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what all of this work was for

My life has been a model of self discipline.

Born the eldest in a family of six children to a kind but slightly distant intellectual father and emotional mother; I was expected to conform. We grew up in a loving home and went to church every Sunday. This is what one did in deeply devout and overwhelmingly Catholic Spain.

From a young age I knew I was different but I hid it. I followed the script and tried my best to live my religion. I believed in the dogma I was taught but I was also given a critical mind which made me question the things that made no sense to me. I needed to analyse and make sense of the world around me. As I grew older that critical thinking became part of my modus operandi and I reconciled the teaching I received with my burgeoning sense of logic and reason.

My biggest challenge was my gender dysphoria.

I couldn't grasp or understand the feelings I had or why they wouldn't subside or simply disappear. I don't smoke, drink socially, have never tried drugs and never had a rebellious teen phase. I married in my early thirties still a virgin although not due to lack of interest. I am a very disciplined person.

And yet this monster eluded me. No matter how hard I tried it was always there whether as a dull roar or tempestuous beckoning to raid my mother's closet. Readers of this blog know that it all gloriously exploded in my mid forties but it needed to and so began my exploration into something I wanted desperately to disown.

I have learnt much over the last 8 years and know more about this subject than anyone I frequent or call a friend and I am very much at peace with it. Knowing the kind of person I am I know I was born with it and in that knowledge I can rest calm and be myself.I need not disown something which belongs to me and forms part of my nature. People who don't like the way I am I can't do anything about. Siblings or friends who are uncomfortable seeing me in female garb I can't help. I can only help myself to be the best person I can be while wholly embracing my transgendered nature.

In this blog I have used terminology to categorize stages of dysphoria but in truth it's very difficult to do that. Not only is each person unique and different but many circumstancial elements play into their existence. Trying to predict why someone transitions, does not transition or detransitions is like playing the lottery. People evolve and life is by its very nature a messy affair.

If I've learnt anything during my personal reflection and research over the last number of years is to not try and predict anything. Just be happy in your skin.

I did all of this homework because I needed to understand things for myself. Even if I have run into a dead end on the scientific front I can at least take solace in the fact that I have gotten to know myself much better.

Now on to the next chapter.


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Recently I had lunch with one of the young estimators who occasionally works with me here in Toronto. We were chatting about work and our respective lives when she queried about my love life:

“So how is it going on that front. Meet anyone interesting lately?”

I reflected for a moment and then said:

“My situation is a little particular and if you don’t mind I can share something about myself”

She leaned in a bit and told me to please go ahead.

“I am trans” I said matter of factly.

She looked at me and smiled and said:

“Really? That’s so neat”

She is 35 years old and a lovely person which is why I knew I could confide in her. I then added that I had been reflecting on whether I would switch companies and begin working as Joanna and although she is totally open she also knows how conservative our business can be. So I told her that if I did decide to it would definitely be under a different umbrella.

Then yesterday I was coming back to my place and the lady who rents it to me, who is abo…

feeling sexy

Here are the results of a recent survey of genetic women:

“A new hairdo, walking in heels and a glowing tan are among the things that make a woman feel sexy. Freshly applied lipstick, newly-shaved legs and a little black dress also have a positive effect on the psyche”

Are you surprised? I’m not because it is exactly the same list that makes transgender women feel sexy.

For a long time the idea was pandered about that transsexualism was rooted exclusively in aberrant sexuality. But of course you cannot separate the sexuality from the individual because that forms part of their overall makeup and the fact that genetic and transsexual women overlap here surprises no one.

We should also add here that women aren't always thinking about sex and neither are transgender women.

Pre transition transsexuals would not readily admit they found these things sexy because they were afraid to be seen as perverted men in front of gatekeepers who understood nothing about their condition.

Today we kn…

Being transgender isn't exclusively a problem of aberrant sexuality

If being transgender were exclusively a problem of aberrant sexuality, then I would seem to be an exception to the rule.

To date I have lived my life like a choir boy and have had low libido throughout. I have yet to ever see a porn film and both my ex-wife and ex-girlfriend complained about my lack of sex drive. I also knew I was different from a very young age.

This is why the accusation that male to female transgender persons attracted to women are perverts doesn’t hold much water with me. I was mortified when I hit puberty and realized that my desire to be female had taken on sexual overtones and I ended up, like most of you, repeatedly throwing things in the bin as a repudiation. In fact, accepting that my sexuality has been permanently impacted was the hardest pill to swallow in my journey to become a fully realized transgender person.

That is why I say to those who are still concerned about what outsiders who haven’t lived your personal experience have to say about you should l…