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those ebbs and flows....

We are all too human and subject to our little ups and downs.

My dysphoria bounces along with my biorhythms and sometimes both conspire to play with my confidence about where I am with my life balancing act. In general I am very positive but the tiny shifts in my mood which can occur on a daily (if not hourly) basis make us victims to doubt and worry.

The key is to be aware that you are suffering a temporary setback and that things will soon return to your normal baseline.

Yesterday was a good example. I had a wonderful Sunday with N and yet was feeling a little negative about my dysphoria and how I am managing it.

Am I being selfish? I ask myself that question on a regular basis.

Sometimes I am feel that I am and on other occasion am more than certain I am not. In truth this condition is tricky to manage and as well as I understand my brain process now after many decades of living with it, there are those days where you feel you will never get the formula down pat.

I think my dressing frequency has helped me enormously but that can lead to excluding those closest to me from my life. N and my children don't need to be involved with Joanna so they are necessarily left out so that I can stay balanced and happy. If that implies selfishness then that is something I will need to accept as curbing back now is an unthinkable proposition.

I desperately don't want to go back to that place of repression and suffocation of who I am so that others can see only the male they have come to know.

So I suppose there are days when I resent having to hide Joanna but along with those finicky biorhythms the feeling passes and all is well again.

No one ever said this would be easy.



Comments

  1. I've found that the more I rid myself of the shame and guilt the more intense my desire is for cross gender expression. The more I realize that I've been a woman in a man's body this whole time the more everything begins to make sense for myself. It explains everything and makes my drive for cross gender expression more intense as well. I'm surviving in a male body at this point by slowly allowing myself subtle cross gender expression as a constant in my life. Yet I always feel the desire to go deeper and have yet reached an equilibrium.

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  2. Josh I can completely relate. Take things infenetesminally slow and get to know yourself. One baby step at a time. Thanks for sharing!

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