Skip to main content

my little addiction

I fear I’ve become a little addicted to this blog.

It’s been a combination of journal, gender theory presentation and steam blowing exercise. When I go back and read the first entries I know the tone has changed and my reasons for beginning it are not quite the same as for now continuing.

There are countless blogs out there and I don’t want this one to just be about chronicling my life. In other words, I don’t want this to be a Facebook equivalent. I will leave that to others.

I am interested in what this condition does to people’s lives; how it shapes their reality and the things they do to adapt. I am intrigued by its origins and, in trying to understand myself, hopefully bring some perspective to others who are also searching for answers.

It’s not about a cure but about life management. It’s always about life management really.

I had been thinking about taking a short sabbatical from writing but I find that I cannot. It has become a little crutch for me now and, in good times and bad, it will continue as long as I have words that come to me.

Maybe the last few entries have been disjointed but the entries often reflect a state of mind. They reflect where I am that day and we all have good days and bad. Such is the nature of our existence.


  1. Ms Santos:

    Thank you very much for your blog. I would like to know if it would be possible to have my blog, "", posted in yours. I will happily place your blog where it will be placed, Mine is a newsblog especially suited to transgenders, with lesser emphasis on the LGBTQ community.

    Thank you for your consideration.


  2. Emily I tried to go to your blog but blogger says it does not exist...I cannot link to it...

  3. Hi Joanna,

    I think you and I are alike in that I am also all about words. I keep a journal. I don't write every day, but if I don't write for more than a few days, I get very tense and cranky.

    The simple act of writing is soothing and centering for me. In addition, the process of organising thoughts on paper helps me to crystallise my thoughts. If there is something I am trying to work out, I find that writing it down really helps me to find clarity.

    So I completely understand your desire to write your blog. Keep it up!


  4. thank you very much for the feedback Vivienne. I very much have enjoyed reading yours...


Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

looking past cross gender arousal

Jack’s latest Crossdreamers post got me thinking about cross gender arousal and how it could be avoided; also whether it even matters. This with particular focus on the inability to relate of someone on the outside looking in.

You see, sexuality is a very complicated thing to begin with and when you then add gender identity ambiguity it becomes a recipe to really confuse someone.

So imagine that you are a little boy who identifies as a girl but then along comes puberty and short circuits everything by having the sex you identify with also be the sex you are attracted to. For in essence this is what happens to all all male to female gender dysphoric trans persons who are attracted to women.

So I ask myself: can I imagine a scenario where this inherent contradiction would not produce sexual confusion? The answer is that I cannot.

I am in the unique position, like many of you, to have experienced an early identification with the feminine become sexualized later on. This brought confusion…

understanding the erotic component

I have written about crossed wires before in two separate posts. The idea is that one cannot pass through puberty and the development of sexual feelings for females and not have your pre-existing gender dysphoria be impacted through your psychosexual development. The hormone responsible for your libido is testosterone which is present in much stronger concentration in males and is why gynephilics are most likely to experience erotic overtones as the conflict between romantic external feelings and their pull towards the feminine become permanently intertwined.

Because I came from a deeply religious family where sex was not discussed much at all, I grew up with little access to information and was very much ignorant of matters relating to the subject. With no firsthand experience in intercourse until I married I was then faced with the reality that my ability to perform sexually had been deeply impacted by my dysphoric feelings. This began years of turmoil and self-deprecating thoughts …

a blending

An interesting thing is happening to me: as I have fully embraced being transgender my male and female anima are becoming blended. The female side is no longer an unwelcome appendage which, as a result, has allowed me to craft a more genuine and happier male image.

I dress when I want to and sometimes I cut outings shorter than before. I am my own master in this regard and feel in control.

Don't get me wrong in that the dysphoria is not going away and is sometimes like a wild stallion that threatens to jump the fence but I have learnt to understand it’s demands after all these years hence a transition for me is definitely not in the cards. At this point I am not even foreseeing a social one.

The two sides are no longer in conflict and they are now intertwined to create a fusion that is unique to me. That answer finally came when I reached a full level of self assurance about who I am and learned to embrace that I am trans and yes, that includes my dysphoria's erotic undertones…