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what's next?....life I suppose...

Understanding oneself can take half a lifetime. It certainly has been the case for me.

I remember as a very young child putting on my mother’s heels and playing with my sisters and then very swiftly having the carpet pulled out from under me by my well meaning mother trying to avoid the catastrophe of her son being different.

From there it went underground and the privacy of my room. When no one was home the first thing I did was go into my mother’s closet.

It would have been helpful of course to understand where these emotions and the drive to the feminine were coming from but I would never find any true answers. I was able to piece fragments together but my research did not really begin in earnest until my mid forties. I delayed it all due to my total denial about my condition.

I believed I was a flawed and perverted person and was easily led to fall prey to the ideas of Anne Lawrence, Ray Blanchard and Michael Bailey. For a time, it seemed to fit my behavior until I started reading more about non disphoric fetishists and realized that their experiences and mine were completely different. Once that avenue was closed, I was able to find my answer in the work of Harry Benjamin, whose work I appreciate more and more upon re reading.

Does it bother me that I might be a borderline transsexual? No in fact I am actually bolstered by merely being able to identify what I have as a condition and not as a character flaw. Because of the way I was raised and the discipline I was able to exert in every other area of my life, I never understood why this one appeared to be immune from my efforts at eradication.

Merely understanding this has been a breath of fresh air.

The next challenge is to try and figure out if a person like me can love a woman and have her love me back just as I am. I think N and I might be close to getting there and because I have removed so much guilt and stress from my life I believe I may be able to love her as she deserves to be loved.

We are taking things very slowly and as we walked and talked last evening we are simply enjoying each other’s company.

On another note, my son's anxiety is slowly taking a turn for the better and I am very bolstered by this. We were at the hospital the other day and he spoke very eloquently to the doctors evaluating him. I am very proud of him...

Comments

  1. "...I remember as a very young child putting on my mother’s heels and playing with my sisters....When no one was home the first thing I did was go into my mother’s closet...."

    Just as I point of clarification, I would like to drill a bit deeper into this apparent "drive/desire/need(?)", to get into your mom's closet to play with her things. If this is too personal or make's you uncomfortable, then just say so and I will understand that this venue, an open public blog, is not the appropriate venue for such a deeply personal question.

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  2. No no but I don't know why. It always came naturally to me from the start. No answer for you other than that. It was too long ago....

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  3. The same drive perhaps which is there today and makes me so happy...

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  4. It seems to me that if your brain is female you will naturally gravitate to feminine things. It seems natural.

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  5. The reason why our brain is like this is not understood by science Lindsay. I look at my condition as something having gone slightly wrong at conception. Since fetuses start off as females and only become male later it might not take much to disrupt the proper cocktail of chemicals. It you add social factors that may also affect us then you end up with a trans person.

    I suppose I see myself as a person who has a male brain with some female thrown in for good measure. This is why I feel that transtion would be a mistake.

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  6. I think that many of us go through stages and phases seeking a definition of what we are and why we like the things that we like to do.
    I am happy that you seem to be reaching a state of balance.
    Pat

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  7. No one is happier about this than I am Pat....thanks!

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