In simpler terms you are saying that your fetish eventually is rationalized by you thinking you are a transsexual which does not correlate whatsoever with my experience. If it works for you then fine.

  13. It is essentially about sexual arousal by a particular fetish, and it's relation for you of the psychological context constituting "dysphoria".

    It is the case that "dysphoria"(let alone any "gender issues") is adjunct to the fetishism, whether as a precondition to sexualization, or an internalization of the fetish.

    "you are saying that your fetish eventually is rationalized by you thinking you are a transsexual"

    I am saying that typically for a fetishist, dysphoria is the internalization of the fetish. Where the fetishist would then falsely interpret the very internalized fetishism as being in their "nature" all along. The stupidity is typically the failure to recognise that however strong the fetishist's dysphoria, they have become that way.


Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

another coming out

Recently I had lunch with one of the young estimators who occasionally works with me here in Toronto. We were chatting about work and our respective lives when she queried about my love life:

“So how is it going on that front. Meet anyone interesting lately?”

I reflected for a moment and then said:

“My situation is a little particular and if you don’t mind I can share something about myself”

She leaned in a bit and told me to please go ahead.

“I am trans” I said matter of factly.

She looked at me and smiled and said:

“Really? That’s so neat”

She is 35 years old and a lovely person which is why I knew I could confide in her. I then added that I had been reflecting on whether I would switch companies and begin working as Joanna and although she is totally open she also knows how conservative our business can be. So I told her that if I did decide to it would definitely be under a different umbrella.

Then yesterday I was coming back to my place and the lady who rents it to me, who is abo…

feeling sexy

Here are the results of a recent survey of genetic women:

“A new hairdo, walking in heels and a glowing tan are among the things that make a woman feel sexy. Freshly applied lipstick, newly-shaved legs and a little black dress also have a positive effect on the psyche”

Are you surprised? I’m not because it is exactly the same list that makes transgender women feel sexy.

For a long time the idea was pandered about that transsexualism was rooted exclusively in aberrant sexuality. But of course you cannot separate the sexuality from the individual because that forms part of their overall makeup and the fact that genetic and transsexual women overlap here surprises no one.

We should also add here that women aren't always thinking about sex and neither are transgender women.

Pre transition transsexuals would not readily admit they found these things sexy because they were afraid to be seen as perverted men in front of gatekeepers who understood nothing about their condition.

Today we kn…

Being transgender isn't exclusively a problem of aberrant sexuality

If being transgender were exclusively a problem of aberrant sexuality, then I would seem to be an exception to the rule.

To date I have lived my life like a choir boy and have had low libido throughout. I have yet to ever see a porn film and both my ex-wife and ex-girlfriend complained about my lack of sex drive. I also knew I was different from a very young age.

This is why the accusation that male to female transgender persons attracted to women are perverts doesn’t hold much water with me. I was mortified when I hit puberty and realized that my desire to be female had taken on sexual overtones and I ended up, like most of you, repeatedly throwing things in the bin as a repudiation. In fact, accepting that my sexuality has been permanently impacted was the hardest pill to swallow in my journey to become a fully realized transgender person.

That is why I say to those who are still concerned about what outsiders who haven’t lived your personal experience have to say about you should l…