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therapy and the future...

I met N again last week because I think she wants to still explore what chances we have together. She knows I am starting with the group in September and need to close all questions regarding transition. I told her I need to do this and she agrees wholeheartedly as she will not stay with me if I become a woman.

I don't blame her one bit.

So in essence we are in a form of suspended animation.

I desperately want to close the door to transitioning but I don't want it sneaking up on me in three years and have it destroy any relationship we may build over that time in spectacular fashion once again. And as my taboos regarding transitioning continue to fall by the wayside, there can be no better time to find out who I am than now.

Am I the woman I sometimes suspect I am or a transgendered male who can treat his GID through cross gender expression? There are days where I waiver back and forth and until that issue is resolved I cannot move forward with calm certainty.

The group will not tell me what to do but will provide the venue for my thought process with the advantage of live feedback and challenges from my disphoric peers.

Tomorrow evening I have another laser appointment to further clear my chin of hair and in spite of the discomfort involved I am looking forward to it.

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