Skip to main content

why this blog exists

This blog started off as deep self analysis and exploration after N walked out of my life 2 years ago.

I had let many decades go without really looking inward and try to understand myself; to attempt to determine why I had always had that deep attraction to the feminine from a young age.

My gender therapy in 2007 was a first step to finding out that none of this was my fault and I need not seek forgiveness for something that came naturally to me in the first place. It has taken a lot of work since then to make sense of things and come to some sort of equilibrium.

I now know that my gender dysphoria is permanent but I have found the management tool to help me cope with it; namely frequent cross gender expression.

The tone of my blog has also changed slowly over time and there are two main reasons for why I have continued to make my thoughts public: One is to elicit feedback from others like myself and the other is to try and assist those who are also questioning their gender role and don’t know how to cope with the feelings.

Being transgender need not be a curse even if society deems it so and, now in my early fifties, I care less and less about society’s myopic vision on most topics. In the absence of clear direction from others you need to be your own rudder; most especially when the issue is as grey as this one is.

Gender theory is fine but after reading much of it I have realized that it is mostly inconclusive. There are simply no black and white answers.

The most important element now is education of the public and the demystification of cross gender expression in all its forms. I don’t care whether you are for or against the idea of a transgender umbrella because it changes nothing for those who do not understand what all this is about. For the layman not versed in gender theory it is a moot and irrelevant point since it is so foreign to their personal experience. They simply do not question their gender identity because they don’t need to.

This is now about tolerance and respect for our differences. We all have a right to be happy and lead healthy and prosperous lives. We have the right to be free of discrimination from those who find our difference abhorrent and beyond comprehension.

Education will be the key.


Comments

  1. I agree that there are no black and white answers. The more that is written about cross gender expression in all of its forms the more that the entire field will become demystified. I will concede that many who follow this blog and others like it are fellow travelers but I do think it is important that we feed of each others travels and exploits.
    Pat

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

looking past cross gender arousal

Jack’s latest Crossdreamers post got me thinking about cross gender arousal and how it could be avoided; also whether it even matters. This with particular focus on the inability to relate of someone on the outside looking in.

You see, sexuality is a very complicated thing to begin with and when you then add gender identity ambiguity it becomes a recipe to really confuse someone.

So imagine that you are a little boy who identifies as a girl but then along comes puberty and short circuits everything by having the sex you identify with also be the sex you are attracted to. For in essence this is what happens to all all male to female gender dysphoric trans persons who are attracted to women.

So I ask myself: can I imagine a scenario where this inherent contradiction would not produce sexual confusion? The answer is that I cannot.

I am in the unique position, like many of you, to have experienced an early identification with the feminine become sexualized later on. This brought confusion…

understanding the erotic component

I have written about crossed wires before in two separate posts. The idea is that one cannot pass through puberty and the development of sexual feelings for females and not have your pre-existing gender dysphoria be impacted through your psychosexual development. The hormone responsible for your libido is testosterone which is present in much stronger concentration in males and is why gynephilics are most likely to experience erotic overtones as the conflict between romantic external feelings and their pull towards the feminine become permanently intertwined.

Because I came from a deeply religious family where sex was not discussed much at all, I grew up with little access to information and was very much ignorant of matters relating to the subject. With no firsthand experience in intercourse until I married I was then faced with the reality that my ability to perform sexually had been deeply impacted by my dysphoric feelings. This began years of turmoil and self-deprecating thoughts …

a blending

An interesting thing is happening to me: as I have fully embraced being transgender my male and female anima are becoming blended. The female side is no longer an unwelcome appendage which, as a result, has allowed me to craft a more genuine and happier male image.

I dress when I want to and sometimes I cut outings shorter than before. I am my own master in this regard and feel in control.

Don't get me wrong in that the dysphoria is not going away and is sometimes like a wild stallion that threatens to jump the fence but I have learnt to understand it’s demands after all these years hence a transition for me is definitely not in the cards. At this point I am not even foreseeing a social one.

The two sides are no longer in conflict and they are now intertwined to create a fusion that is unique to me. That answer finally came when I reached a full level of self assurance about who I am and learned to embrace that I am trans and yes, that includes my dysphoria's erotic undertones…