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rock and a hard place once again

Well I've waded into interesting waters once again.

I met N for coffee and after not having seen her since last January she was a sight for sore eyes. We spoke at length about where each of us was in our respective lives and the conversation flowed well.

At one point it was my turn to bare my soul about where I was with my gender issues and before I knew it I started to cry. I had been telling her that I was in a really good place these days and here I was bawling my eyes out in a cafe.

Back in January I had bought her flowers expecting some sort of reconciliation. When things didn't go the way I expected, I closed the door on her before she could close it on me. This time it was different and we spent almost three hours catching up; at the end of which a door seemed to be opening.

But of course there's a catch.

N is tolerant of my dressing but never wants to see it or participate. The question of indulging versus management even came up. If I am caving in to my desire to dress, what percentage is true need versus over indulgence.

There's the rub.

Living alone has allowed me to find a freedom to dress and manage my disphoria to my liking but in order to return to a relationship with N I would need to curb it. The problem is that I have attained a level of comfort with my cross gender expression that I like. So once again I am forced to choose and truth be told I am not sure to what extent I can now return to suppression.

So I ask myself this simple question: Have I passed a point of no return? Also to what extent should I even suppress in order to meet someone's idea of what a man is even if that expectation is entirely reasonable? Not an easy question but par for the course for my somewhat complicated life.

I'll have some reflecting to do over the coming days and weeks to be sure.

Comments

  1. How about, " this simple question"?

    Are you a man, or not?

    ReplyDelete
  2. I don't know. Technically and chromosonally maybe. I desperately want to try and be one. More thinking to come...

    ReplyDelete
  3. If I stay on my own I don't need to even answer that question and I can stay some sort of hybrid. What difference does it make anyway as long as I can live a semblance of a normal life....

    ReplyDelete
  4. It just seems like a prerequisite to your other, much more convoluted questions and a pretty fundamental question.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I am never going to be a woman. I have something that makes me think I want to be one. So really for me its always about how to manage this desire. If I give in to it I feel like I will have failed. So that question cannot be answered as you have asked it..

    ReplyDelete
  6. Sometimes if you do not know the answer to a question the proper response is "I just do not know". You do not have to be the AG or head of the IRS being asked questions by a Congressional committee to simply say "I don't know".
    You are a person and a loving caring person at that. You are also an engineer and a significant component of being an engineer is to work on an issue until a solution is found. Engineering out problems is a little different when dealing with human nature. Things is life tend to be in a state of flux. Engineering works when conditions remain static.
    Pat

    ReplyDelete
  7. You are right in that I do not know the answer but I have accepted myself for being trans and that will have to do. Whatever trans means in the end. Thanks to both of you...

    ReplyDelete
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