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status report - then and now

After having studied my own behaviour and reading everything I could get my hands on over the last number of years, I now know with absolute certainty that I am a gender dysphoric that fits somewhere between a type III and IV on the Harry Benjamin scale.

My situation, which brought me a good deal of turmoil in the past, I now regard as a fact of life and treat it with a sense of peace and acceptance and with an awareness that it forms part of the way I was made.

The process of coming to terms has been very challenging because discerning between what inherently forms part of your creation and what you have yourself created is often difficult to gauge and possessing the reflective powers to make the distinction is not obvious; certainly not when you are very young and possess little education on this highly complex subject.

Everything I have read tells me we are still very far away from even a basic understanding.

Experiencing and living something that is beyond your understanding and which no one explains to you creates a great deal of confusion; most especially if that something is seen as undesirable.

No one chooses to be gender dysphoric. It just happens.

The difference you can make in your life is the degree to which you allow the condition to consume your existence and the means that you use to manage the feelings in order to cope. Yes there is always transition but this is neither a viable nor desirable option for every gender dysphoric.

If you fall between two worlds neither of the binaries will fit you perfectly. Indeed we are all a combination of both.

I have never been able to function sexually in a normal way and must imagine myself in some form of female guise in order to achieve an orgasm. This created problems in my ability to form relationships with women and presented a challenge I did not ask for but I dealt with it as best I could.

In retrospect there is little I could have done differently because of the place in history I was born and my family circumstances. Hence, the experience of dealing with my particular situation has, for better or worse, greatly shaped the person I am today.

But there is a saying that whatever does not kill you makes you stronger and I would like to believe that it’s applicable here. Even if I do not understand the reason for something, I can accept that it may be divulged in due time. In the meantime you need to be the person you were made to be which is a unique entity not easily reproduced; for you are a product of nature and nurture with its own very original blend of ingredients.

If you have followed this blog from the beginning you will see a progression from highly conflicted individual to comfortable person with a continuing appetite for learning about this fascinating subject in which I am intimately immersed.

Until now, the ride continues to intrigue me.


  1. More often than not it is the ride that carries more interest than the ultimate destination.

  2. life in general is a journey with no precise destination Pat. Indeed you are correct!


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