My dysphoria bounces along with my biorhythms and sometimes both conspire to play with my confidence about where I am with my life balancing act. In general I am very positive but the tiny shifts in my mood which can occur on a daily (if not hourly) basis make us victims to doubt and worry.
The key is to be aware that you are suffering a temporary setback and that things will soon return to your normal baseline.
Yesterday was a good example. I had a wonderful Sunday with N and yet was feeling a little negative about my dysphoria and how I am managing it.
Am I being selfish? I ask myself that question on a regular basis.
Sometimes I am feel that I am and on other occasion am more than certain I am not. In truth this condition is tricky to manage and as well as I understand my brain process now after many decades of living with it, there are those days where you feel you will never get the formula down pat.
I think my dressing frequency has helped me enormously but that can lead to excluding those closest to me from my life. N and my children don't need to be involved with Joanna so they are necessarily left out so that I can stay balanced and happy. If that implies selfishness then that is something I will need to accept as curbing back now is an unthinkable proposition.
I desperately don't want to go back to that place of repression and suffocation of who I am so that others can see only the male they have come to know.
So I suppose there are days when I resent having to hide Joanna but along with those finicky biorhythms the feeling passes and all is well again.
No one ever said this would be easy.