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the future...

N and I met on Friday afternoon for drinks. We met up at a lovely bistro with a terrace in the back which was shaded by mature trees. A trendy new place that has only recently opened in my area.

The conversation flowed well and we were able to skirt our main issues for a little while but then we eventually got the crux of the matter.

N says she left me because of my verbal abuse. She perceives my outbursts like that but in truth I don't quite see it in the same manner. Still she has made her point and I take what she says very seriously.

For me this is not the main issue. My GID has put me in a situation where I fear being with her due to my dressing frequency being potentially intolerable for her. I will probably also feel constrained by having to hide from her.

Alone no such issue exists.

I am also concerned that in 6 months, a year or in three I will need to transition because my current management is no longer effective. I know you can't live your life for the future but she is asking for certainty that I will never transition and I cannot promise that.

Even if my desire and willpower are there, I may find myself in the future buckling under the pressure. For me it's like promising I'll never be struck by a bus. I simply do not know the answer and I desperately do not want to hurt her. So even if we have feelings for each other we cannot go further at this point.

I know that group therapy will not be a cure all pill that resolves everything in short order. It is a tool amongst others and it should help. Taking estrogen or anti androgens may help my GID but by ingesting them I am only worsening things for N and I.

I am also scared that my body will like the female hormones and start me on a journey that I may not be prepared for.

Truth be told, I should not even entertain anything other than a friendship at this stage. There are days when I am certain I will go full time and others when I feel I can stay this way for good. That waivering is best experienced alone.

I also need to focus on my kids and the critical high school years. My son's anxiety is responding well to treatment but I cannot let my vigilance subside. My daughter also needs guidance and tutoring in math next year.

So it is an interesting situation that I will handle, as always, one day at a time.

After our date, I hugged her as I tried not to show how conflicted I was. I drove away slowly and cried all the way home.


  1. Joanna -

    If, in the future, you end up "craving transition" (for lack of better words) because of things you learn about yourself over time in therapy, don't worry about it now. You can't promise you won't transition, but you can say it's not your desire now. Be honest about your current wants and desires, warn about the potential risks, then let the chips fall where they may. You can't predict the future, nor can you control the actions of others.


  2. I need to be honest Marian you are right and if there is the slightest doubt in her mind she will not stay. I did tell her that I am a high risk because not transitioning is far from certain....


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