Skip to main content

thoughts on a Friday morning....

I hope this blog does not appear to be only about navel gazing, because if it does I certainly don't mean it to be.

I started it as therapy and the only reason I made it public was because I wanted to get feedback from those who might be in the same situation as well as helping others by sharing my own struggle with gender disphoria. This blog would not exist in the absence of my gender issues.

Without trying to be critical, I have noticed that some in the trans community write blogs which chronicle their life as it happens. They talk about the people they meet, the parties they attend and the clothes they have purchased.

I wanted this blog to be a little more existential and get more into the meat of where this brain disconnect between physical and perceived gender comes and how to grapple with it.

On another note, I have noticed that as my disphoria ebbs and flows, I am sowing seeds of doubt whether I can be with N or with anyone else for that matter. After all, why would I expose anyone to the risk of a transition? No matter how vehemently I insist now that it won't ever happen, can I be sure I will feel the same in 2 years or in 5?

She wants and deserves a guarantee but how can I do that when this condition is so treacherous and ever changing? We talked about this subject last night as we walked her dog. I was showcasing my best and most convincing arguments but somewhere deep down there is a seed of doubt.

She is very right not to want to kiss me or even hold my hand. She is scared and I was reflecting this morning whether we shouldn't just stay friends and I can be left to my own devices with the knowledge that I will have spared another person from the risk of my gender highwire routine.

I am so desperately scared to be a transsexual, that I do not want to even entertain the possibility. That may be denial and Helene's group will hopefully challenge me in that area and help me to achieve a higher level of certainty about never transitioning.

Changing direction yet again, I had my first session yesterday for my anger/verbal abuse counselling. Sheila seems nice enough a person and I filled the hour with my thoughts and my history as there was much to tell. My next appointment is July 30th and she has told me that there is hope that she can help me develop techniques that will help me communicate more effectively during periods of conflict and thereby reduce the risk that I will not verbally hit below the belt.

Whether N and I can make a life together as a couple or not, I will carry through with this counselling and see what it does for me.


  1. Take things slow and one day at a time. As I sit here I am not sure what I will be doing this afternoon, let along long into the future like tomorrow.
    I think that you are proceeding in a fair and reasonable fashion. I know that there is a need to know what the future will hold but no one is ever able to be sure what lies ahead.

  2. This comment has been removed by the author.

  3. I am wondering about that real you that you have been all your life. Yes, you have been a highly conflicted man with some definite issues, but you have been pretty successful at that.

    After all, you do have a couple of beautiful kids, a good career, and the potential for a lasting relationship with an extremely rare woman. Perhaps you might consider consecrating on the strong points of your male you.

    Maybe spend a little less time 'navel gazing', or being obsessively/compulsively fixated on your GID, (OCD), and look for ways to enjoy being a man.

  4. I will take that under advisement....

  5. I think simplistic advice is not going to cut it here AQV but thanks...

  6. "Simplistic"? Interesting reaction. Sometimes the simplest alternative might be the best. It just seems to me that if you have a life as a man, why not find ways to enjoy that. I understand that you have these feelings, but do you not have positive feelings about your "male self"?

  7. Of course I have positive feelings about my male self..that is why you are conflicted. Telling me to "man up" may be a good sound bite but it does not really help me that much. Thanks anyway...

  8. Hmmm.... Did I tell you to "man up"? Or did I not comment to another reader that you were attempting to do just that, and that I found it unwise for them to advise you otherwise.

  9. Well the latter but I wasn't trying to man up. I was just trying to do the right thing including for myself....

  10. " the right thing including for my self" --J--

    Hmmm....Is that not what you were trying to do when you were 12? 18? 29? 39? 49? How did that work out?

    " the right thing" according to whom? Your parents? Your Church? Your understanding of the social norms and mores? Again, how did that work out?

    Somewhere along the line, YOU have to make the call and pray to God you make the right one because the consequences and rewards are all yours....and potentially your loved ones as well. Doing nothing, "one day at a time" is not always the best option.

  11. I think the best advice is to go to Helene's group therapy. You'll get much better advice than anyone here can give you. We're just a bunch of amateurs trying to give advice based on our personal experiences. Helene is a pro who will cut through the bull shit. But for now follow what your heart tells you (I'm sure it'll give you better advice than any of us can :-) )

  12. My defenses that I had at 18 and 30 are now gone. My testosterone is depleted and my psychological barriers are gone. It is different now.

    I will go to Helene's group and see what I can gain from that experience. If it does nothing for me I will simply stop and continue to manage one day at a time as I do now....

  13. This comment has been removed by the author.

  14. Joanna -

    Some advice:

    First - You can't guarantee anything but honesty.
    Second - Talk about the incidents in your life. The comments you receive from others will be a great education.
    Third - Don't deny the possibility that you are a full blown transsexual, someone who may need to go through a full transition.
    Fourth - Go to therapy! Like me (from what you've said here) you've had to deal with anger issues. Therapy has helped me a great deal. And a good therapist can help with the anger. Another good therapist can help with the transgender issues. But don't expect that the therapist who helps you with one area of your life can help with the other.
    Lastly - stop beating yourself up. You need help, and people are there to help you. Avail yourself of that help, and vent your feelings here. You'll be surprised at how much help your readers can give you....



Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

another coming out

Recently I had lunch with one of the young estimators who occasionally works with me here in Toronto. We were chatting about work and our respective lives when she queried about my love life:

“So how is it going on that front. Meet anyone interesting lately?”

I reflected for a moment and then said:

“My situation is a little particular and if you don’t mind I can share something about myself”

She leaned in a bit and told me to please go ahead.

“I am trans” I said matter of factly.

She looked at me and smiled and said:

“Really? That’s so neat”

She is 35 years old and a lovely person which is why I knew I could confide in her. I then added that I had been reflecting on whether I would switch companies and begin working as Joanna and although she is totally open she also knows how conservative our business can be. So I told her that if I did decide to it would definitely be under a different umbrella.

Then yesterday I was coming back to my place and the lady who rents it to me, who is abo…

feeling sexy

Here are the results of a recent survey of genetic women:

“A new hairdo, walking in heels and a glowing tan are among the things that make a woman feel sexy. Freshly applied lipstick, newly-shaved legs and a little black dress also have a positive effect on the psyche”

Are you surprised? I’m not because it is exactly the same list that makes transgender women feel sexy.

For a long time the idea was pandered about that transsexualism was rooted exclusively in aberrant sexuality. But of course you cannot separate the sexuality from the individual because that forms part of their overall makeup and the fact that genetic and transsexual women overlap here surprises no one.

We should also add here that women aren't always thinking about sex and neither are transgender women.

Pre transition transsexuals would not readily admit they found these things sexy because they were afraid to be seen as perverted men in front of gatekeepers who understood nothing about their condition.

Today we kn…

the risks of downplaying dysphoria

Kati’s comment on my post called “Doubting you are trans” got me thinking about the validity of our feelings and the importance of not downplaying them.

Make no mistake: gender dysphoria is real and you are not delusional and by trying to downplay our emotional need to express ourselves we are making a mistake.

At the same time, I am very realistic about what I am doing to treat my dysphoria and understand that I was not born physically female. However, the idea that gender identity is established exclusively through birth genitalia has been pretty convincingly debunked which means that gender and its expression should be left up to the individual and not to society. But unfortunately, we live in a world where disobeying the rules leads to suffering through persecution.

Transition is one way to treat your “gender expression deprivation anxiety” (thank you Anne Vitale for that wonderful term) but it is not the sole method. However, denying that the feelings are real is a recipe for dep…