Skip to main content

my overlaps with the transgender community

Up until today I was a member of a site called pinkessence.

I left the site permanently this morning. This move was prompted by some rude behavior by one of the posters but I had already been contemplating my departure and that little incident made the decision much easier.

In my everyday life I have abandonned the idea of overlapping with the transgender community and that has been due to a lack of success in finding constructive real life relationships. Just because someone shares your penchant for women's clothes, that does not make for automatic friend material.

Yes I have found common ground online but not in the real world.

So I keep Joanna firmly rooted outside transgender circles which is probably just as well.

The last person I met approached me in a shopping mall in drab. He was there accompanied by his wife who was certain that I was a female but he was equally certain I was trans. In the end he approached me and after a pleasant enough conversation we agreed to exchange contact information. He was from out of town, a crossdresser and married to an accepting wife. Several months later we met up both dressed and shared a meal in the old part of the city. There were hints that there was little in common between us throught the evening but when he told me he moonlighted as a dominatrix, it was the final confirmation that we were not at all on the same wavelength.

For the record I am not a prude, but I will enjoy my online contacts and leave it at that.


  1. Hi Joanna,

    I'm not sure what my point is with this, but I'll present it anyway:

    It seems to me that you consider Joanna to be a real woman and you mostly pass when you are her. You interact with most people and they don't know about your other half. So, if you can pass successfully in all aspects, why would you necessarily be interested in other TG's? Aren't you much better served establishing regular relationships with regular people?

    Also, don't you think that the crossdressers you meet in real life are going to be on a different place on Benjamin's scale? If you look at it as the tail end of a bell curve, most will be types 1-3 and into it mostly as a kink, which may be of little interest to someone with dysphoria. Dysphoria points to an inner female presence that has no interest in the kinky side.

    I guess you mainly need relationships with TG's for moral support and ideas on handling gender dysphoria. You need relationships with non TG's for validation.

    Just some thoughts...


    1. You have pretty much hit on it lindsay. I'm trying to be as much of a real woman as I can and the overlap with people at different stages doesnt always work for me.

  2. Joanna -

    The way I see it, you simply didn't have much in common with this person. Don't rule out meeting others from our community based on a bad experience. I've met others, and have enjoyed the experiences....


    1. Marian I am not closing the door. In fact I hope to meet you one day...

  3. Hi Joanna,

    I never joined Pink Essence, even though Chloe was one of the first who ever commented on my blog. The reason is simply because I don't post pictures, and Pink Essence requires a picture, or at least it did the last time I looked. I sort of live in the TG center of the universe, so I pretty much have plenty of friends here, anyway (always room for more, however!!).

    I have met so many from all parts of the TG spectrum. One of the scariest was a guy who drove about 300 miles to meet me and a friend and made it very clear that he was out for T-Girl sex. Ummmm......not my thing, sorry.

    Nor is "kinky". I'm very open minded and I have plenty of friends who are into "kinky". Just not my thing.

    Calie xx

  4. Calie we are on the same page on this. I am not trying to be dismissive or anti social but when its not my thing that often nails it.

    Pinkessence is an odd website. Good in many respects but also full of bullies who talk people down when they post opinions they don't agree with. I wish Chloe well but the site is no longer for me.

    Thank you for your thoughts..

  5. I have seen pinkessence, but never bothered, just did not seem like my thing.

    Actually, for the first while of writing my blog, I did not participate on any other trans anything blog, not was I interested in seeking out any sort of involvement from the trans community. I was happy enough doing my own thing. Eventually I broadened my views and involved myself with other like minded individuals, but only online.

    Never in real life have I ever hung out with anyone that is trans anything. Never been to a support group or a meeting or a meat me for lunch, nothing. I guess I am just not interested.

    1. Could not agree more with your assessment Nadine!

  6. So based on these comments, it seems this "trans-community" is little more than a cyber-space illusion, or the occasional congress of men in dresses. Seems like all you serious folk are just too good for them.

  7. This comment has been removed by the author.

  8. I think one should use the same selection criteria to choose a friend and not base it on whether therr is a trans element involved. Of course given that there are so few of us to begin with, the temptation might be high to be less choosy.

    For me its not about dissing but about finding common ground and in the case of the aforementioned crossdresser there wasn't much there.

    I wish I did have someone closer that I could overlap with but that has not happened yet.

  9. Even when I do get out while dressed I am pretty much the same person as my guy self...similar interests, etc.

  10. I am not so much the same as I am presenting as a woman but I am melding myself more into one person than I used to. Its become less about dressing and more about being myself and being comfortable..

  11. Hi Joanna,

    I can certainly appreciate where you are coming from. While I have made many contacts in the transgender community, many of whom I considered friends,those friendships turned out to be mostly acquaintances over time. I have found that I have little to nothing in common with those who identify as crossdressers, and those who go on to transition often tend to tone down their association with me. Like you, I have only taken some minor steps towards transition and I am no where near full time due to family circumstances. That being said, my identity as a woman is true although it is an evolving learning experience. While I do still attend parties with, and functions with, other transgender individuals, I have found the most satisfaction in just doing the mundane things in life, often by myself, as the woman that I am. To me, I just sometimes prefer going out shopping, sitting in Starbucks having a coffee, taking in a museum, etc., just interacting with the everyday world by myself as myself. It is just so normal and frankly, all my interactions with mainstream society have been so routine which is the way I like it. Just another woman being herself and not worrying about how others perceive her.

    1. Kristina we are very very much alike; almost eerily so. I follow exactly the same thinking and have found the same lack of commonality with crossdressers as you have. I only know transsexuals online so can't say much there. But yes there is beauty in the routine and mundane. Too bad we don't live closer to each other.

    2. Joanna, I do agree with you that we seem so much alike. Perhaps that is why I am an avid reader of your blog as you and I seem to share a lot of similar traits. As you said, too bad that we don't live closer!

    3. I would have to agree with both of you. I also closely identify with what you are both saying in comments on this post.


  12. Then all three of us should meet for coffee lol!


Post a comment

Popular posts from this blog

my last post

This will be my last blog post.

When I wrote recently that this blog had another seven years of life in it I was trying to convince myself that it was true. It was in fact a little bit of self delusion.

With almost 3,000 posts to date I have accomplished what I set out to do which was to heal myself and in the process share some of the struggle I had been through with others on the chance they might find some value in my words. After seven years of writing, my life still isn't perfect; no one's is. But I have discovered a path forward completely free of the trappings which society would have had me adopt so I could fit in.

Over the last 25 years of my life I have turned over every stone I could find while exploring this topic and in the process realized that we haven't even begun to scratch the surface of this deeply complex subject. What I have ultimately learned is that my instincts have more value than what someone who isn't gender dysphoric writes about me. We are …


While this blog is most definitely over, I wanted to explain that part of the reason is that it was getting in the way of writing my next book called "Notes, Essays and Short Stories from the North" which will combine philosophy, trans issues, my observations on life, some short fiction and things that have happened to me over my life and continue to (both trans related and not).

When it is complete I will post the news here and will be happy to send you a free copy upon request in either PDF or eBook format. All I ask is that you provide me with some feedback once you're done reading it.

I'm only in the early stages so it will be a while.

Be well all of you....

sample pages...

love of self

If you feel you are doing something wrong it shows. Your demeanor, body language and facial expression all conspire to betray you.

You are a clandestine "man in a dress"; you know it and everyone else can too. Your cover has been blown. I've been there and it's frustrating. The source goes back to your self image and the notion that you are somehow a freak of nature; and perhaps you are but what of it? the only way out is to embrace yourself fully and unconditionally. I don't mean to suggest that you are perfect but just that you were created this way and you need not seek forgiveness for it. You are a creation of God.

Misinterpreted religion is a big culprit in all this. These negative images of yourself came from reinforcement of stereotypes by ignorant people interpreting what is right and moral by their own barometer. You simply ingested the message and bought it as the gospel truth. Self confidence and critical thinking is the way out of your dilemma. It can…