Skip to main content

You've got to have friends

I suppose it would be nice to have a crossdressing friend that I had a lot in common with and whose company I really valued. I have had no success in the past in this regard which is why I have ended up befriending natal women instead and really quite by accident.

Admittedly it feels good to be accepted by the small group of women that know me and this has helped make some of my outings as Joanna less boring and more social; and since I can’t see myself going to crossdressing meetings with men who don’t know how to dress properly or don’t pass sufficiently well to blend in I don’t think my situation will change soon. Being accompanied by someone who makes me even more of a target will make my time out less enjoyable and potentially more dangerous as well.

I meet these women sporadically for a coffee it and it allows us to catch up on each other’s lives and share some humour or sometimes exchange parental advice. They know me as a divorced mother of two teens which, in the end, is not so much a fib.

I have mentioned in previous posts that I don’t feel comfortable deceiving anyone but it was a challenge at that time to see how effective my voice and presentation could be. Once I got there it was too late to turn back and I admit I do enjoy not having to deal with transgender topics and just be Joanna for a short while with someone who accepts me as another female.

I don’t blame N in the least for not accompanying me and in truth I would have trouble having her see me gesture and speak when I’m in Joanna mode. In that sense, the current scenario works in that I need to dress regularly to stay balanced and happy while she wants and deserves a male lover and life partner.

So we make things work as best we can given the circumstances.


Popular posts from this blog

looking past cross gender arousal

Jack’s latest Crossdreamers post got me thinking about cross gender arousal and how it could be avoided; also whether it even matters. This with particular focus on the inability to relate of someone on the outside looking in.

You see, sexuality is a very complicated thing to begin with and when you then add gender identity ambiguity it becomes a recipe to really confuse someone.

So imagine that you are a little boy who identifies as a girl but then along comes puberty and short circuits everything by having the sex you identify with also be the sex you are attracted to. For in essence this is what happens to all all male to female gender dysphoric trans persons who are attracted to women.

So I ask myself: can I imagine a scenario where this inherent contradiction would not produce sexual confusion? The answer is that I cannot.

I am in the unique position, like many of you, to have experienced an early identification with the feminine become sexualized later on. This brought confusion…

understanding the erotic component

I have written about crossed wires before in two separate posts. The idea is that one cannot pass through puberty and the development of sexual feelings for females and not have your pre-existing gender dysphoria be impacted through your psychosexual development. The hormone responsible for your libido is testosterone which is present in much stronger concentration in males and is why gynephilics are most likely to experience erotic overtones as the conflict between romantic external feelings and their pull towards the feminine become permanently intertwined.

Because I came from a deeply religious family where sex was not discussed much at all, I grew up with little access to information and was very much ignorant of matters relating to the subject. With no firsthand experience in intercourse until I married I was then faced with the reality that my ability to perform sexually had been deeply impacted by my dysphoric feelings. This began years of turmoil and self-deprecating thoughts …

another coming out

Recently I had lunch with one of the young estimators who occasionally works with me here in Toronto. We were chatting about work and our respective lives when she queried about my love life:

“So how is it going on that front. Meet anyone interesting lately?”

I reflected for a moment and then said:

“My situation is a little particular and if you don’t mind I can share something about myself”

She leaned in a bit and told me to please go ahead.

“I am trans” I said matter of factly.

She looked at me and smiled and said:

“Really? That’s so neat”

She is 35 years old and a lovely person which is why I knew I could confide in her. I then added that I had been reflecting on whether I would switch companies and begin working as Joanna and although she is totally open she also knows how conservative our business can be. So I told her that if I did decide to it would definitely be under a different umbrella.

Then yesterday I was coming back to my place and the lady who rents it to me, who is abo…