Skip to main content

status report - then and now

After having studied my own behaviour and reading everything I could get my hands on over the last number of years, I now know with absolute certainty that I am a gender dysphoric that fits somewhere between a type III and IV on the Harry Benjamin scale.

My situation, which brought me a good deal of turmoil in the past, I now regard as a fact of life and treat it with a sense of peace and acceptance and with an awareness that it forms part of the way I was made.

The process of coming to terms has been very challenging because discerning between what inherently forms part of your creation and what you have yourself created is often difficult to gauge and possessing the reflective powers to make the distinction is not obvious; certainly not when you are very young and possess little education on this highly complex subject.

Everything I have read tells me we are still very far away from even a basic understanding.

Experiencing and living something that is beyond your understanding and which no one explains to you creates a great deal of confusion; most especially if that something is seen as undesirable.

No one chooses to be gender dysphoric. It just happens.

The difference you can make in your life is the degree to which you allow the condition to consume your existence and the means that you use to manage the feelings in order to cope. Yes there is always transition but this is neither a viable nor desirable option for every gender dysphoric.

If you fall between two worlds neither of the binaries will fit you perfectly. Indeed we are all a combination of both.

I have never been able to function sexually in a normal way and must imagine myself in some form of female guise in order to achieve an orgasm. This created problems in my ability to form relationships with women and presented a challenge I did not ask for but I dealt with it as best I could.

In retrospect there is little I could have done differently because of the place in history I was born and my family circumstances. Hence, the experience of dealing with my particular situation has, for better or worse, greatly shaped the person I am today.

But there is a saying that whatever does not kill you makes you stronger and I would like to believe that it’s applicable here. Even if I do not understand the reason for something, I can accept that it may be divulged in due time. In the meantime you need to be the person you were made to be which is a unique entity not easily reproduced; for you are a product of nature and nurture with its own very original blend of ingredients.

If you have followed this blog from the beginning you will see a progression from highly conflicted individual to comfortable person with a continuing appetite for learning about this fascinating subject in which I am intimately immersed.

Until now, the ride continues to intrigue me.

Comments

  1. More often than not it is the ride that carries more interest than the ultimate destination.
    Pat

    ReplyDelete
  2. life in general is a journey with no precise destination Pat. Indeed you are correct!

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

looking past cross gender arousal

Jack’s latest Crossdreamers post got me thinking about cross gender arousal and how it could be avoided; also whether it even matters. This with particular focus on the inability to relate of someone on the outside looking in.

You see, sexuality is a very complicated thing to begin with and when you then add gender identity ambiguity it becomes a recipe to really confuse someone.

So imagine that you are a little boy who identifies as a girl but then along comes puberty and short circuits everything by having the sex you identify with also be the sex you are attracted to. For in essence this is what happens to all all male to female gender dysphoric trans persons who are attracted to women.

So I ask myself: can I imagine a scenario where this inherent contradiction would not produce sexual confusion? The answer is that I cannot.

I am in the unique position, like many of you, to have experienced an early identification with the feminine become sexualized later on. This brought confusion…

understanding the erotic component

I have written about crossed wires before in two separate posts. The idea is that one cannot pass through puberty and the development of sexual feelings for females and not have your pre-existing gender dysphoria be impacted through your psychosexual development. The hormone responsible for your libido is testosterone which is present in much stronger concentration in males and is why gynephilics are most likely to experience erotic overtones as the conflict between romantic external feelings and their pull towards the feminine become permanently intertwined.

Because I came from a deeply religious family where sex was not discussed much at all, I grew up with little access to information and was very much ignorant of matters relating to the subject. With no firsthand experience in intercourse until I married I was then faced with the reality that my ability to perform sexually had been deeply impacted by my dysphoric feelings. This began years of turmoil and self-deprecating thoughts …

a blending

An interesting thing is happening to me: as I have fully embraced being transgender my male and female anima are becoming blended. The female side is no longer an unwelcome appendage which, as a result, has allowed me to craft a more genuine and happier male image.

I dress when I want to and sometimes I cut outings shorter than before. I am my own master in this regard and feel in control.

Don't get me wrong in that the dysphoria is not going away and is sometimes like a wild stallion that threatens to jump the fence but I have learnt to understand it’s demands after all these years hence a transition for me is definitely not in the cards. At this point I am not even foreseeing a social one.

The two sides are no longer in conflict and they are now intertwined to create a fusion that is unique to me. That answer finally came when I reached a full level of self assurance about who I am and learned to embrace that I am trans and yes, that includes my dysphoria's erotic undertones…