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be yourself

I've had enough of bending myself into a pretzel. This is why where I am is so freeing.

At first it felt like I was losing the battle to be the quissential male, the dutiful son, the faithful husband and father. But somewhere in there you get lost.

No amount of prayer can help you and God does not remove your plight from your shoulders. Now I realize that I can only do what I can do.

Losing the battle to become a normal man has become winning the war to be who I have always been inside. That may not be a woman but it is not a stereotypical male either.

I have forgiven myself for failing to measure up to something that was never in the cards for me; and that forgiveness washes over me like a warm soothing shower of grace.

Everyone will be a little displeased but that is not your fault. It is not their fault either, however, since they are a product of the same socialization that made you feel you were failing to measure up. Now I measure myself against my own standards.

I am a good person. I am intelligent, well educated and well read. I provide for my children and for my ex wife. I do my job well and am respected in my field. However in failing to defeat my gender dysphoria and in giving in to its demands I have freed myself from a self imposed prison.

I now move forward respecting the integrity of my personhood with a renewed vigour and strength I never knew I possessed. It is in adversity that we find our essence and our core.

It feels odd now to think back to the young man who threw everything in the bin in disgust. That person thankfully no longer exists and I am certain that if I had allowed that state to continue I would be in an unspeakable place at this moment.

There is nothing more therapeutic than simply being yourself and in that act of simplicity you can discover the person you thought you lost long ago.



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