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practical steps

I only have one thing left to do now and that is to allow time for prayer and reflection in order to sort through my thoughts. I know I am still looking at a few years until I settle on a definite game plan but in the meantime I will do some practical things.

 For one I want to completely clear my face of all hair. After 6 excruciating laser treatments its already quite sparse but I still require some foundation to cover what's currently left. This is a must if I ever want to really live full time regardless of whether I opt for HRT or not. It hurts like the devil so I have decided to proceed in mini sessions. This month I will further clear my chin which is the area most in need of attention and has the thickest growth compared to other areas.

 I will also continue to experience as much real life as a woman as I possibly can by trying longer and longer periods as Joanna. This year will see my first entire week spent entirely as a woman. This will be another important test for my feelings and challenge my resolve.

For the record, I have no preconceived notions as to how I should feel and will be satisfied to learn that maybe staying as I am is the best option. Conversely I will not deny a strong pull in the opposite direction if it happens. After this will be my first time ever dealing with my gender issues with all blinders off. In the meantime my kids will be either have completed high school (in the case of my daughter) or close to completing (in the case of my son). I will be sensitizing them slowly over time even as they are already quite aware of my issue. The difference of course is that they haven't yet seen it up close and personal.

I will also be speaking confidentially to HR people in my field to inquire about their trans policies even if I really know the answer. My own company has given me the green light but I am not sure I could transition there.

These are all practical steps which need not lock me in to any scenario. It's been beyond illuminating getting here and sometimes I shake my head in disbelief. I am interacting with other women as the woman I aspire to be and have always felt deep down that I was. I think that this is why I have taken to everything so well once I removed my self imposed road blocks.

 I continue to gain new contacts and friends who only know me as Joanna and that success spurs me on to more. I have become at least in spirit the kind of woman I've always wanted to be. However I cannot overemphasize the need for baby steps. I need to eat the elephant one bite at a time.

This is another reason I don't want to enter the hospital program since it has set milestones and a fixed timeline. Other people's schedules don't interest me especially since my ultimate goal is not GRS but instead stability and peace at a plateau that works for me.

Joanna will make her own decisions


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