Skip to main content

my dinner with N

N and I had a lovely meal last night during which we discussed many things; one of them being this blog and how much I have written in the past about transition.

It's true that I have weighed the idea but now I have closed the door on it.

She is ok with the dressing and as long as it remains only dressing then we will be able to make a go of it as a couple.

She knows I am more than a crossdresser but that's all right by her and that kind of acceptance of who I am is a hard thing to come by. In fact when we met again four years ago after a 23 year hiatus, she had less trouble accepting me than I did.

Back then I told her I was a crossdresser because that's what I genuinely believed at the time.

But even knowing the truth that she knows now, she is still able to look at the whole person which is amazing to me.

I enclose a picture from early this morning...

Comments

  1. I am really hopeful that you and N are able to continue to deepen your relationship. It seems that she understands that you are a complex, intelligent, loving and caring person and that to the extent possible you will try to keep the balls in the air. It is nice to be able to share a life with someone you admire, love and respect. If she can accept your dual gendered nature and you can live with some boundaries perhaps things will work out well.
    You have my best wishes.
    Pat

    ReplyDelete
  2. Pat thank you. She does understand very well that the way I am is not a choice and, in turn, I am doing my best to shield her from Joanna so that our time together is not affected by my need to express my dual nature. I am very fortunate that way and in fact what broke us up in the first place had nothing to do with this aspect. It was more related to the pressures of me having children and the demands of my ex spouse.

    ReplyDelete
  3. ....which boiled over into my verbal and temper issues. I am seeing someone for this now and its going very well.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

looking past cross gender arousal

Jack’s latest Crossdreamers post got me thinking about cross gender arousal and how it could be avoided; also whether it even matters. This with particular focus on the inability to relate of someone on the outside looking in.

You see, sexuality is a very complicated thing to begin with and when you then add gender identity ambiguity it becomes a recipe to really confuse someone.

So imagine that you are a little boy who identifies as a girl but then along comes puberty and short circuits everything by having the sex you identify with also be the sex you are attracted to. For in essence this is what happens to all all male to female gender dysphoric trans persons who are attracted to women.

So I ask myself: can I imagine a scenario where this inherent contradiction would not produce sexual confusion? The answer is that I cannot.

I am in the unique position, like many of you, to have experienced an early identification with the feminine become sexualized later on. This brought confusion…

understanding the erotic component

I have written about crossed wires before in two separate posts. The idea is that one cannot pass through puberty and the development of sexual feelings for females and not have your pre-existing gender dysphoria be impacted through your psychosexual development. The hormone responsible for your libido is testosterone which is present in much stronger concentration in males and is why gynephilics are most likely to experience erotic overtones as the conflict between romantic external feelings and their pull towards the feminine become permanently intertwined.

Because I came from a deeply religious family where sex was not discussed much at all, I grew up with little access to information and was very much ignorant of matters relating to the subject. With no firsthand experience in intercourse until I married I was then faced with the reality that my ability to perform sexually had been deeply impacted by my dysphoric feelings. This began years of turmoil and self-deprecating thoughts …

a blending

An interesting thing is happening to me: as I have fully embraced being transgender my male and female anima are becoming blended. The female side is no longer an unwelcome appendage which, as a result, has allowed me to craft a more genuine and happier male image.

I dress when I want to and sometimes I cut outings shorter than before. I am my own master in this regard and feel in control.

Don't get me wrong in that the dysphoria is not going away and is sometimes like a wild stallion that threatens to jump the fence but I have learnt to understand it’s demands after all these years hence a transition for me is definitely not in the cards. At this point I am not even foreseeing a social one.

The two sides are no longer in conflict and they are now intertwined to create a fusion that is unique to me. That answer finally came when I reached a full level of self assurance about who I am and learned to embrace that I am trans and yes, that includes my dysphoria's erotic undertones…