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trauma

Every fragment of worry, guilt, fear and shame has been completely eradicated from my system. My appetite for a scientific explanation for the way I am has had to satisfy itself with little bits of scattered information about brain scans that lead inconclusively to nowhere for the moment. But I am still hopeful that proof will be found.

I won’t hold my breath in anticipation however.

When I am out I feel good and am at peace with the world. Whether I’m in church or at the mall or in a coffee shop or at the grocery store, I am at peace with myself when dressed as Joanna. She is the person I would be if I were a woman; a variation on myself that dresses and speaks and gestures just a little differently from the male me.

I am also at peace being a male and enjoy that role as well. He is my foundation and the person I have learnt to be all my life. I would not want to give that up to be Joanna full time and I know that at my core now.

I suppose I needed to reflect on transition for a while and during the year that N and I were apart I seriously considered it but the answer became a solid no. Not only is it too late in my life to embark on such a journey but I am fundamentally not a full blown transsexual. I am a man who dresses as a woman and expresses his femininity in a very unusual way.

I used to focus on how bizarre my behaviour was because I was viewing it from the prism of how I had been taught to consider people like me; as freaks. Well I can honestly tell you that I am a normal human being, albeit with foibles, who happens to be a little different.

In essence I am back at the place where I began; a little boy who liked to wear his mother’s clothes and enjoyed it without reservations.

I recall reading recently about whether childhood trauma could create the transgendered condition. N brought this up with me the other night and it was referred to it in yesterday’s post from Rolling Stone. Having reflected on my past and considering the numerous accounts by others I have read, I have come to the conclusion that it takes more than that to reproduce it. The established consensus among the experts is also that trauma is not enough.

My trauma harkens back to being told to stop something natural which suddenly became taboo. I still see people struggling with what they call crossdressing addiction and sinning and I ask myself why they struggle. What is it that they think is so wrong and so distressing? But then I think that they probably ingested the same toxins that I once did.

After a difficult month apart, N and I have reconciled but I still see this period of my life as a reset. It’s the beginning of the peaceful phase where I revel in the balance and perspective I have found.

Comments

  1. Hi Joanna. It sounds like you are in a good place. If it weren't for "worry, guilt, fear and shame" I wouldn't have any emotions whatever.

    Vivienne.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Yes I think so Vivienne. Guilt is certainly part of life and is present in other areas but crossdressing shouldn't be one of them.

    ReplyDelete

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