Skip to main content

giving yourself a break

I admit I’m a pretty fortunate person.

After going through several very difficult years I seem to have turned things around. I have a beautiful, intelligent and very understanding woman in my life that I love dearly and my two teens seem to be getting their life in order; my son’s battle with anxiety, after coming to a boiling point towards the early part of last year, appears to have turned into a much smaller problem. My daughter is doing well in school and is a very talented artist.

Over these last years, I’ve learnt some important lessons about giving myself a break and learning to let go of the things I cannot control. Not everything in life can be manipulated so that you spare that person pain or discomfort and sometimes that suffering is a prerequisite to learning and growing to make us into better human beings.

My own anxiety about who I was, shaped me into the person I am today and much reflective time was spent trying to understand where I fit into the world and how my personal challenges should be dealt with. Much of that struggle was internal and was not shared with anyone for fear of embarrassment and shame.

We all have our challenges in this life and the most important thing to remember is that you should not undertake them alone. You should seek help and realize that your own worst case scenarios need not be seen that way by others. We can often be our own worst enemies and by sharing your load and seeking help you can build bridges with others while helping yourself at the same time.

Perhaps it took me longer than it should have to learn these lessons but I am glad I finally did.

So remember that you are only as alone as you want to be and you should give yourself a break from time to time; this advice coming from someone for whom life was deadly serious all of the time from a very young age.

Who says you can’t teach an old dog new tricks.


Comments

  1. I love your blog! So very Zen! Thank you! I relate quite a bit to everything you say. Thank you for writing as it makes me feel that much less alone with this condition.

    ReplyDelete
  2. You are certainly not alone Josh. Many of us around and it is my pleasure to write it!

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

looking past cross gender arousal

Jack’s latest Crossdreamers post got me thinking about cross gender arousal and how it could be avoided; also whether it even matters. This with particular focus on the inability to relate of someone on the outside looking in.

You see, sexuality is a very complicated thing to begin with and when you then add gender identity ambiguity it becomes a recipe to really confuse someone.

So imagine that you are a little boy who identifies as a girl but then along comes puberty and short circuits everything by having the sex you identify with also be the sex you are attracted to. For in essence this is what happens to all all male to female gender dysphoric trans persons who are attracted to women.

So I ask myself: can I imagine a scenario where this inherent contradiction would not produce sexual confusion? The answer is that I cannot.

I am in the unique position, like many of you, to have experienced an early identification with the feminine become sexualized later on. This brought confusion…

understanding the erotic component

I have written about crossed wires before in two separate posts. The idea is that one cannot pass through puberty and the development of sexual feelings for females and not have your pre-existing gender dysphoria be impacted through your psychosexual development. The hormone responsible for your libido is testosterone which is present in much stronger concentration in males and is why gynephilics are most likely to experience erotic overtones as the conflict between romantic external feelings and their pull towards the feminine become permanently intertwined.

Because I came from a deeply religious family where sex was not discussed much at all, I grew up with little access to information and was very much ignorant of matters relating to the subject. With no firsthand experience in intercourse until I married I was then faced with the reality that my ability to perform sexually had been deeply impacted by my dysphoric feelings. This began years of turmoil and self-deprecating thoughts …

a blending

An interesting thing is happening to me: as I have fully embraced being transgender my male and female anima are becoming blended. The female side is no longer an unwelcome appendage which, as a result, has allowed me to craft a more genuine and happier male image.

I dress when I want to and sometimes I cut outings shorter than before. I am my own master in this regard and feel in control.

Don't get me wrong in that the dysphoria is not going away and is sometimes like a wild stallion that threatens to jump the fence but I have learnt to understand it’s demands after all these years hence a transition for me is definitely not in the cards. At this point I am not even foreseeing a social one.

The two sides are no longer in conflict and they are now intertwined to create a fusion that is unique to me. That answer finally came when I reached a full level of self assurance about who I am and learned to embrace that I am trans and yes, that includes my dysphoria's erotic undertones…