Skip to main content


Every fragment of worry, guilt, fear and shame has been completely eradicated from my system. My appetite for a scientific explanation for the way I am has had to satisfy itself with little bits of scattered information about brain scans that lead inconclusively to nowhere for the moment. But I am still hopeful that proof will be found.

I won’t hold my breath in anticipation however.

When I am out I feel good and am at peace with the world. Whether I’m in church or at the mall or in a coffee shop or at the grocery store, I am at peace with myself when dressed as Joanna. She is the person I would be if I were a woman; a variation on myself that dresses and speaks and gestures just a little differently from the male me.

I am also at peace being a male and enjoy that role as well. He is my foundation and the person I have learnt to be all my life. I would not want to give that up to be Joanna full time and I know that at my core now.

I suppose I needed to reflect on transition for a while and during the year that N and I were apart I seriously considered it but the answer became a solid no. Not only is it too late in my life to embark on such a journey but I am fundamentally not a full blown transsexual. I am a man who dresses as a woman and expresses his femininity in a very unusual way.

I used to focus on how bizarre my behaviour was because I was viewing it from the prism of how I had been taught to consider people like me; as freaks. Well I can honestly tell you that I am a normal human being, albeit with foibles, who happens to be a little different.

In essence I am back at the place where I began; a little boy who liked to wear his mother’s clothes and enjoyed it without reservations.

I recall reading recently about whether childhood trauma could create the transgendered condition. N brought this up with me the other night and it was referred to it in yesterday’s post from Rolling Stone. Having reflected on my past and considering the numerous accounts by others I have read, I have come to the conclusion that it takes more than that to reproduce it. The established consensus among the experts is also that trauma is not enough.

My trauma harkens back to being told to stop something natural which suddenly became taboo. I still see people struggling with what they call crossdressing addiction and sinning and I ask myself why they struggle. What is it that they think is so wrong and so distressing? But then I think that they probably ingested the same toxins that I once did.

After a difficult month apart, N and I have reconciled but I still see this period of my life as a reset. It’s the beginning of the peaceful phase where I revel in the balance and perspective I have found.


  1. Hi Joanna. It sounds like you are in a good place. If it weren't for "worry, guilt, fear and shame" I wouldn't have any emotions whatever.


  2. Yes I think so Vivienne. Guilt is certainly part of life and is present in other areas but crossdressing shouldn't be one of them.


Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

prejudice disguised as objective rectitude

So here is Professor Jordan Peterson perhaps justly calling out the excesses of political correctness gone mad. But then he extends it to not indulging transgender people the basic dignity of being addressed in their preferred pronoun. To do so for him would cost nothing and to stand on literal principle seems to serve little use other than to send a message of disdain.

If you have transitioned or even live as the opposite gender is costs me nothing to address you in your preferred pronouns. What difference does it make to me and what am I trying to tell you when I don't?

Peterson wants to stand on his rights to call reality what it is except that in this case the exact objective escapes me. But of course the right wing Federalist is in love with him because he calls a spade a spade.

If I see a rock I can call it that but then the rock doesn’t have any feelings. To address a transgender woman "her" and "she" is not undermining my rights as a person in any way b…

"Oh please its 2016!"

I have mentioned before that I have a lovely young couple living above the unit next to mine. Well the other day as I was getting in the door, she and I overlapped for the first time with me dressed as a woman.

We had a nice conversation and at some point I mentioned the obvious which was that I had told her future husband that they might see me in a different guise from time to time so they wouldn't wonder about who the strange woman was. She just looked at me almost rolling her eyes while smiling from ear to ear and said:

"Oh Please it's 2016!"

For the record she was also very complementary regarding my choice of attire.

I could care less at this point in my life what people think but it is still lovely to see the millennial generation's freedom of spirit and acceptance so lacking in previous generations. Yes they have their own foibles, as does every generation, but this area certainly isn't one of them.

the pseudoscience behind gender dysphoria

The real science as to what causes gender dysphoria still awaits.

Harry Benjamin was on to something except he didn’t have the scientific evidence to back up his suspicions hence, like a true scientist, he negated to draw conclusions. His hunch, based on treating so many patients over his lifetime, was that one is born with a predisposition to be gender dysphoric.

However, with inconclusive brain scans and no DNA marker (as of yet) we are left with believing the word of people who need help and only want to lead happy and productive lives.

The best we have been able to muster since Benjamin's death in 1986 was to amass statistics on who gets a boner imagining themselves as a woman which is in equal parts pathetic and disappointing. For this is not really science at all but is instead playing with interview data that doesn't point to anything definitive or conclusive. I have dealt with this problem at great length in my blog.

The whole thing started with Kurt Freund's obses…