Skip to main content

always challenges

I’m settling more and more into routine.

I can now interweave my outings and simply have them be part of my everyday life without fanfare or hoopla. They have also started to be less complicated and I drive far less than I used to.

In the past, I would have driven to some mall to ensure more anonymity but now I am content to stay close to home and go into a coffee house or even a McDonald’s and simply sit down with my tablet and browse the web or write this blog.

I am spending less time questioning and more time living which is a big improvement because no amount of conjecture will solve the riddle which is my gender disphoria. Besides, I don’t need to justify myself to anyone save my children and my partner; all of whom understand that, for better or worse, this is part of my nature and always will be.

The next issue at hand is my son’s anxiety which will be front and center as the new school year begins.

We are certainly better prepared for it than we were and all the measures are in place to try and help him. The school is more aware of this epidemic which now affects one in four adolescents. It’s difficult to comprehend how this could have happened but I chalk it up to a combination of the faster lifestyle we live today coupled with the coddling we have given these children. In an attempt to give them better quality of life, we have perhaps shielded them too much from the realities of life and they more readily buckle under the weight of immersion into the societal cruelty that is high school.

The raging hormones coupled with attempts at defining yourself within that pecking order cannot be easy and I try to remind myself of this every time I am tempted to give my son advice on how to handle things.

My daughter, who is almost two years older, has already found her stride even as she also stumbles here and there. I am there for her too but she has established herself in the school life and has a stronger sense of who she is than does my son. She needs me less than he does.

There is certainly a loss of control one experiences when this happens because, unlike a physical injury, these types of situations leave you feeling helpless at times. You talk to them but sometimes nothing seems to help and you are left scratching your head.

As a person who has always tried to exert control over my own life, I have learnt much about myself and my limits in the process of dealing with this latest challenge.

Comments

  1. Good Luck.
    I just commented on another blog that we should keep in mind the Serenity Prayer and it may apply to you and your family as well.
    "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference."
    Pat

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thank you for this important reminder pat!

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

looking past cross gender arousal

Jack’s latest Crossdreamers post got me thinking about cross gender arousal and how it could be avoided; also whether it even matters. This with particular focus on the inability to relate of someone on the outside looking in.

You see, sexuality is a very complicated thing to begin with and when you then add gender identity ambiguity it becomes a recipe to really confuse someone.

So imagine that you are a little boy who identifies as a girl but then along comes puberty and short circuits everything by having the sex you identify with also be the sex you are attracted to. For in essence this is what happens to all all male to female gender dysphoric trans persons who are attracted to women.

So I ask myself: can I imagine a scenario where this inherent contradiction would not produce sexual confusion? The answer is that I cannot.

I am in the unique position, like many of you, to have experienced an early identification with the feminine become sexualized later on. This brought confusion…

understanding the erotic component

I have written about crossed wires before in two separate posts. The idea is that one cannot pass through puberty and the development of sexual feelings for females and not have your pre-existing gender dysphoria be impacted through your psychosexual development. The hormone responsible for your libido is testosterone which is present in much stronger concentration in males and is why gynephilics are most likely to experience erotic overtones as the conflict between romantic external feelings and their pull towards the feminine become permanently intertwined.

Because I came from a deeply religious family where sex was not discussed much at all, I grew up with little access to information and was very much ignorant of matters relating to the subject. With no firsthand experience in intercourse until I married I was then faced with the reality that my ability to perform sexually had been deeply impacted by my dysphoric feelings. This began years of turmoil and self-deprecating thoughts …

another coming out

Recently I had lunch with one of the young estimators who occasionally works with me here in Toronto. We were chatting about work and our respective lives when she queried about my love life:

“So how is it going on that front. Meet anyone interesting lately?”

I reflected for a moment and then said:

“My situation is a little particular and if you don’t mind I can share something about myself”

She leaned in a bit and told me to please go ahead.

“I am trans” I said matter of factly.

She looked at me and smiled and said:

“Really? That’s so neat”

She is 35 years old and a lovely person which is why I knew I could confide in her. I then added that I had been reflecting on whether I would switch companies and begin working as Joanna and although she is totally open she also knows how conservative our business can be. So I told her that if I did decide to it would definitely be under a different umbrella.

Then yesterday I was coming back to my place and the lady who rents it to me, who is abo…