Skip to main content

my last line of defense?

I have been hoping that I am going to be just fine staying exactly as I am and just adjusting to the reality of life as a gender variant person. The state of flux of my life is coming from not being entirely at ease with the new arrangement and speaking to Helene the other day showed me that my vocabulary is still full of dos and donts.

So the session did reveal some cracks in the foundation.

I also told her that I fundamentally do not believe in the idea of changing sex. In other words, it was a non starter for me that I would ever succumb to a transition. Doing so would amount to a personal failure; failure to live up to my role as father, brother, son and male role model for my own son.

So even if that gender incongruity has always been with me, giving in to it would amount to a lack of resolve and strength on my part.

Helene picked up on my use of language and lauded me for living for so long with that misalignment. She also pointed out to the truth in that I cannot be a whole person until I come to reconcile the discomfort with my birth gender. Only then will I feel completely at peace.

This is why I must enter into therapy. I need to come to hit a solid floor that I can walk on.

I know others are happy with their weekend outings once a month but I seem not to be among them. I don’t understand why because many years ago the type of life I lead now would have had me thinking that this would be more than enough to feed my feminine side. But it appears that the more I succumb to it the more it wants and the more I feel I need to fight the temptation of caving in to it.

Eroticism had been the block I had been using to stop progress and I know it. Back when I fell for Blanchard’s theories it was a bit depressing to think of myself as a paraphilic but it at least helped to keep the lid on the idea of transition.

These days I will have an empowering outing as Joanna and then before removing my clothing I will masturbate to the idea of my being a full time woman and being happy. This will typically introduce just the right dosage of guilt to keep a lid on things and have me happy to go back to being male for a while. It was the same thing that kept me throwing out my clothes and holding my breath for months when I was younger.

But it’s starting not to work so well anymore.

I am worried that removing that last protective layer might have me contemplating something I deeply do not want to do.


  1. A painful truth: Nobody wants to "transition". You are now coming to understand the meaning of the term, "no choice".

    As always, you have my best wishes.

  2. As always your frankness is appreciated even if its not what I want to hear...

  3. Joanna -

    If the path leads you to transition, accept it. I've taken the same attitude, even though I have no plans to do so. In my dating, the women I meet know who I am and what the risks are. That's about all I can do to protect others.

    If I had children, I'd wait until they were college age before contemplating a transition - they have to be old enough to make up their own minds about having a relationship. But then, there are M2F transgendered people who still have healthy relationships with their wives - even after transitioning. So, as they say, your mileage may vary....


  4. Thank you for this Marian I really needed to read that tonight!...I am going to be ok with the idea of putting things off as long as possible and just be happy in my own skin. I will see where the road takes me in the meantime......Jo


Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

another coming out

Recently I had lunch with one of the young estimators who occasionally works with me here in Toronto. We were chatting about work and our respective lives when she queried about my love life:

“So how is it going on that front. Meet anyone interesting lately?”

I reflected for a moment and then said:

“My situation is a little particular and if you don’t mind I can share something about myself”

She leaned in a bit and told me to please go ahead.

“I am trans” I said matter of factly.

She looked at me and smiled and said:

“Really? That’s so neat”

She is 35 years old and a lovely person which is why I knew I could confide in her. I then added that I had been reflecting on whether I would switch companies and begin working as Joanna and although she is totally open she also knows how conservative our business can be. So I told her that if I did decide to it would definitely be under a different umbrella.

Then yesterday I was coming back to my place and the lady who rents it to me, who is abo…

feeling sexy

Here are the results of a recent survey of genetic women:

“A new hairdo, walking in heels and a glowing tan are among the things that make a woman feel sexy. Freshly applied lipstick, newly-shaved legs and a little black dress also have a positive effect on the psyche”

Are you surprised? I’m not because it is exactly the same list that makes transgender women feel sexy.

For a long time the idea was pandered about that transsexualism was rooted exclusively in aberrant sexuality. But of course you cannot separate the sexuality from the individual because that forms part of their overall makeup and the fact that genetic and transsexual women overlap here surprises no one.

We should also add here that women aren't always thinking about sex and neither are transgender women.

Pre transition transsexuals would not readily admit they found these things sexy because they were afraid to be seen as perverted men in front of gatekeepers who understood nothing about their condition.

Today we kn…

the risks of downplaying dysphoria

Kati’s comment on my post called “Doubting you are trans” got me thinking about the validity of our feelings and the importance of not downplaying them.

Make no mistake: gender dysphoria is real and you are not delusional and by trying to downplay our emotional need to express ourselves we are making a mistake.

At the same time, I am very realistic about what I am doing to treat my dysphoria and understand that I was not born physically female. However, the idea that gender identity is established exclusively through birth genitalia has been pretty convincingly debunked which means that gender and its expression should be left up to the individual and not to society. But unfortunately, we live in a world where disobeying the rules leads to suffering through persecution.

Transition is one way to treat your “gender expression deprivation anxiety” (thank you Anne Vitale for that wonderful term) but it is not the sole method. However, denying that the feelings are real is a recipe for dep…