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Moving forward with a positive attitude

Yes I am a borderline transsexual but I’m OK with that now.

I have determined that I can manage my life with this knowledge and that I no longer need any more counselling on the matter.

What are they going to do for me anyway? Show me how to cope?

I am already doing that now to the best of my ability. By presenting part time as a woman I can temper my disphoria and not allow it to compel me into transitioning.

Plus I love N, I love my children and I won’t sacrifice that.

Before I understood anything about gender disphoria, I blamed myself exclusively for all of it. I was to blame for desiring to be a female. It was my vice and my compulsion but as I gathered enough self knowledge and learned to understand myself, I realized that no matter how hard I fought nothing was going to change so I might as well adapt.

Perhaps I could have been one of those children that could have been rehabilitated by someone like Zucker. But I kept silent and played in my room alone and went into my mother’s closet when no one was home.

If you keep silent no one can help you except yourself.

My kind of help was to ignore and repress which made things worse and now, as an adult whose disphoria is permanent, I have found a formula that works and I am going to go with it. My sanity and my happiness as a human being hinges on it.

When I am out as Joanna I am recharged and without the guilt that used to follow an outing I can allow that boost of energy help the male me to thrive and be happy.

My doing something as simple as yesterday's visit to a mall I had not been to for a long time and having merchants greet me in such a positive fashion is the kind of boost I thrive on. A short conversation in a dress shop about the manager’s upcoming vacation is the stuff that keeps me happy because it allows Joanna to be real if but for a few hours.

If you ask me to explain it I am unable to except to say that instinctively it feeds the soul in a way that I do not comprehend. The combination of factors that made me this way are increasingly less important than the way I manage my life going forward.

The next series of steps will revolve around becoming truly whole and finding as much balance as I can so I can be the best partner and parent that I can be; disphoric or not.

Comments

  1. Smokey the Bear pronounced that "Only you can prevent forest fires". I have a similar approach to dealing with TG issues. You are a very smart, self-examining, thoughtful individual. GD is in many regards a fluid condition with the pink fog ebbing and flowing with varying strengths. Finding a static solution is difficult and for those of us who confront our gender issues we reach different milestones and accomodations based on a myriad of often varying factors.
    The key, in my view, is to accept yourself as a person of integrity and value and then do the best that you can to accomodate your "T" factors into the rest of your life. I would never give up my wonderful loving wife and family, I still need my job, I have a slot in the community as my guy self that interacts with a large number of people. Additionally, while you and many others with "T" issues can pass in civilian society I do not think that applies to all or even most of us. Nevertheless I have my "T" factors to deal with and I find a way to deal with that part of who I am in many different ways.
    Pat

    ReplyDelete
  2. Pat thank you for that very thoughtful feedback. I think the key is definitely to think of yourself as a person with a life and responsibilities first and then fit the disphoria management method that works best for you into that mix.

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