I wasn't raised in a way that allowed me to do this because everything needed to be analysed and understood fully before fully engaging.
Perhaps as a result, I am not a relaxed person and I catch myself having little outbursts of temper when I am not in full control.
My gender issues and, most recently, my son's anxiety battle are areas where I have needed to relinquish much of that desired control. In the process, I am learning some valuable lessons about myself.
So while the thirst still exists to find out the root of my GID, it's no longer mired in the exculpatory but instead driven by a complete certainty that what is accepted as dogma today is wrong and the theories written to explain my behavior do not fit.
Nevertheless I feel good about myself and when I am out as joanna, my head is lifted and I am myself only under different wrapping. It no longer feels, as it used to, like a guilt ridden indulgence to be tolerated but simply a part of who I am.
The laser treatments are over and so is the steady stream of purchases of female clothing. Joanna now has plenty of wardrobe.
In an effort to gain perspective, I am also trying to balance both sides.
If I am indeed on the fence between man and woman then balance is what will be required going forward.
With newly found respect for my female side I can now move firmly in that direction.