Skip to main content

practical steps

I only have one thing left to do now and that is to allow time for prayer and reflection in order to sort through my thoughts. I know I am still looking at a few years until I settle on a definite game plan but in the meantime I will do some practical things.

 For one I want to completely clear my face of all hair. After 6 excruciating laser treatments its already quite sparse but I still require some foundation to cover what's currently left. This is a must if I ever want to really live full time regardless of whether I opt for HRT or not. It hurts like the devil so I have decided to proceed in mini sessions. This month I will further clear my chin which is the area most in need of attention and has the thickest growth compared to other areas.

 I will also continue to experience as much real life as a woman as I possibly can by trying longer and longer periods as Joanna. This year will see my first entire week spent entirely as a woman. This will be another important test for my feelings and challenge my resolve.

For the record, I have no preconceived notions as to how I should feel and will be satisfied to learn that maybe staying as I am is the best option. Conversely I will not deny a strong pull in the opposite direction if it happens. After this will be my first time ever dealing with my gender issues with all blinders off. In the meantime my kids will be either have completed high school (in the case of my daughter) or close to completing (in the case of my son). I will be sensitizing them slowly over time even as they are already quite aware of my issue. The difference of course is that they haven't yet seen it up close and personal.

I will also be speaking confidentially to HR people in my field to inquire about their trans policies even if I really know the answer. My own company has given me the green light but I am not sure I could transition there.

These are all practical steps which need not lock me in to any scenario. It's been beyond illuminating getting here and sometimes I shake my head in disbelief. I am interacting with other women as the woman I aspire to be and have always felt deep down that I was. I think that this is why I have taken to everything so well once I removed my self imposed road blocks.

 I continue to gain new contacts and friends who only know me as Joanna and that success spurs me on to more. I have become at least in spirit the kind of woman I've always wanted to be. However I cannot overemphasize the need for baby steps. I need to eat the elephant one bite at a time.

This is another reason I don't want to enter the hospital program since it has set milestones and a fixed timeline. Other people's schedules don't interest me especially since my ultimate goal is not GRS but instead stability and peace at a plateau that works for me.

Joanna will make her own decisions


Popular posts from this blog

"Oh please its 2016!"

I have mentioned before that I have a lovely young couple living above the unit next to mine. Well the other day as I was getting in the door, she and I overlapped for the first time with me dressed as a woman.

We had a nice conversation and at some point I mentioned the obvious which was that I had told her future husband that they might see me in a different guise from time to time so they wouldn't wonder about who the strange woman was. She just looked at me almost rolling her eyes while smiling from ear to ear and said:

"Oh Please it's 2016!"

For the record she was also very complementary regarding my choice of attire.

I could care less at this point in my life what people think but it is still lovely to see the millennial generation's freedom of spirit and acceptance so lacking in previous generations. Yes they have their own foibles, as does every generation, but this area certainly isn't one of them.

the pseudoscience behind gender dysphoria

The real science as to what causes gender dysphoria still awaits.

Harry Benjamin was on to something except he didn’t have the scientific evidence to back up his suspicions hence, like a true scientist, he negated to draw conclusions. His hunch, based on treating so many patients over his lifetime, was that one is born with a predisposition to be gender dysphoric.

However, with inconclusive brain scans and no DNA marker (as of yet) we are left with believing the word of people who need help and only want to lead happy and productive lives.

The best we have been able to muster since Benjamin's death in 1986 was to amass statistics on who gets a boner imagining themselves as a woman which is in equal parts pathetic and disappointing. For this is not really science at all but is instead playing with interview data that doesn't point to anything definitive or conclusive. I have dealt with this problem at great length in my blog.

The whole thing started with Kurt Freund's obses…

looking past cross gender arousal

Jack’s latest Crossdreamers post got me thinking about cross gender arousal and how it could be avoided; also whether it even matters. This with particular focus on the inability to relate of someone on the outside looking in.

You see, sexuality is a very complicated thing to begin with and when you then add gender identity ambiguity it becomes a recipe to really confuse someone.

So imagine that you are a little boy who identifies as a girl but then along comes puberty and short circuits everything by having the sex you identify with also be the sex you are attracted to. For in essence this is what happens to all all male to female gender dysphoric trans persons who are attracted to women.

So I ask myself: can I imagine a scenario where this inherent contradiction would not produce sexual confusion? The answer is that I cannot.

I am in the unique position, like many of you, to have experienced an early identification with the feminine become sexualized later on. This brought confusion…