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perhaps a way forward..

I am fairly certain that the best approach is to view or, perhaps more appropriately, trick myself into thinking I am both a man and a woman. If I can have that fluidity present where, in the absence of guilt, I can move freely between gender presentations, then I can make a go of it without any form of physical transition.

N and I exchanged a series of emails today over these questions. We still love each other and want to make a go of it as a couple.

What had scared me in the beginning was that, upon seeing me dressed a few times, she started to express that it was beginning to affect the way she saw me as a male. That confirmation made me recoil into hiding mode where I would avoid contact with her as I was entering or leaving the house as Joanna. I began to feel scared and perhaps a little bit rejected.

I misunderstood her because she reiterated today that I should not underestimate what she is capable of. I take her at her word that she means it.

I know that over the last year I have worked the hardest at overcoming my own self rejection and moved from self-identifying as an AGP paraphilic to a new and better understanding as a borderline transsexual. This discovery has removed much culpability from my shoulders and allowed me to breathe as I have never done before.

You cannot accept the love of another if you do not love yourself. I was not able to fulfill that basic and fundamental Commandment until I had made my voyage of self discovery.

I also explained to N that if we are to have a healthy relationship where transition is even further off the radar, Joanna needs to have her own friends. People like Leticia and Sabrina who feed me as a person and take my cross-gender expression onto a stage of more fruitful human interaction, need to continue to be part of my life. I can no longer be a solitary mall walker and since the bar scene is not my thing, the worst thing she’ll need to worry about is my having a coffee after Sunday Mass with one of these aforementioned ladies.

In return for her confidence and trust, I can be a better and faithful partner to her, knowing that we are each able to enter into a union as the people we truly are inside.

With a higher degree of comfort and N’s support for my GID management plan I should be able to reduce my level of stress and become a kinder and more supportive partner to her.

Let’s see if we can make this work.

Comments

  1. Joanna -

    A positive start.... You've recognized that you need to express your female self, yet be there for N as she needs you....

    Good luck....

    M

    ReplyDelete

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