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what all of this work was for

My life has been a model of self discipline.

Born the eldest in a family of six children to a kind but slightly distant intellectual father and emotional mother; I was expected to conform. We grew up in a loving home and went to church every Sunday. This is what one did in deeply devout and overwhelmingly Catholic Spain.

From a young age I knew I was different but I hid it. I followed the script and tried my best to live my religion. I believed in the dogma I was taught but I was also given a critical mind which made me question the things that made no sense to me. I needed to analyse and make sense of the world around me. As I grew older that critical thinking became part of my modus operandi and I reconciled the teaching I received with my burgeoning sense of logic and reason.

My biggest challenge was my gender dysphoria.

I couldn't grasp or understand the feelings I had or why they wouldn't subside or simply disappear. I don't smoke, drink socially, have never tried drugs and never had a rebellious teen phase. I married in my early thirties still a virgin although not due to lack of interest. I am a very disciplined person.

And yet this monster eluded me. No matter how hard I tried it was always there whether as a dull roar or tempestuous beckoning to raid my mother's closet. Readers of this blog know that it all gloriously exploded in my mid forties but it needed to and so began my exploration into something I wanted desperately to disown.

I have learnt much over the last 8 years and know more about this subject than anyone I frequent or call a friend and I am very much at peace with it. Knowing the kind of person I am I know I was born with it and in that knowledge I can rest calm and be myself.I need not disown something which belongs to me and forms part of my nature. People who don't like the way I am I can't do anything about. Siblings or friends who are uncomfortable seeing me in female garb I can't help. I can only help myself to be the best person I can be while wholly embracing my transgendered nature.

In this blog I have used terminology to categorize stages of dysphoria but in truth it's very difficult to do that. Not only is each person unique and different but many circumstancial elements play into their existence. Trying to predict why someone transitions, does not transition or detransitions is like playing the lottery. People evolve and life is by its very nature a messy affair.

If I've learnt anything during my personal reflection and research over the last number of years is to not try and predict anything. Just be happy in your skin.

I did all of this homework because I needed to understand things for myself. Even if I have run into a dead end on the scientific front I can at least take solace in the fact that I have gotten to know myself much better.

Now on to the next chapter.


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