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learning to unlearn

At complete and utter peace is where I am these days.

My dressing outings have become a normal part of my life and getting dressed and made up has become a finely honed and efficient exercise. Joanna has become part of my daily life in the best way possible.

In the early days I was very aware of my movements and my physical presence. I had to work at the illusion to make sure I was not too obviously male but as one practices everything flows and becomes second nature. I remember suffering from tunnel vision when walking in public and would not look people in the face for fear of seeing a negative reaction plastered on the person's face.

By stark contrast, today I no longer navel gaze but fully immerse myself in my surroundings and I do so in the same manner as when presenting as a male. This process snuck up on me very slowly and one day I was suddenly there. I had no marking indicators to measure my progress other than my steadily growing peace of mind.

The way I got there was to allow myself to stop being a stereotype. I had to unlearn how to be male and start learning to be a female.

Our conditioning is so strong and so pervasive and because we learn by mimicking what we see our elders do we copy that. We learn to be stereotypical males so we can fit in.

The problem is that this model does not work for a dysphoric; it actually hampers our self actualisation because our brains want to be more female. That learning process stifles our natural tendencies and if you, like me, grew up in a very traditional family and society structure you are going to suffer in the process.

Learning to unlearn is key for us. It's the only way out of our conundrum.

It takes courage and determination but actually in the end you have little choice because it will all explode in your face at some point in middle life.

The sooner we learn to let go and be ourselves the better.

Oh and happy Canada day to my fellow Canucks!




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