Skip to main content

allow me to explain...

I suppose I should clarify a few things about where I am in my thinking these days on crossdressing and disphoria because it came up in the comments of my last blog entry.

Firstly, I feel really good. I am finally attaining a comfort level in accepting that I have disphoria and that I am tending to it through crossdressing. Having tried the alternative approach, this is now the only way to go.

Secondly I know in my gut and in my heart that there is no cure for what I have. Admittedly I am now past the point of wanting that elusive remedy that I so genuinely desired. But having tasted what it feels like to really be myself, I now realize I had been trying to amputate a part of my identity as a person and for no other reason that it does not fit in well with societal expectation.

I had my first clue of this five years ago at the hospital gender clinic when I earnestly went in demanding a cure and they offered me instead what they had offered countless other patients; namely self acceptance.

Why don't I believe I was a crossdresser then? Simple: a crossdresser practices and hones his craft. He embraces who he is and builds up a wardrobe. He is typically comfortable with his sexuality and is able to have normal relations with his wife. He is clearly able to separate his hobby from his real life as a male. He also does not need to imagine himself as a female to attain orgasm.

My sporadic dressing was then my feeble attempt at dealing with that embedded idea that I should be a female. But back in the early days, with so little information out there, I self identified as a crossdresser. I knew nothing about the concept of gender disphoria and mine ebbed and flowed just enough to allow me to suppress my feelings while of course dampening my soul and personality in unison.

As I started to delve more and more into the literature I began to see the difference between disphorics and non disphorics. For example, the typical crossdresser would begin at or after puberty and would establish a highly sexualized female image of himself. This was his kink or his turn on if you will.

Once I read the studies which showed that even full blown transsexuals experienced pre transition eroticism, was I then able to fully understand that the mere presence of some orgasms was not disqualifying these people from transitioning.

Am I the practical equivalent of a crossdresser today? yes I am. But instead of being a past time,it is the only recourse left to me and in establishing a female identity that allows me to curb my disphoria, I can try t maintain a level of normalcy.

Comments

  1. Sounds like a plan. If it works, don't 'fix' it.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I like the concept of you being the 'practical equivalent of a crossdresser'. I think that is close to being me although I never really thought of my own gender issues as being more that a CD. Dressing and getting out and about relieves tension. It is like scratching an itch. Scratching makes the itch feel better for a while. Another parallel may be the feeling of relief from coming. It feels wonderful and, depending on your age and your recovery time it relieves the need to do it again for a period of time.
    As an ex-smoker and nicotine addict the urge/need for a smoke is relieved by a cigarette. Shortly thereafter the nicotine hit wears off and another smoke is needed.
    Getting out and or dressing in general relieves the urge. It treats the condition. Dressing satisfies certain needs. while it may be transient it does provide genuine good and pleasant feelings that I like to experience from time to time.
    I would not want to be a woman. I like who I am and many of the things I do as a guy. I love to dress and experience the feelings I get from doing so.
    Pat

    ReplyDelete
  3. Just so you know, I am not in anyway feeling threatened, but you are putting out some seriously mixed signals. Consider:

    "No I do call it crossdressing because that is how I manage my dysphoria".

    "Am I the practical equivalent of a crossdresser today? yes I am."

    Why not just call it "dysphoria management"?

    You might even consider a new gender dysphoria treatment/management plan/system called "Dysphoria Management System", (DMS).

    I mean 'seriously'. If you could sell this, you could justify cross-dressing for millions world wide! I wonder if it might even work for obesity.

    Now pul-eeese! Don't get angry! I am just being silly, but I do like the sound of it...."DMS"

    ReplyDelete
  4. No no I like it...let's put a trademark on it and go into business....lol...

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

looking past cross gender arousal

Jack’s latest Crossdreamers post got me thinking about cross gender arousal and how it could be avoided; also whether it even matters. This with particular focus on the inability to relate of someone on the outside looking in.

You see, sexuality is a very complicated thing to begin with and when you then add gender identity ambiguity it becomes a recipe to really confuse someone.

So imagine that you are a little boy who identifies as a girl but then along comes puberty and short circuits everything by having the sex you identify with also be the sex you are attracted to. For in essence this is what happens to all all male to female gender dysphoric trans persons who are attracted to women.

So I ask myself: can I imagine a scenario where this inherent contradiction would not produce sexual confusion? The answer is that I cannot.

I am in the unique position, like many of you, to have experienced an early identification with the feminine become sexualized later on. This brought confusion…

understanding the erotic component

I have written about crossed wires before in two separate posts. The idea is that one cannot pass through puberty and the development of sexual feelings for females and not have your pre-existing gender dysphoria be impacted through your psychosexual development. The hormone responsible for your libido is testosterone which is present in much stronger concentration in males and is why gynephilics are most likely to experience erotic overtones as the conflict between romantic external feelings and their pull towards the feminine become permanently intertwined.

Because I came from a deeply religious family where sex was not discussed much at all, I grew up with little access to information and was very much ignorant of matters relating to the subject. With no firsthand experience in intercourse until I married I was then faced with the reality that my ability to perform sexually had been deeply impacted by my dysphoric feelings. This began years of turmoil and self-deprecating thoughts …

a blending

An interesting thing is happening to me: as I have fully embraced being transgender my male and female anima are becoming blended. The female side is no longer an unwelcome appendage which, as a result, has allowed me to craft a more genuine and happier male image.

I dress when I want to and sometimes I cut outings shorter than before. I am my own master in this regard and feel in control.

Don't get me wrong in that the dysphoria is not going away and is sometimes like a wild stallion that threatens to jump the fence but I have learnt to understand it’s demands after all these years hence a transition for me is definitely not in the cards. At this point I am not even foreseeing a social one.

The two sides are no longer in conflict and they are now intertwined to create a fusion that is unique to me. That answer finally came when I reached a full level of self assurance about who I am and learned to embrace that I am trans and yes, that includes my dysphoria's erotic undertones…