Skip to main content

It's not just about passing...

Dressing as Joanna in public has become a very normal thing for me and I couldn’t be happier. Gone are the nerves and jitters that haunted me during the years when I was concerned about being read or perceived as a male. Regardless of how people view me now, I am perfectly at ease as Joanna; which has only helped me to blend in even more.

My comfort has increased yet again over the last 6 months since I have finally settled any doubts I had about whether I would ever transition. The accompanying peace of mind has raised my level of freedom and enjoyment to an all time high.

So my advice to anyone who is thinking of dressing in public for the first time is that you do so in little steps and that you try and focus on little victories. Dress to blend in and work on all aspects of your presentation. This means makeup, comportment, movement and most importantly: your voice.

I cannot overemphasize the importance of having a passable female voice.

I practiced for months using my cell phone as a recording device and then listening back. I would do this during my morning walk to my train. Once I began to hear a female voice talking back to me, I knew I was ready to use it comfortably in public and be able to entertain more than a brief business transaction with a cashier.

But even more important than voice is the notion of being comfortable in your own skin. This is probably the hardest thing to achieve since your nerves will often conspire to undo your composure.

What surprised me most is that during instances where I thought I was not passing, I actually was until I let my lack of self confidence betrayed me. But I did not realize this since I was so busy fretting and worrying that I had been found out.

However, for me it’s no longer about passing and more about being comfortable with who I am.

People can smell lack of confidence and you will be treated only as well as you view yourself. If you show dignity and friendliness towards others, they will perceive you as a person of grace who, regardless of their actual gender, deserves to be addressed with kindness and respect.

This is a lesson I have learnt over and over again as I have become more and more comfortable as an almost totally “out” transgender person.

Learn to know who you are and respect and love yourself first. After all, if you don’t who else will? This was a lesson I had to learn in order to move forward.

Remember that you are one of God’s creations and perhaps part of the plan was this gift you previously thought of as a curse.

Comments

  1. A beautiful post. I find no fault with what you have written and I am so happy with the level of peace that you have reached. I also believe that every time you or I or any of us get out the door presenting as a woman the better it is for all of us and for society as a whole. I do not believe that the Holy Grail is passing so much as acceptance. We are good people and children of God. We are entitled to be treated with respect and dignity rather than derision and scorn.
    Keep on doing what you are doing.
    Pat

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

looking past cross gender arousal

Jack’s latest Crossdreamers post got me thinking about cross gender arousal and how it could be avoided; also whether it even matters. This with particular focus on the inability to relate of someone on the outside looking in.

You see, sexuality is a very complicated thing to begin with and when you then add gender identity ambiguity it becomes a recipe to really confuse someone.

So imagine that you are a little boy who identifies as a girl but then along comes puberty and short circuits everything by having the sex you identify with also be the sex you are attracted to. For in essence this is what happens to all all male to female gender dysphoric trans persons who are attracted to women.

So I ask myself: can I imagine a scenario where this inherent contradiction would not produce sexual confusion? The answer is that I cannot.

I am in the unique position, like many of you, to have experienced an early identification with the feminine become sexualized later on. This brought confusion…

understanding the erotic component

I have written about crossed wires before in two separate posts. The idea is that one cannot pass through puberty and the development of sexual feelings for females and not have your pre-existing gender dysphoria be impacted through your psychosexual development. The hormone responsible for your libido is testosterone which is present in much stronger concentration in males and is why gynephilics are most likely to experience erotic overtones as the conflict between romantic external feelings and their pull towards the feminine become permanently intertwined.

Because I came from a deeply religious family where sex was not discussed much at all, I grew up with little access to information and was very much ignorant of matters relating to the subject. With no firsthand experience in intercourse until I married I was then faced with the reality that my ability to perform sexually had been deeply impacted by my dysphoric feelings. This began years of turmoil and self-deprecating thoughts …

a blending

An interesting thing is happening to me: as I have fully embraced being transgender my male and female anima are becoming blended. The female side is no longer an unwelcome appendage which, as a result, has allowed me to craft a more genuine and happier male image.

I dress when I want to and sometimes I cut outings shorter than before. I am my own master in this regard and feel in control.

Don't get me wrong in that the dysphoria is not going away and is sometimes like a wild stallion that threatens to jump the fence but I have learnt to understand it’s demands after all these years hence a transition for me is definitely not in the cards. At this point I am not even foreseeing a social one.

The two sides are no longer in conflict and they are now intertwined to create a fusion that is unique to me. That answer finally came when I reached a full level of self assurance about who I am and learned to embrace that I am trans and yes, that includes my dysphoria's erotic undertones…