Firstly, I feel really good. I am finally attaining a comfort level in accepting that I have disphoria and that I am tending to it through crossdressing. Having tried the alternative approach, this is now the only way to go.
Secondly I know in my gut and in my heart that there is no cure for what I have. Admittedly I am now past the point of wanting that elusive remedy that I so genuinely desired. But having tasted what it feels like to really be myself, I now realize I had been trying to amputate a part of my identity as a person and for no other reason that it does not fit in well with societal expectation.
I had my first clue of this five years ago at the hospital gender clinic when I earnestly went in demanding a cure and they offered me instead what they had offered countless other patients; namely self acceptance.
Why don't I believe I was a crossdresser then? Simple: a crossdresser practices and hones his craft. He embraces who he is and builds up a wardrobe. He is typically comfortable with his sexuality and is able to have normal relations with his wife. He is clearly able to separate his hobby from his real life as a male. He also does not need to imagine himself as a female to attain orgasm.
My sporadic dressing was then my feeble attempt at dealing with that embedded idea that I should be a female. But back in the early days, with so little information out there, I self identified as a crossdresser. I knew nothing about the concept of gender disphoria and mine ebbed and flowed just enough to allow me to suppress my feelings while of course dampening my soul and personality in unison.
As I started to delve more and more into the literature I began to see the difference between disphorics and non disphorics. For example, the typical crossdresser would begin at or after puberty and would establish a highly sexualized female image of himself. This was his kink or his turn on if you will.
Once I read the studies which showed that even full blown transsexuals experienced pre transition eroticism, was I then able to fully understand that the mere presence of some orgasms was not disqualifying these people from transitioning.
Am I the practical equivalent of a crossdresser today? yes I am. But instead of being a past time,it is the only recourse left to me and in establishing a female identity that allows me to curb my disphoria, I can try t maintain a level of normalcy.