Skip to main content

learning a new language

Exploring your true feelings can sometimes take an enormous amount of courage because doing so is almost like learning a new language.

There is an inherent fear in all human beings to avoid change and to stay with the known; even if that which is known is not the best thing for us.

When you first allow yourself to question basic tenets pertaining to gender roles you realize that going against what is expected often confuses and angers people. This is not always the case for all but it is for most.

Families are torn apart and friendships abandoned.

So when you muster up the courage and learn the language which allows you to interpret your feelings in a new way, it’s like opening a window to a new reality; a reality which may upset people and could destroy what you have built over a lifetime. This is why this process is so hard.

I never thought that I could question anything regarding my life role and the expectations that came with it. But I finally learned that I could take an active role in redefining my expectations for myself instead of counting on what others thought I should be.

This process can be for many of us interminably long because there is so much change involved. Learning a new language is taxing and time consuming but the rewards come in due course.

When you are trapped in that horrible confusion of where your life is going is when the overwhelming need to act finally takes over. You initiate the process because you have no other choice. You need to find a baseline that works or your mental health will suffer.

My last post dealt with Anne Vitale’s work with people who feel trapped in a box. They deny and negate what is there at all costs because to want to be something other than what they think they should be is unimaginable.

To learn to redefine what is ultimately right and what is only societal conformity takes time and in the process of living we learn to figure out the difference.

But if we do not question we do not grow as human beings.

Many people do not question and do what they are told but at the expense of being who they are. In order to live authentically we have needed to teach ourselves a new language that allows us to interpret things differently and to question things that make no sense.

You owe yourself nothing less.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

looking past cross gender arousal

Jack’s latest Crossdreamers post got me thinking about cross gender arousal and how it could be avoided; also whether it even matters. This with particular focus on the inability to relate of someone on the outside looking in.

You see, sexuality is a very complicated thing to begin with and when you then add gender identity ambiguity it becomes a recipe to really confuse someone.

So imagine that you are a little boy who identifies as a girl but then along comes puberty and short circuits everything by having the sex you identify with also be the sex you are attracted to. For in essence this is what happens to all all male to female gender dysphoric trans persons who are attracted to women.

So I ask myself: can I imagine a scenario where this inherent contradiction would not produce sexual confusion? The answer is that I cannot.

I am in the unique position, like many of you, to have experienced an early identification with the feminine become sexualized later on. This brought confusion…

understanding the erotic component

I have written about crossed wires before in two separate posts. The idea is that one cannot pass through puberty and the development of sexual feelings for females and not have your pre-existing gender dysphoria be impacted through your psychosexual development. The hormone responsible for your libido is testosterone which is present in much stronger concentration in males and is why gynephilics are most likely to experience erotic overtones as the conflict between romantic external feelings and their pull towards the feminine become permanently intertwined.

Because I came from a deeply religious family where sex was not discussed much at all, I grew up with little access to information and was very much ignorant of matters relating to the subject. With no firsthand experience in intercourse until I married I was then faced with the reality that my ability to perform sexually had been deeply impacted by my dysphoric feelings. This began years of turmoil and self-deprecating thoughts …

a blending

An interesting thing is happening to me: as I have fully embraced being transgender my male and female anima are becoming blended. The female side is no longer an unwelcome appendage which, as a result, has allowed me to craft a more genuine and happier male image.

I dress when I want to and sometimes I cut outings shorter than before. I am my own master in this regard and feel in control.

Don't get me wrong in that the dysphoria is not going away and is sometimes like a wild stallion that threatens to jump the fence but I have learnt to understand it’s demands after all these years hence a transition for me is definitely not in the cards. At this point I am not even foreseeing a social one.

The two sides are no longer in conflict and they are now intertwined to create a fusion that is unique to me. That answer finally came when I reached a full level of self assurance about who I am and learned to embrace that I am trans and yes, that includes my dysphoria's erotic undertones…