Skip to main content

perhaps a way forward..

I am fairly certain that the best approach is to view or, perhaps more appropriately, trick myself into thinking I am both a man and a woman. If I can have that fluidity present where, in the absence of guilt, I can move freely between gender presentations, then I can make a go of it without any form of physical transition.

N and I exchanged a series of emails today over these questions. We still love each other and want to make a go of it as a couple.

What had scared me in the beginning was that, upon seeing me dressed a few times, she started to express that it was beginning to affect the way she saw me as a male. That confirmation made me recoil into hiding mode where I would avoid contact with her as I was entering or leaving the house as Joanna. I began to feel scared and perhaps a little bit rejected.

I misunderstood her because she reiterated today that I should not underestimate what she is capable of. I take her at her word that she means it.

I know that over the last year I have worked the hardest at overcoming my own self rejection and moved from self-identifying as an AGP paraphilic to a new and better understanding as a borderline transsexual. This discovery has removed much culpability from my shoulders and allowed me to breathe as I have never done before.

You cannot accept the love of another if you do not love yourself. I was not able to fulfill that basic and fundamental Commandment until I had made my voyage of self discovery.

I also explained to N that if we are to have a healthy relationship where transition is even further off the radar, Joanna needs to have her own friends. People like Leticia and Sabrina who feed me as a person and take my cross-gender expression onto a stage of more fruitful human interaction, need to continue to be part of my life. I can no longer be a solitary mall walker and since the bar scene is not my thing, the worst thing she’ll need to worry about is my having a coffee after Sunday Mass with one of these aforementioned ladies.

In return for her confidence and trust, I can be a better and faithful partner to her, knowing that we are each able to enter into a union as the people we truly are inside.

With a higher degree of comfort and N’s support for my GID management plan I should be able to reduce my level of stress and become a kinder and more supportive partner to her.

Let’s see if we can make this work.


  1. Joanna -

    A positive start.... You've recognized that you need to express your female self, yet be there for N as she needs you....

    Good luck....



Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

another coming out

Recently I had lunch with one of the young estimators who occasionally works with me here in Toronto. We were chatting about work and our respective lives when she queried about my love life:

“So how is it going on that front. Meet anyone interesting lately?”

I reflected for a moment and then said:

“My situation is a little particular and if you don’t mind I can share something about myself”

She leaned in a bit and told me to please go ahead.

“I am trans” I said matter of factly.

She looked at me and smiled and said:

“Really? That’s so neat”

She is 35 years old and a lovely person which is why I knew I could confide in her. I then added that I had been reflecting on whether I would switch companies and begin working as Joanna and although she is totally open she also knows how conservative our business can be. So I told her that if I did decide to it would definitely be under a different umbrella.

Then yesterday I was coming back to my place and the lady who rents it to me, who is abo…

feeling sexy

Here are the results of a recent survey of genetic women:

“A new hairdo, walking in heels and a glowing tan are among the things that make a woman feel sexy. Freshly applied lipstick, newly-shaved legs and a little black dress also have a positive effect on the psyche”

Are you surprised? I’m not because it is exactly the same list that makes transgender women feel sexy.

For a long time the idea was pandered about that transsexualism was rooted exclusively in aberrant sexuality. But of course you cannot separate the sexuality from the individual because that forms part of their overall makeup and the fact that genetic and transsexual women overlap here surprises no one.

We should also add here that women aren't always thinking about sex and neither are transgender women.

Pre transition transsexuals would not readily admit they found these things sexy because they were afraid to be seen as perverted men in front of gatekeepers who understood nothing about their condition.

Today we kn…

Being transgender isn't exclusively a problem of aberrant sexuality

If being transgender were exclusively a problem of aberrant sexuality, then I would seem to be an exception to the rule.

To date I have lived my life like a choir boy and have had low libido throughout. I have yet to ever see a porn film and both my ex-wife and ex-girlfriend complained about my lack of sex drive. I also knew I was different from a very young age.

This is why the accusation that male to female transgender persons attracted to women are perverts doesn’t hold much water with me. I was mortified when I hit puberty and realized that my desire to be female had taken on sexual overtones and I ended up, like most of you, repeatedly throwing things in the bin as a repudiation. In fact, accepting that my sexuality has been permanently impacted was the hardest pill to swallow in my journey to become a fully realized transgender person.

That is why I say to those who are still concerned about what outsiders who haven’t lived your personal experience have to say about you should l…